One of the many hard parts of becoming a single parent after divorce is not just the loss of the primary relationship but also the loss of relationships that are connected to the relationship. Moreover, most newly divorced are facing a tighter budget than ever before , making it hard to go out and have fun, especially if there are kids in the mix. Being able to remain socially connected is crucial for healing and rebuilding a new life , so all the more reason to learn how to do so while on a tight budget. That's why I'm sharing 25 strategies for single parents to stay social after divorce while on a tight budget. This was so fun to write, I hope you enjoy it! We Need Relationships Like We Need Oxygen If you're at all familiar with my work, you know how much I place priority on self-love and inner-connection. However, that's only part of the wellness pie. While inner-connection provides the foundation for developing more authentic, deeper, and meaningful relationships, inner-connection and practices of self-love cannot ever fully replace relationships with other people. After all, we are social mammals. We can survive without relationships but we won't thrive. I know firsthand just how hard it is to develop new relationships in adulthood, especially after divorce. I've done it twice. I don't know where you're from but I'm from Minnesota where people tend to keep their relationships for a long time and usually they begin in childhood or are centered around family. That can wreak havoc on your social circle if you break-out of the social paradigm or interpersonal dynamics in which you were raised (i.e. you start behaving differently from the group). Your Ability to Stay Social Shouldn't Depend on Your Budget Developing new relationships after divorce is especially challenging when you are likely living on a much tighter budget than you used to. You're not in school anymore where it's easy to build new relationships due to proximity. However, lack of money doesn't need to get in the way. Staying socially connected isn't a luxury or just for those who are in college, have a large budget, or close family network. Many of these are strategies I have done myself and some are recommendations I found in my research. However, it is for the brave. Building New Relationships Requires Courage and Determination, But It's Worth It. I'm going to be honest. If you're anything like me, introverted and blessed with (recovering) social-anxiety, these strategies are hard. They take a willingness to step outside of your comfort zone, to challenge the usual stories in your mind, and to exercise good social skills. But that's where the magic (and the growth) happens! Seriously. I challenge you to try at least one of these. Step outside of your comfort zone. Be willing to try, be willing to fail, be willing to learn, be willing to have fun in a whole new way. Be willing to be proven wrong. You never know what the Universe has in store for you when you try something new, it just might surprise you. Here you go: 25 Strategies for Single Parents to Stay Social on a Tight Budget Organize Playdates: If you have school aged children, arrange playdates with other parents and their children from your child's school, neighborhood, or extracurricular activities. This allows you to socialize with other adults while your children engage in activities together and you get to know the families that your children spend time with, win-win! Attend Free Family Events: Look for free family-friendly events in your community, such as library storytimes, park picnics, or outdoor movie screenings. These events provide opportunities for both you and your children to socialize with others. Check your neighborhood newspaper or a nearby community center. Host Family Movie Nights: Have regular family movie nights at home where you watch movies together with your children. Invite other families to join you for a fun and affordable evening. Keep the connection alive by skipping the booze and opting for fun mocktails that everyone can enjoy. Join Parenting Groups:  Join local parenting groups or online forums where you can connect with other single parents. These groups often organize meetups, playgroups, and support networks. We can't do parenting alone. It really does take a village. You and your children will be better for it. Participate in School Activities:  Get involved in your child's school activities by volunteering for events, attending parent-teacher meetings, or joining the PTA. This allows you to interact with other parents and build connections within the school community. Attend Free Community Workshops: Take advantage of free workshops or seminars in your community that are geared towards families or single parents. These events may cover topics such as parenting tips, budgeting, or self-care. Check your community newspaper, community center, or do a simple Google search for your surrounding neighborhoods. Explore Nature Together: Spend time outdoors with your children by going on nature walks, visiting local parks, or having a picnic in the countryside. Invite another family along or challenge yourself to meet one new person. It's a great way to bond as a family while enjoying the beauty of nature. You can incorporate a simple scavenger hunt, search for the biggest sticks, watch for animal tracks, or look for faces in nature. Host a Family Game Night:   Organize family game nights where you play board games, card games, or video games together at home. Invite other families to join in for a fun and affordable evening of entertainment. Invite other families to bring their favorite games so you have some variety. Let go of needing to win and just enjoy the win of being together. Join Single Parent Support Groups:  Seek out local support groups or online communities specifically for single parents. These groups offer a safe space to share experiences, seek advice, and connect with others who understand your situation. I personally found it very helpful to join a single parenting group that gathered for a group playdate every so often. Kids could play and parents could connect. Attend Free Community Events: Keep an eye out for free community events such as street fairs, festivals, or cultural celebrations. These events often offer entertainment, food, and activities for families to enjoy together. Pack mostly food from home and set a small budget to get a special treat or participate in one activity while at an event. This way you can enjoy in the festivities and feel like you're part of the fun while not breaking the bank. Host a Potluck Dinner:  Organize potluck dinners with other single parents and their children. Each family can contribute a dish, making it a budget-friendly way to enjoy a meal together and socialize. This is a fantastic way to develop a new family-like system. You become a safe adult for the other children and the other adults become safe for your kids. Let go of the idea of the house needing to be perfectly put together, having beautiful place settings, or any other perfectionism that gets in the way of connection. Side note: When I lived in Costa Rica for nearly a year, most of us in our community had so little resources that when we would host potlucks, everyone needed to bring their own dishes. More