SHERRI M. HERMAN COUNSELING

Have you ever had that experience of feeling alone in a crowded room? Have you ever been in a group but felt like an outsider struggling to connect? I’ve been there many times, in fact, I spent most of my life feeling that way. If you’ve ever felt like you're on the outskirts of your own life, yearning for connection but unable to find it, stick with me. I’m going to share with you how the generally recommended advice failed me, I'll dive into the link between social anxiety and loneliness, and I'll leave you with some recommendations if you think you might struggle with social anxiety. Several years ago when I was newly divorced and feeling exceptionally lonely, I began regularly attending a very large Church in my community. Intellectually I knew that being in community and developing new relationships was an important factor in overcoming loneliness. I chose this particular Church because the values of the Church were in alignment with my own and it seemed to have a great Sunday School program for my son. I was excited to be a part of a large community with shared values, I loved the sermons, and my son really enjoyed his Sunday School experiences. However, week after week, I felt more and more lonely when I attended. While I got so much out of the sermon itself, the coffee hour left me feeling deeply sad and lonely. I looked around and saw many families, couples, grandparents, and so many people who already seemed to be good friends. As a single, divorced mom, I didn’t feel like I fit in. Everyone seemed to be engaged with each other and I felt entirely invisible. Even if someone spoke to me, I just assumed they were “being nice” because they felt sorry for me. I ended up feeling more alone and lonely than if I hadn’t gone at all. Have you ever had an experience like that? I eventually stopped going to that thriving Church. Not because there was anything wrong with that community but because I couldn’t make a connection. I wasn’t willing to reach out to someone new and start a conversation. I felt too much anxiety at continuing a conversation that someone had started with me; I didn’t know what to say and I feared anything I said sounded stupid. I felt too intimidated to join a small group. I stayed on the sidelines because I felt small, insignificant, invisible, and deeply unworthy on the inside. My mind bombarded me with so many thoughts of doubt and negative self-judgment and they won. My friend, if you’re anything like me I want you to know that you’re not alone. I see you. The vast majority of experts on loneliness recommend that if you’re feeling lonely, you should surround yourself with a supportive community. “Get into community” is what they always say. That solution truly does work for so many people, which is why it’s so popular. However, it doesn’t work for everyone for a variety of reasons. I’m here for the people that the message, “Get into community,” doesn’t work for. It’s simply not always that easy to just “get into community.” In fact, I feel frustrated every time I see that recommendation. The recommendation to increase community connection lacks insight into the complexities of one’s relationship with one’s self (internal connection) and how this directly impacts social relationships (external connections). There is a tremendous body of research linking social-anxiety and loneliness. If you experience social-anxiety, you’re more likely to experience loneliness. However, loneliness does not typically precede social-anxiety. If you don’t feel worthy enough to connect with other people, or experience a lot of self-doubt, negative self-judgment, or deeply fear negative judgment from others, simply joining a community is not likely to be helpful. In fact, if you struggle with negative self-judgment, joining a community can make you feel worse. It can exacerbate feelings of loneliness, fear, and shame, leading to a downward spiral. I’ve seen it time and time again in myself and so many of my clients. Overcoming any level of social anxiety requires: 1) A change in relationship with your thoughts 2) A change in relationship with your feelings 3) A change in behavior. Together, these three critical changes comprise a change in relationship with yourself. One needs to shift from a relationship dominated by fear and judgment to a relationship that is driven by acceptance and love. Your external relationships are a mirror of your internal relationship with yourself. How you imagine others will think of you is a reflection of how you think of yourself. If you struggle with negative self-judgment, you are more likely to fear negative judgements from others. When you practice loving self-acceptance, you are more likely to feel accepted and belonging in general. When you experience social-anxiety and want to experience more satisfying, connected, and meaningful relationships with others, developing a more accepting, compassionate, and loving relationship with yourself is critical. When I look back now at my earlier experiences of trying to join that Church community, I can see so clearly that, until my relationship with myself changed, I wasn’t going to make much headway on developing new connections. I was too blocked by my own negative self-judgment and unworthiness to even think that other people could be accepting of me. I still struggle with some of these issues but not nearly as much as I used to. I currently work for a very large Church while I'm also personally a member of a more intimate faith community. The past version of me, before I re-worked my relationship with myself, would have been far too scared to touch either of these communities with a ten-foot pole. You can get started on cultivating a more accepting and loving relationship with yourself by subscribing to my free give-day email series: From Loneliness to Love. I take you on a brief journey to help ignite feelings of self-love through a series of prayers and affirmations that help you connect with your idea of a Higher Power/Guidance and inner source of love. Click the button below to sign up: If you’re curious about your own level of possible social-anxiety, you can learn more here and even access a freely available screening tool online. Please be aware that this tool is not intended to diagnose, treat or cure any mental health disorder. It is simply a screening tool that may be able to help you determine if you need additional support from a qualified professional. It’s important for me to note that social-anxiety, like many other conditions, exists on a spectrum and not all levels of social-anxiety warrant a clinical diagnosis or clinical treatment. It all depends on the intensity and duration of your fear and avoidance, and how it does or does not impact your ability to function in your daily life and relationships. Only a qualified mental health professional can effectively diagnose Social-Anxiety Disorder. If you think you need the support of a therapist, you can contact your primary care doctor or your health insurance provider for a referral. You can also check out web-based resources like PsychologyToday.com or BetterHelp.com to find a therapist in your area (I don't receive any kickbacks for these recommendations). Most importantly, I want you to know that if you struggle with cultivating connections with others, you’re not alone and it’s not your fault. I’m with you and I’m here for you. Stick with me and keep following me. If you'd like support, I'm here for you. To hear about updates first, receive occasional freebies, and be privy to stories I may not share anywhere else, sign up by clicking the button below. Please forward this to a friend or share on social media. And remember, you are always loved no matter what.

In her book, The Gifts of Imperfection, researcher and author Brené Brown, Ph.D, says, “Perfectionism is a self-destructive and addictive belief system that fuels this primary thought: If I look perfect and do everything perfectly, I can avoid or minimize the painful feelings of blame, judgment, and shame.” I’m going to share with you one of my crash-and-burn experience with perfectionism, explain the connection between perfectionism and loneliness, help you recognize if you have the perfectionism bug, and provide you with a winning strategy to overcome perfectionism. I got married the first time in my early twenties. I thought that if I was married, I’d be doing life the right and perfect way and it would mean that I was good, lovable, and worthy of approval. After several “failed” relationships, I was finally matched up by a family member. I thought to myself, “Yes, this is the right way.” I was so focused on executing what I thought was the perfect plan to gain approval and love, I had no idea that I wasn't even close to being ready for marriage. I really didn’t know how to have a healthy relationship with another person because I had a deeply unhealthy relationship with myself. Long story short, we divorced less than two years later and this crash-and-burn experience drove me into a deeper hole of loneliness. I felt like the biggest failure on the planet and experienced a lot of shame. Fewer things are lonelier than being trapped in the pursuit of perfectionism but to the untrained eye, it can look like ultimate success and fulfillment on the outside. Perfectionism is a creative yet controlling and stifling coping strategy born out of feelings of shame, insecurity, and unworthiness. This strategy usually begins in childhood, often as a result of nature and nurture, and, left unchecked, carries forward into adulthood. While perfectionism can have some benefits and rewards leading to material success or social status, it’s ultimately a losing strategy when it comes to your long-term health and relationships. Research suggests that those who struggle with perfectionism are more likely to experience depression, social hopelessness, and loneliness. When you think about it, it makes perfect sense. If you are focused on trying to be perfect, you'll miss out on genuine and authentic connection and presence with yourself and others, which is what your heart truly longs for and is the key to overcoming loneliness. Perfectionism ends up doing the opposite of what you hope for, it leaves you with an abundance of shame and a scarcity of love; it gives rise to deep loneliness and even addictive behaviors that keep you stuck in the cycle. Is perfectionism lurking in the background of your mind? Here are some questions to ask yourself: Do you agonize over details until they’re just right? Do you more easily see problems than solutions? Are you often worried about how other people think about you? Do you get down on yourself for making even the smallest mistakes? Do you feel like nothing you do is ever good enough, no matter how hard you try, even when others praise your work? If you answered yes to one or more of these questions, you may struggle with perfectionism. Just so you know, you’re in good company and these patterns don’t have to rule your life. Vulnerability and self-compassion are key components of developing a loving relationship with yourself and help you move from approval-based living to value-based living. You can breathe again because you’re living with a solid foundation of security and love within yourself that isn’t dependent on perfect performance or on the perceptions of others. This is a recipe for real connection and lasting love. The next time you find your perfectionism ruling over a situation that is literally not life or death, pause for a moment and pull back from the task at hand. Practice this exercise of self-connection: Check in with your body to see how it’s feeling and check in with how you’re breathing. Regulate your breathing. Tell yourself, “I’ve gotten caught up in perfectionism again. This is hard to change. I feel ______. I need ______. I love you.” Take 5 deep breaths. Decide what matters most right now and proceed accordingly. Let me know how it goes. If you'd like support, I'm here for you. To hear about updates first, receive occasional freebies, and be privy to stories I may not share anywhere else, sign up by clicking the button below. Please forward this to a friend or share on social media. And remember, you are always loved no matter what.