often than not, people are just excited to be invited and connect. Exchange Babysitting Services:  Coordinate with other single parents to exchange babysitting services. You can take turns watching each other's children, allowing everyone to enjoy some much-needed time off without the expense of hiring a babysitter. Again, you're building relationships and creating a village that helps care for each other and your children. Plan a Group Outing: Coordinate a group outing with other single-parent families to a local attraction such as a zoo, museum, or botanical garden. Look online, at your local library, or community center for discounted admission rates or free admission days to keep costs down. Consider driving a ways out of town to find unique attractions off the beaten path. Many times rural attractions have cheaper entrance fees. Attend Free Community Sports Events:  Look for free or low-cost sports events in your community, such as youth soccer games, little league baseball games, or your local high school games. It's a fun way to support local teams, bond with other families (more to invite to potluck dinners!), and any fees paid go towards a good cause. Attend High School Theater Shows:  Similar to the sports events mentioned above, High School theater is a great source of entertainment! You don't need to spend hundreds of dollars to expose your kids to the theater. And you would be amazed at how talented these high school actors really are. I'm coming to enjoy amateur theater more than professional because they're absolutely adorable. Host a Craft Night for Kids:  Why wait for a birthday party? Organize a craft night for children where they can create art projects together. Invite kids from school, the neighborhood, or daycare, and their parents. Set up different craft stations with supplies you already have at home, or check out your local dollar store. Set out some lemonade and invite the parents to bring a snack to share. Farmer's Market:  Meet your need for good, whole foods and social connection at the same time. Find your nearest farmer's market and connect with other families and farmers who share this same interest. They often have kid-friendly activities. Picnics in the Park:  Plan picnics in local parks. They're usually free or have minimal entrance fees, and you can invite friends or family to join you. Volunteer Together: Look for volunteer opportunities in your community. Volunteering not only helps others but also allows you to meet new people who share similar interests. Join Meetup Groups:  Explore meetup.com or similar platforms to find groups in your area that share your interests. Many of these gatherings are free or have minimal membership fees. I personally led a Meetup group for years after my divorce, as well as participating in several others. It's a fantastic way to meet new people and make new friends with similar interests. Book Clubs: Start or join a book club with friends, neighbors, or co-workers. You can borrow books from the library or swap them among yourselves to keep costs low. You don't even need many people for this. You can have a book club of 2! Host a Clothing Swap:  Organize a clothing swap party where guests bring clothes they no longer wear and exchange them with others. It's a fun way to switch up your wardrobe without spending money. Go Grocery Shopping with a Friend:  Turn grocery shopping into a fun outing with a friend. You can hold each other accountable to remaining in your respective budgets and you may learn about some new food or meal options from each other. Group Exercise:  Participate in group exercise classes offered at local community centers or parks. Many places offer low-cost or donation-based classes like yoga or tai chi. You can also check out local running, walking, or biking groups that often have a minimal participation fee. Make a goal to make eye contact and say "hi" to at least one new person each time you go. Online Socializing:  While face-to-face interactions are important, and arguably the best for us as social mammals, don't underestimate the power of online socializing. Connecting with like-minded people, or simply those who are having a similar experience as you, can do wonders for helping you feel less alone. There you have it! 25 ideas to help you get and stay socially connected so that you can thrive in community. Start small and keep going. Let go of any expectations or visions of perfection and be willing to be a messy human - the right people will stick around. What would you add to the list? Share in the comments below! Pin this post to read it later   Want more support like this?  Join my free newsletter, Points of Connection , and get stories, insights, and practical strategies sent straight to your inbox every Tuesday.  Click here to receive your weekly letter and join a growing community! Disclaimer: This blog is intended for informational and inspirational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional mental health care, diagnosis, or treatment. Reading this does not create a therapeutic relationship with Sherri M. Herman. If you are struggling with your mental health, please reach out to a licensed therapist or medical provider in your area.

Have you felt lost and alone after losing a partner or loved companion Whether you’ve lost your partner to divorce, death, or debilitating physical or mental illness, the grief that follows can feel overwhelmingly painful and lonely. I’m here to help guide you through coping with the loneliness of grief. Losing a beloved companion can leave you feeling like there's a gaping hole in your heart; a void that seems like it will never be filled again. And, in some ways, you’ll probably always feel that hole in your heart. Even if there was turbulence or hardship in the relationship, loss is loss.  No other person or relationship could ever replace the person, relationship, or the dreams you had for that relationship. It is truly a loss that you feel forever. And… and, I know without a doubt that your heart can heal and that you can feel love even in that very space that feels totally empty. And I am absolutely convinced that this loss can end up being just the thing that draws you nearer to love; perhaps closer than you ever felt before or have ever imagined. Loneliness, in the aftermath of loss, can feel all-encompassing. Losing a companion feels like the rug has been pulled out from underneath you. Depending on how emotionally invested you were in the relationship, it can feel like you can’t breathe and your body just hurts everywhere, because feelings are physical.  Both the pain and the utter disbelief can be so entirely disorienting that you just can’t think straight for days, weeks, or more. It can literally throw you into a survival mode. That’s because we are social mammals who are wired for connection.  As much as we might intellectually know that we will eventually lose everything or everyone that we love, there is just always a part of us, wired deep into our subconscious and perhaps into our nervous system, that just does not expect anything to change. Ever. I believe this is why there is an enormous body of research on the benefits of “ radical acceptance ”, a term coined by Marsha Linehan , creator of Dialectical Behavioral Therapy . Your feelings are entirely normal.  