Before the pandemic, I filled nearly all of my free time with social activity. Between seeing 5-8 clients a day and caring for my son as a single mom, I made sure that my free time was anything but free. Whether it was leading my meetup group, attending my meditation center, or just getting together with friends, my schedule was packed. Can you guess why? I was lonely as hell, but I had no idea. No matter how many social activities I had planned, sometimes three separate events in a single day, it was never enough to fill me up. I always needed more, I needed to make sure the calendar was full, and I would feel so mad or hurt if something was canceled. So when the pandemic hit and my social calendar came to a screeching halt, I crashed and burned. Here’s the thing: as a social mammal, you really do need relationships to survive and thrive. You need relationships like you need oxygen. Mother nature has so skillfully designed you to experience a particular cue for when you need connection. You can think of this cue as like a hunger cue. And that cue is the feeling of loneliness. Loneliness is your hunger cue for connection. But here’s the thing: if you solely focus on getting your need for connection met from other people, you’re never going to feel satisfied and fulfilled. You will always need more. In fact, you can really end up straining or hurting your relationships because you can become overly dependent on them or wear them out. The truth is, you need a balance of healthy connection with yourself and with others. If you struggle with loneliness, whether you’re surrounded by people or not, one thing that needs to happen is the development of a loving and fulfilling connection with yourself. This means being aware of what you’re thinking or feeling and responding to yourself with kindness. It means becoming your own kind and supportive best friend. It also means connecting with your loving Higher Power who is always there for you, no matter what. When you get really good at cultivating a loving and meaningful connection with yourself, I can just about guarantee that you will not only crave your alone time but you will also experience more joy when you’re with others. There is a reason that ancient spiritual traditions involve social and solitude elements. We need both. To effectively deal with loneliness, you really need to balance connection with others with meaningful connection with yourself. And if you haven’t already noticed, I’m here to help you cultivate that connection with yourself. Becoming your own best friend and loving partner is the most secure relationship you can ever have and will surely reduce your feelings of loneliness and amplify feelings of peace. If you'd like support, I'm here for you. To hear about updates first, receive occasional freebies, and be privy to stories I may not share anywhere else, sign up by clicking the button below. Please forward this to a friend or share on social media. And remember, you are always loved no matter what.

Are you struggling with feeling alone this Feb 14th? Valentine's Day can be a tough time for many people, whether you’re single or not. It's easy to get caught up in the romanticized version of the holiday portrayed in movies and on social media, where love is depicted as grand gestures and fairy-tale romance. But the reality for many of us is quite different. I, too, have grappled with this day since I first understood its significance. Whether I'm single or partnered, my mind always floods with unrealistic expectations about what my Valentine's Day "should" look like (thank you, Hollywood). However, there’s one spiritual practice that makes all the difference for me when I have been or have felt alone on Valentine's Day. Instead of dwelling on unrealistic expectations and feeling even more isolated, let me share with you how you can shift your perspective and find love and fulfillment within yourself this Valentine's Day. One thing I've learned that makes Valentine’s Day more tolerable and even enjoyable for me is recognizing that most of my thoughts and expectations have nothing to do with reality. And in order for me to recognize this, there’s one spiritual practice I come back to over and over: mindfulness. Before you roll your eyes at another mention of mindfulness practice, hang in there with me. There's a reason I will always reinforce mindfulness practice: because it works. It really, really does. I've been practicing mindfulness for over 10 years, and I can no longer live without it. But unfortunately, it doesn’t work if you only read about it or think about it. The scientific studies on mindfulness are impossible to ignore. Not only can mindfulness practice lower blood pressure, improve sleep, decrease depression and anxiety, but when practiced regularly, mindfulness has been shown to reduce our reactivity to our thoughts and emotions. I personally practice mindfulness in the American Zen Buddhist tradition. This means that I sit in silence, usually staring at a blank wall or the floor, and I just let my thoughts and feelings come and go without trying to change anything. It’s like sitting in a river and just letting everything float on by. Sitting meditation is not the only form of mindfulness practice. You can practice mindfulness while walking, cleaning, eating, or really doing anything; it’s all about how you engage with the moment. Will mindfulness solve all of your problems? No. Will mindfulness make you feel perfectly calm and peaceful all of the time? No. What does this have to do with Valentine’s Day and loneliness, you ask? Truthfully, mindfulness can help you face reality with greater clarity which gives you more space to respond to yourself with acceptance and compassion, and then take action based on what truly matters most