Every single emotion you feel is one-hundred percent normal, valid, and true. Remember, your feelings are physical. They are just sensations in the body that either feel pleasant, unpleasant, or neutral.  By and large, your feelings are the result of conscious or unconscious thoughts, interpretations, memories, or perceptions. Some of those are within your control and so many (perhaps most) are not. This is why you can’t really choose or control your feelings. Especially in the wake of grief.  Your feelings can motivate you to take action in some form or another or they can motivate you to stay put. Either way, your feelings are never bad, wrong, or otherwise invalid. If this is hard to accept (as it was for me for many years), I encourage you to write it down someplace where you’ll see it often and practice radical acceptance. You can feel multiple feelings at the same time. As if feeling deeply sad or lonely wasn’t hard enough, it’s also totally normal to feel a multitude of emotions at the exact same time. This is what makes grief grief and this is what makes grief so overwhelming and all-encompassing.  Part of what makes grieving so lonely is that no other person will experience it just as you are. Even if you are grieving the loss of the same person or relationship as someone else, you will still have different experiences. You may share the general experience of grief, but the flavor will be uniquely yours and yours alone.  And this is exactly why it’s so important to not shame, blame, or minimize yourself for having any or all of the feelings. These internal behaviors cause internal disconnection and deeper loneliness. Instead, we need to meet our feelings, all of our feelings, with radical acceptance and then loving-kindness.  Again, easier said than done, I know. But practice makes progress.  There is no such thing as a normal, grieving timeline. As you’re beginning to see, your feelings can have a mind of their own, heck, even your mind can have a mind of its own. This is why it’s so important to not put your grieving on a timeline or to let anyone else think that your grieving should be on a timeline. Any timeline of grief is an absolute myth .   Yes, we can reasonably expect that the early days, weeks, and months will likely be more painful than later times. However, pain can persist and even surge at predictable and entirely unpredictable times. Because, remember, our feelings are activated by conscious and unconscious thoughts or external cues (things outside of you).  There are no “shoulds” when it comes to grief. We have a funny little saying in the therapy world, maybe you’ve heard some version of it: Don’t should all over yourself . Right? Clever.  But it’s so true. I really wish we could do away with the shoulds in all aspects of our lives. It just causes us so much needless suffering by setting us up for false expectations or comparisons. I lived under the debilitating pressure of should  for so much of my life. I’m not 100% free of it but it’s a lot less than it used to be. And there’s just no place for it in grief.  I want you to remember that should = shame. Everytime you should all over yourself , you’re likely triggering shame, which generally makes you feel worse and more lonely.  Just say “no” to should . Your grief journey is uniquely yours and valid. My friend, I know just how easy it is to look at other people who have had a significant loss and think, “they’re doing better than I am,” or “why have they bounced back so quickly?”  Just like you are unique, your journey is also unique. Just like you are valid, your journey is valid. Just like you are special, sacred, and exactly as you are meant to be, so too is your journey.  This is where it’s so important to watch those pesky thoughts of comparison or judgment and let them float on by like clouds in the sky. Then place your hand on your heart and remind yourself, “My experience is exactly right for me. Thank you for loving me and taking care of me.” You get to set new boundaries. Because your unique feelings and journey are so entirely valid, it’s important to pay attention to who else in your life honors your experience as well. There may be some people who are willing to accept and meet you where you’re at, and of course many may not have the capacity to.  You probably have run into some people who challenge your feelings, wonder aloud when you’ll get over it, encourage you to look on the bright side, be grateful, or otherwise happy that x, y, or z. Worse yet, some people may actually blame or shame you for feeling or thinking the way you do.  Whoever adds to your pain needs a boundary, at least for now. Meaning, you share less with them and perhaps spend less time with them. Remember, boundaries are about managing your own behavior and communicating your needs and requests. Boundaries are not about telling others what to do.  When you are deeply wounded, it’s better to minimize contact with people who will emotionally take you down further than you already are, even if it’s someone that you thought you were very close to.  There is no such thing as moving on.  A part of me wants to say that I wish we could easily move on. But there’s a deeper part of me that doesn’t. That deeper part of me knows that this experience is happening because you loved. Because you are human. Because you hoped and dreamed. And because the grief experience holds the real possibility of sinking even deeper into love than ever before. Loneliness isn’t the end game. No, you don’t move on. You carry your grief forward. You learn how to nurture it and yourself. You learn how to take needed breaks from it. You may try to suppress it for a little while until it comes out sideways and you remember to tend to it again.  One step at a time, one day at a time, we learn to live with our grief.  You deserve loving-kindness. I know you are kind hearted and it’s important to you to treat others the way you want to be treated. I have no doubt this is important to you. But my friend, it’s also important to treat yourself the way you want to be treated.  Whether you believe it or not, I’m here to tell you that you are always deserving of loving-kindness from yourself just as much as you are deserving to receive it from others, and just as much as you believe others deserve it from you. And when you know that you will have your own back no matter what, you can experience deep peace and freedom.  Can you believe it? If you can’t, you can borrow my conviction for now. I believe it 100%.  An inner source of love is always there for you.  If you have a hard time extending loving-kindness to yourself, try connecting with your unique inner source of love. I promise you have one. For some people it’s God, or The Universe, Divine Goddess, Buddha, Jesus, The Holy Spirit, Mother Nature, or another name. Maybe for you it’s just the value of love or kindness itself, the support of community, or the memory of your grandmother or grandfather. Or maybe it’s your beloved pet.  You were created from the fabric of love. Love is the very essence of your being. As my favorite Zen teacher used to remind me (very frequently), you are not just lovable but you are  love. It took me a while to realize and feel that truth. I couldn’t think my way to believing it. I needed to feel my way there. With time and practice, you can too.  Your lost relationship was not the source of your love. The person you loved, and still love, was not the source of your love. They triggered your feelings of love. Which means that love is, and has always been, already within you.   You can trust yourself. You have been through so much. You can trust that you will get through this. You can trust that you can keep going. You can trust that you have everything you need to feel good, whole, and connected. You can trust your inner source of love.  You can trust that those feelings of love you felt before are still within you and you can trust you will feel them again.  And if you struggle to feel confident in that trust, you can borrow mine until yours is there.  You get to redefine what matters most to you.  You’re living in a new landscape now. And you get to decide how that landscape looks and feels. You get to shape a new life and reality for yourself.  What matters most to you in this new season? What do you want your life to be about from now on? Even if you can only think about this one day at a time, what do you want your life to represent today?  It’s your one and precious life. You, and only you, get to decide what matters most to you and what you want to attract into your life going forward.  You have permission to feel happy again. No matter what the nature of your loss, you deserve to experience joy in your life again. If you struggle to give yourself permission due to guilt or shame or fear, you can take it from me. I give you permission (even though you don’t need my permission).  You have permission to create new joyful memories. To laugh again. To forget about the pain. To laugh in the pain. To remember good times and hard times.  You have permission to feel gratitude when it feels genuine. Not because you should  feel gratitude; but only when it genuinely arises out of extending loving-kindess to yourself.  Then, I know you will feel happy again.  Losing a close companion, whether to divorce, death, illness, or otherwise, is always complex. It can leave you riddled with a mixed bag of emotions and a big dose of loneliness. Because you are the only one who will ever truly know your experience.  But when you commit to practice responding to yourself with loving-kindness, and connecting with your inner source of love, you have the capacity to always (or nearly always) feel deeply connected, valued, and loved.   Pin this post to read it later Want more support like this?  Join my free newsletter, Points of Connection , and get stories, insights, and practical strategies sent straight to your inbox every Tuesday.  Click here to receive your weekly letter and join a growing community! Disclaimer: This blog is intended for informational and inspirational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional mental health care, diagnosis, or treatment. Reading this does not create a therapeutic relationship with Sherri M. Herman. If you are struggling with your mental health, please reach out to a licensed therapist or medical provider in your area.

Ever felt like your family just doesn't fit the mold? The pressure to measure up to seemingly perfect families can feel suffocating and impossible, especially for those whose family dynamics have shifted unexpectedly due to divorce or loss. But here's the kicker: trying to stop comparing yourself to others is a losing battle. I’m going to tell you why and I’m going to show you a better way, one that’s backed by neuroscience. During the Christmas of 2016, I took my son to a tree lighting ceremony in a nearby suburb. It had the quaint charm of a small-town that made me feel like we were in a Hallmark movie (I know, they are so fake and cheesy but I still love them!). The only problem was that I felt like we were all alone in a crowd. Just the two of us surrounded by seemingly happy families enjoying their holidays together. I felt like an outsider, like I didn’t belong.  I did my best to put on my happy face and try to create a fun holiday memory for my son who was four at the time. I felt like I was drowning in thoughts of comparison. It was so painful, I could feel it in my body. Oddly enough, he has no conscious recollection of any of it. But it's actually a fond memory to me now because I was consciously living into my values and stepping way outside of my comfort zone. The perception that everyone else is happier or other families are better than yours can feel heavy, painful, and very real when your family no longer looks how you wanted or expected it to look. It can make you feel isolated and alone, like your family doesn’t fit in anymore. Like you  don’t fit anymore. Feeling inferior to other families that appear happy can be a common struggle for divorced parents or any family system that has shifted in a way they never anticipated. While it's important to remember that appearances can be deceiving, it’s more important to understand that you have so much more power over your experience of reality than you think you do.  With summertime family activities right around the corner, that part of you, the part that compares yourself to others (usually negatively) could be on the verge of a feeding frenzy. But I’m going to help you head it off with a proven method to help you cope with the situation and come out feeling happier and more satisfied with the precious life and family you already have. Forget the idea that you should stop comparing yourself to others. Wait, what? I know, I know. It seems backwards. But stick with me. It’s not going to happen. Trying to stop comparing yourself to others is the biggest mistake you could make. And if you do try to make it happen, you're going to send yourself down a trail of self-denial and disconnection, which makes you feel worse and more lonely. Seriously my friend, save yourself the heartache, frustration, and wasted time. Trying to stop comparing yourself to others is a fool's errand. Your mind has been wired for comparison. Here’s why you shouldn’t try to stop comparing. Your mind has been so conditioned for years and years to compare yourself to others. Sometimes you might do it in a way that makes you feel good about yourself but most of the time the comparison just makes you feel bad about yourself and makes you think you’re not measuring up.  The way that you compare yourself to others has been influenced by your family, close social circles (the ones you grew up with and the ones you’re in now), the culture messages you received, and the brain wiring you were born with as a human. I don’t know about you but I got the message that I was supposed to marry young, have 2-3 kids, be a stay-at-home-mom, and become an expert pie baker. Which effectively means I should have been an exact replica of my grandma. I chuckle…  Think about it. How often was your performance compared in school? How often did you feel compared to your sibling(s) or cousin(s)? How often do you compare yourself to the images in magazines, social media, and movies? How often do you compare the contents of your grocery cart with other peoples’ grocery carts? How often have you compared yourself to your grandparents? How often do you compare yourself to anything or anyone that is living the way you really want to be living or really don’t want to be living? It’s constant. Trying to stop your mind from comparing is like trying to stop the tide.  