to you. Mindfulness can help you respond to the moment with intention and care rather than being purely reactive to every little thought that floats across your mind, including those pesky unrealistic expectations about Valentine’s Day. Above all, mindfulness practice can really help you stay connected to your true self, beneath your fluttering ego. When you are connected to your true self, you can feel more connected to your loving Higher Power and the loving energy that is within you always. As you navigate through this Valentine's Day, remember that the greatest love you can ever experience is the love you cultivate within yourself. Mindfulness practice offers a pathway to deepen this love by allowing you to experience some freedom from your thoughts and emotions. Through mindfulness, you can develop a profound connection with your true self, free from the constraints of external expectations and judgments. So, as you sit in stillness or engage mindfully in your daily activities, embrace the opportunity to nurture a relationship of unconditional love and kindness with yourself. This Valentine's Day, let mindfulness be your guide as you embark on a journey of self-discovery, self-compassion, and profound self-love. If you’re interested in beginning a mindfulness practice, here are 5 tips to help you get started: Decide on an activity that will become the cornerstone of your mindfulness practice. This could be sitting, walking, doing dishes, sweeping, etc. Start small. Begin with any length of time that feels comfortable, such as 5 or 10 minutes, and increase your time incrementally as you feel more comfortable. Be specific about when you will practice. Decide when in your day you will do your practice each day. Be consistent in your practice. Life happens and sometimes you miss a day, but try to not miss two or more days in a row. Be kind to yourself and keep coming back. Mindfulness is a skill and like learning any new skill, it takes practice, patience, and persistence. If you'd like support, I'm here for you. If you want to hear about updates first, receive occasional freebies, and be privy to stories I may not share anywhere else, sign up by clicking the button below. If you found this helpful, please share it with a friend or share on social media. And remember, you are always loved no matter what.

Don’t you love going out to eat by yourself? No, of course you don’t. Almost nobody does. Because you know what happens? Your mind bombards you with thoughts about being a loser, a loner, a weirdo, and the list so goes. You are consumed with ideas of how other people must be judging you negatively. If your thoughts weren’t such a problem, how do you imagine your solo experiences would be different? Learning how to deeply enjoy your time alone does not mean you’ll end up doing everything alone forever. Furthermore, enjoying your alone time doesn’t mean you’ll never again enjoy being with other people. I know you want to spend time with other people and you want to enjoy it... and I want you to. That's why I'm here to help. I've developed a genuine appreciation for solo activities, leading to greater enjoyment and fulfillment in my interactions with others. I’ve come to appreciate both my alone time and my social time. But it didn’t always come easy. For much of my life, doing things with other people felt just as uncomfortable as doing things alone. Living that way felt like living in a torture chamber that I didn’t know I was in. I felt terribly alone and lonely at every corner. What truly worked for me was changing my relationship with my thoughts. I learned how to stop taking every thought literally. I learned how to let my thoughts roll across my mind like clouds floating across the sky, particularly the unhelpful ones. I didn’t try to get rid of the clouds or try to turn them into roses, but I learned to just let them float on by. Once I learned how to do that, everything changed. Am I perfect at it? Definitely not. Do I still get hung up by an occasional cloud? Absolutely. But my experience is about a thousand times better than it used to be. When I stopped giving so much of my attention to all of those clouds and believing that they're all factual and permanent, it created space for real enjoyment. Now, when I go out by myself, I enjoy the opportunity to observe my surroundings, allowing my curiosity to guide me as I take in the sights and sounds around me. It gives me an opportunity to be more present and connected with myself and my direct experience of the moment. As a result of these practices, I have become more present and connected when I do spend time with other people. As you reflect on your journey towards embracing solo experiences, consider this: just like a cloud floating across the sky, your thoughts may drift in and out, but they do not define you and they certainly don’t hold the truth. By learning to let these thoughts float on by, you create space for genuine enjoyment and fulfillment in your alone time. While the path to embracing solitude may not always be easy, it offers the opportunity for profound freedom and connection with yourself. As you continue on this journey, remember that each moment spent alone is an opportunity to cultivate a deeper sense of presence and connection, both with yourself and with the world around you. So, embrace your alone time with curiosity and openness, and allow it to enrich your experiences, both solo and with others. If you'd like support, I'm here for you. If you want to hear about updates first, receive occasional freebies, and be privy to stories I may not share anywhere else, sign up by clicking the button below. If you found this helpful, please share it with a friend or share on social media. And remember, you are always loved no matter what.