The forces that have conditioned your mind to socially compare are wildly outside of your control. It comes back to nature (the predispositions and instincts you were born with) and nurture (the environment(s) in which you were raised). Truly, your mind compares because you are alive, because you are human, and because you want to survive and thrive.  Comparison is the product of your comparing-mind . This is a term I learned while studying and formally practicing Zen Buddhism at the Minnesota Zen Meditation Center  in Minneapolis, MN for nearly a decade. It’s the part of your mind that instantly and automatically compares yourself to others and makes a split-second judgment regarding whether you’re measuring up or not.  Comparing mind can make you feel inferior or superior to others. From a Buddhist perspective, either way, it’s all smoke and mirrors with no substantive truth. Both sides of the comparison coin ultimately add to your suffering.  Comparing mind is not a scientific label but it’s a way you can recognize a function of your mind and to see it not as containing the truth of the matter but that it’s merely performing a function that’s trying to keep you safe and secure in your social system. That’s where neuroscience comes in.  It is in the nature of your mind to compare.  You can’t just get rid of the tendency to compare. I’m sorry but you can’t just let it go, as Elsa would have you believe. It is wired into your brain and has well-worn neural pathways that operate very efficiently like going down a speed slide.  Your mind is always scanning and making comparative judgements within the context of your social environment because you are a social mammal. Comparison is not all bad, it’s actually really important in many ways. Comparison provides an efficient strategy to make quick decisions and perform complex tasks.  In the social context, your mind is often scanning for validation that indicates “you’re in,” in which case you’re good and safe, or that would indicate, “you’re out,” in which case, you better course correct so that you can continue to get your needs met.  But here’s the thing, while comparison does have some important functions for us, it also can cause a lot of needless suffering. And can we both agree that this part of your mind is causing you a tremendous amount of pain and suffering?  It’s important to recognize when your comparing mind is helping you or hurting you; when it motivates you to positive change or helps you make decisions, and when it keeps you feeling inferior, unlovable, and painfully lonely. The good news: you can change your relationship with your comparing mind.  What you can do is become familiar with your comparing mind, recognize and acknowledge the thoughts when they show up, and then choose your actions based on your values. The situation may or may not call for your comparing mind to be in the driver’s seat.  Do you value kindness? Then respond to yourself with kindness.  Do you value acceptance? Then respond to yourself with acceptance.  Do you value loving relationships? Then respond to the situation in a way that encourages loving relationships, including with yourself.  You get the idea.  And surround yourself with people who respond to you in kind. What you practice grows stronger.  Every time your comparing mind shows up and tells you that you don’t measure up, and you believe it, you strengthen that thought pattern; you strengthen that neural pathway. You are in effect practicing comparison. That’s what we do when we’re living on auto pilot. Eesh.  When you commit to always responding to yourself in a way that’s based on your values, then that is what grows stronger. Overtime, the new emotional-behavioral patterns can sort of take over the old ones.  It’s like trying to change the flavor profile of a sourdough starter. If you start with rye flour, it will have a strong flavor of rye flour. But if slowly over time you begin using white flour, the flavor profile will neutralize. The rye flavor will never be gone entirely but it will be less and less. That’s how it works with changing the patterns of your mind. The old patterns never leave entirely, but over time and with practice, they lose their strength and hold on you while the new ones gain much more power and influence. Due to practice, your brain develops more efficient neural pathways for the new behavior. You get to decide what you want to practice. My friend, you don’t have to keep operating on autopilot. You don’t have to live under the thumb of your comparing mind. That’s a painful existence and you deserve better.  You can be intentional about what thought and behavioral patterns you do practice so that you can feel the way you want to feel. I don’t know about you but I like feeling peace. And the relationship you develop with your mind has the most powerful influence over feeling peace.  How would you like to feel? Your family is beautiful as it is.  Take a moment and just consider: what would it be like to imagine that your family, just as it is, perfectly meets the definition of family simply because it exists. Family’s have taken many shapes and sizes since the beginning of time. Even in the wild, animal family systems can look wildly different from one species to the next and even within a species.  It took me a long time to see that when it was just me and my son, our dog and fish, we were a complete family. I thought I needed to wait to do family activities, family photos, or develop new family traditions until we were a more "complete" family with two parents. This is not the case. Your family is yours. And you get to design a beautiful family life exactly as it is. It’s time to stop giving your precious energy and time to those thoughts of comparison and start giving all of your energy and time to what matters most to you. What do you want your family to be about? What are the values you hold dear? What sounds fun to you? What sounds meaningful? What kind of memories do you want to make? Then go do that.  When you can finally let that comparing mind float on by like clouds in the sky, suddenly your life becomes a beautiful work of art that is being created and co-created according to what deeply matters most to you and the ones you love. What could be more important? ---> How has comparison hurt or helped you? What helps you overcome comparison? Feel free to share in the comments. I'd be happy to hear from you. Pin this post to read it later Want more support like this?  Join my free newsletter, Points of Connection , and get stories, insights, and practical strategies sent straight to your inbox every Tuesday.  Click here to receive your weekly letter and join a growing community! Disclaimer: This blog is intended for informational and inspirational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional mental health care, diagnosis, or treatment. Reading this does not create a therapeutic relationship with Sherri M. Herman. If you are struggling with your mental health, please reach out to a licensed therapist or medical provider in your area.

Have you been intending to start a journal for years but just haven't gotten around to it? Or have you started in the past but just couldn't stick with it? I'm here to give you a little encouragement to pickup that pen and paper and start journaling. If you're feeling stressed, stuck, or overwhelmed, journaling may be your ticket to freedom. For decades, I've maintained a journaling practice that has been instrumental in my personal growth, healing, and self-discovery. What started as an organic need to jot down my thoughts as a child, likely stemming from my own childhood loneliness, has evolved into a cherished practice that I credit with supporting my own resilience and insight. There was something so alluring about a little book with a lock. Do you remember those? I especially remember the ones that would always be for sale in those school fundraisers catalogs. I could just write down all of my thoughts in there and it would only be between me and the book and I could safely tuck it away.  Nowadays, I don’t bother locking away or hiding my journals. I feel free to let them sit out in the open. My family knows that if they go browsing through something that they shouldn’t be going through, the consequences are theirs and theirs alone. My journal is and always will be a safe space for my thoughts, reflections, pains, hopes, and dreams.   I want that kind of freedom for you too because the benefits of journaling are too good and too many to pass up. Here are 7 reasons why journaling is good for your health... 1. Stress Reduction and Enhancing Well-being The benefits of journaling are expansive, beginning with its ability to alleviate stress. By providing a safe space to express and process your thoughts and feelings, journaling can act like a release valve for the pressures of daily life. This reduction in stress has far-reaching implications for overall well-being, including: improved sleep, reduced muscle tension, improved mood, improved relationships, lower blood pressure, improved health, better weight management, and the list goes on and on.  Don’t believe me? Check out this video  of neuroscientist Dr. Tara Swart  talking about the benefits of journaling from a neurological perspective.  2. Gaining Perspective Through Reflection Maintaining a regular journaling practice can help you develop new perspectives. When you write down your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors and later review them, you can get a sense about the accuracy of your perceptions and also any patterns that may be unhelpful.  Were you seeing things clearly or were you jumping to conclusions? Do you tend to respond to your strong emotions with helpful or unhelpful behaviors? This can be helpful for building trust in your intuition or gaining clarity on your inner voices of anxiety or criticism. Dr. Tara Swart also touches on the benefits of this reflective piece in the link above.  3. Emotional Processing and Recognizing Needs Journaling can be a helpful tool for becoming aware of your feelings and processing your emotions. You can begin to recognize how your feelings feel in your body. Remember, feelings are physical. They live in your body but we interpret and understand them with our mind.  Journaling can help you better understand and tease apart your emotions. What’s underneath them? What might be triggering them? This gives you an opportunity to consider what you might be needing and/or what environmental changes might need to be made.  If you can understand your emotions, you can communicate them and manage them, which helps you to get your needs met and maintain healthy relationships. 4. Living Authentically Journaling can help unearth your hidden desires, dreams, values or even fears; things that perhaps have been lurking under the surface of awareness for a long time or maybe even things you never knew existed within you. It can help you clarify what matters most to you so that you can live your life according to what matters most to you. The more you write, the more you discover. Which means, the more you get to be authentically you and live in alignment with who you truly are. Fewer things help you sleep better at night than knowing that you are living a life that is true to yourself. 5. Cultivating Gratitude When expressing thoughts and feelings about events or experiences that frustrate you or leave you feel worried or upset, it can also be helpful to give equal attention to what you appreciate, what you are grateful for, and what goodness you do see within the situation.  The research and reported benefits of cultivating gratitude is vast. From boosting happiness to reducing stress and mental illness , developing a simple gratitude practice in your journal could add years to your life. 6. Improved Communication Beyond its therapeutic benefits, journaling can bolster your relational, academic and professional success by honing your communication and writing skills. If you don’t regularly journal already and if you don’t regularly need to write for work or school, there may be few opportunities for you to really develop your thoughts and put them in writing. Journaling is an amazing outlet for improving your ability to express yourself clearly.  7. Coping with Loneliness When you are alone and have no one to talk to, your journal is always there for you. You can write as if you are talking to a good friend, a lost loved one, your Higher Guidance, a past therapist, or anyone that would help bring you some comfort. Personally, I just prefer to write to myself or God. Truly, just by connecting with your own thoughts and feelings by writing them down is meeting your need for being seen, heard, and understood. This can absolutely help to soften or soothe feelings of loneliness, make you feel more connected, and create more freedom in your relationships. Wrapping it Up Journaling is not just a simple writing exercise nor is it a trite activity done by little children in their dear diaries. It's also not something that has a "right way" or a "wrong way. " Try to be patient and kind with yourself as you get started. Journaling is a sacred and timeless practice of self-discovery, growth, healing, and empowerment. By providing a safe space for reflection, you can give yourself the gift of stress reduction, improved health and emotional well-being, and freedom. ---> I hope you'll give journaling a try and let me know how it goes! Pin this post to read it later Want more support like this?  Join my free newsletter, Points of Connection , and get stories, insights, and practical strategies sent straight to your inbox every Tuesday.  Click here to receive your weekly letter and join a growing community! Disclaimer: This blog is intended for informational and inspirational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional mental health care, diagnosis, or treatment. Reading this does not create a therapeutic relationship with Sherri M. Herman. If you are struggling with your mental health, please reach out to a licensed therapist or medical provider in your area.

Do you wish you had some simple tools to help you feel better? It's "Maycember" and when the stress and chaos of life looms large, self-care often takes a backseat especially if you have littles in your life. Yet, amidst the chaos, there are simple, yet profoundly impactful tools that can serve as beacons of solace and strength. In this article, I provide you with 5 simple, free yet powerful and effective tools for managing your mental health. From the soothing embrace of visualization to the tender touch of self-love, these practices offer not just momentary reprieve, but enduring pathways to inner peace and well-being. 5 Life Changing Mental Health Tools   1) Visualizing a peaceful scene When you close your eyes and imagine yourself in a peaceful scene, your brain lights up as if you are actually in that scenario. Isn't that cool? With these neural pathways activated, your body releases good-feeling endorphins which reduces stress, increases calm, enhances focus and concentration, and can help you to feel more confident.    2) Giving yourself a hug or gentle touch One of my favorite self-soothing strategies that I learned from Dr. Kristin Neff, PhD, LP , who is a psychologist, researcher, associated professor at University of Texas-Austin, and expert on Self-Compassion, is to give yourself gentle and soothing touch, such as gently rubbing your hands on your arm, your leg, or placing your hand over your heart or caressing your face. Doing this actually helps release oxytocin, the love hormone. When no one else is around, giving yourself loving physical touch can help you feel soothed and loved.    3) Breathe through your nose Forget about always needing to count your breathing (although it's pretty helpful) and focus more on inhaling and exhaling through your nose. Nose breathing isn't just good for your mental health but it's also great for your medical health. (Because, truly, mental health and medical health are one in the same!) Nose breathing lowers your blood pressure, it helps to regulate your nervous system (which makes you feel calm), it delivers more oxygen to your working muscles, it helps to calm your mind, improve sleep, and so many other benefits. Learn more here: https://oxygenadvantage.com/science/nose-breathing-vs-mouth-breathing/   4) Talk to yourself in a loving manner Talking lovingly to yourself releases "feel good" hormones like oxytocin (the love hormone), dopamine, and endorphins. Better yet, it's totally free and available in endless quantities. All you have to do is talk to yourself like someone you dearly love - or - imagine someone (such as a family member, dear friend, or spiritual figure) talking to you as if they deeply love and cherish you.    5) Practice prayer or affirmations But not just any prayer, internally guided prayer. Meaning, you are relying on your internal thoughts and feelings to guide your communication with your spiritual connection. When you practice internally guided prayer, you activate parts of your brain that promote self-reflection, insight, and the sense that you are a divine being. Isn't that cool? You're brain is wired for spirituality. If you want to nerd out on the research, you can read about it here .    Bonus Did you know that the U.S. now has a national mental health and suicide crisis line? If you are experiencing a mental health crisis, you can dial 9-8-8 from anywhere in the U.S., 24/7, to get connected to your local crisis center and receive free and confidential support. You can learn more about it here: https://988lifeline.org/ . Pin this post to read it later Want more support like this?  Join my free newsletter, Points of Connection , and get stories, insights, and practical strategies sent straight to your inbox every Tuesday.  Click here to receive your weekly letter and join a growing community! Disclaimer: This blog is intended for informational and inspirational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional mental health care, diagnosis, or treatment. Reading this does not create a therapeutic relationship with Sherri M. Herman. If you are struggling with your mental health, please reach out to a licensed therapist or medical provider in your area.

Do you ever feel frustrated or disappointed when people in your life don’t behave how you want them to?  How often do you get attached to how you think someone should or shouldn't be behaving or responding to you? If you've ever felt frustrated, annoyed, or angry because someone is behaving so differently from what you want or expect, number one: you're a normal human; number two: stick with me. I'm going to talk about how to stop putting your emotional well-being purely in the hands of others and how to take back your power. This can save you from the clutches of chronic loneliness. A Muddy Road In the classic Zen koan (a Buddhist story similar to a parable) entitled, “Muddy Road,” Tanzan and Ekido were once traveling together down a muddy road. A heavy rain was still falling. Coming around a bend, they met a lovely girl in a silk kimono and sash, unable to cross the intersection. "Come on, girl," said Tanzan at once. Lifting her in his arms, he carried her over the mud. Ekido did not speak again until that night when they reached a lodging temple. Then he could no longer restrain himself. "We monks don't go near females," he told Tanzan, "especially not young and lovely ones. It is dangerous. Why did you do that?" "I left the girl there," said Tanzan. "Are you still carrying her?"   Who are you carrying? Whose behavior in your life is taking up so much of your energy and attention that it’s practically making you sick? Is it your ex or someone you're interested in? Whose actions are keeping you in a perpetual state of anxiety or frustration? Is it your parents or children? Who is making you feel overlooked, disrespected, or discarded? Is it the friend group that you no longer feel connected to or is it your boss?   When you focus more on other people’s behavior, you give away your power.  Ekido was so consumed by his judgment of Tanzan’s actions; it was his own thinking, not Tanzan's behavior, that was causing his suffering. We can just imagine him walking back to the monastery, seething inside with a tight chest, tension in his body, and tunnel vision. He was caught up in his mind, disconnected from himself, and no longer present. How often do you give away your emotional well-being to other people’s behavior? When our focus is outward, our sense of “okayness” is precarious because it’s dependent on other people behaving as we expect or want.   That’s like entrusting your peace to the weather.  Your emotional well-being affects everything—your sleep, eating habits, exercise habits, self-perception, spending habits, goal pursuits, and of course, your actions and feelings in relationships. You wouldn't want to leave these important pieces of your emotional well-being up to something as fluid and unpredictable as the weather. Your emotional well-being also impacts the type of people you attract people into your life and the extent to which you push people away.   The more you focus on outward judgment, the more likely you are to feel lonely.  Getting caught in judging other people’s behavior often leads to a sense of separation and disconnection.  Do you know anyone who is always focused on other people and is a very peaceful person? It’s pretty rare. Instead, you’ll see their mood fluctuate depending on how they are judging the people’s behavior. I will be the first to admit that I unconsciously lived my life this way for a long time. But I’m not perfect and I’m not done growing. I still get caught in this pattern sometimes, after all, I’m only human. However, years of mindfulness practice has significantly reduced this tendency and I’m more likely to catch myself when it happens.  How about for you?  How often do you find yourself focusing on other people’s behavior? Do you usually feel content, satisfied, or neutral? Or, do you feel frustrated, disappointed, or downright angry? If your experience is the latter, I’m here for you. And I’ve got a solution. Take back your power by connecting inward first. Meaning, connect with your feelings, needs, values, and desires beneath the chatter of your mind. When you take back your power, your emotional well-being isn’t tied to other people’s behavior because it's tied to your ability to stay true to yourself and control your own behavior. This protects you from chronic disconnection and loneliness. When you connect with yourself first, you lead from the inside out; you become an actor rather than a reactor. You become the hero of your life rather than a victim waiting for someone else to save you. Pin this post to read it later Want more support like this?  Join my free newsletter, Points of Connection , and get stories, insights, and practical strategies sent straight to your inbox every Tuesday.  Click here to receive your weekly letter and join a growing community! Disclaimer: This blog is intended for informational and inspirational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional mental health care, diagnosis, or treatment. Reading this does not create a therapeutic relationship with Sherri M. Herman. If you are struggling with your mental health, please reach out to a licensed therapist or medical provider in your area.

Do you struggle with boredom or emptiness? Do you frequently busy yourself to avoid being alone with your thoughts? These can be sneaky signs of loneliness which, left unchecked, can wreak havoc on all aspects of your health and well-being, finances, and relationships. 😥 Join me as I explore why our efforts to avoid loneliness often backfire and what we can do to genuinely connect with ourselves and others. Through my own experiences and hard-earned lessons, I’ll share how to break free from the cycle of loneliness and find true fulfillment. 🌟 There are many things you can do to feel better, like schedule more activities with people, travel, read, play games on your phone, get a new job, volunteer, etc. The options for connecting with people, engaging in meaningful activities, and having fun are endless. 💃🚴 I'm sure you could come up with many more ideas!    But then, why are we in a loneliness epidemic? Why is it that, in a time with more options for connection than ever before, we are lonelier than ever? Why do so many people feel deeply lonely and go straight to the TV once they get back home from time with family or friends?   Friend, can you relate? 🙋 Millions of people can too, and I used to as well. Many times our seemingly good and healthy activities can masquerade as distractions and don’t improve our long-term emotional well-being at all.    When you engage in activities to avoid feeling lonely, you’ll find yourself on a hamster wheel of discontentment. 🐹   It’s not so much about what you’re doing but what your behavior is motivated by. Are you consciously or unconsciously motivated by the avoidance of pain? Are you trying to get away from your suffering? 🤔   Or is your behavior driven by what truly matters most to you? Is it a natural outgrowth of meaning and purpose? Are you pursuing connection because of something important to you?The first time I got married (at age 22), I did it because I didn’t want to feel left out among my friends and family who were getting married; I wanted to feel special and included. I didn’t want to be alone and I desperately wanted to feel like I belonged. I wanted to stop feeling lonely.    Well, news flash, the marriage didn’t result in feeling any sense of belonging, connection, or inclusion. And it certainly didn’t resolve my loneliness. It only made matters worse. 😣   It’s so easy to get this mixed up. You have countless messages in your face everyday trying to convince you that some new solution will solve all of your problems and finally get you the peace you’re seeking.    How about that weed control for your yard? Those people in the commercials look pretty relieved once those nasty weeds are gone. Whew! Thank goodness! Now they can go on living with all of their problems solved forever and ever. 😆   I mean, right?! This is what we see everyday. One.more.thing. that’s going to be the be-all-end-all of our problems. Gosh, I wish it were the case. Don’t you? I wish all of the fancy leather purses, the perfect gym body, the name brands, the people-pleasing… all of it… I, too, wish all of it could be the solution. It would be so easy! But it never is. 😪   Eventually the hamster wheel comes to a stop and you have to face the music.   I finally got off my hamster wheel after the devastation of my second divorce. I slowly stopped chasing after more relationships to distract from my pain and loneliness. I stopped looking to substances to mask my lack of belonging, and I curtailed my out-of-control spending that I thought was making me happy.    Does this mean I’ve stopped having fun or doing all distracting things? Gosh no. I’m still a human on planet earth. I love chocolate, time with friends, and buying new pens and planners. 📔🖊️    ✅ But, I’m no longer primarily motivated by pain avoidance. That’s the difference.    When you change your relationship with your suffering (your loneliness) it no longer controls you or runs your life.   You get back in the driver seat; your life and relationships begin to flourish in a whole new way.    You get freedom. 🌟   Friend, what hamster wheel are you on?    What are you repeatedly chasing after that never leaves you feeling really satisfied? What’s creating a wedge in your relationships? What are you pursuing that only brings short-term relief?   I want to know what you're chasing after that never leaves you satisfied.   More importantly, I want to know: what do you really want?    Let’s work together to create the meaningful peace, purpose, and connection you want and deserve.   Pin this post to read it later. Want more support like this?  Join my free newsletter, Points of Connection , and get stories, insights, and practical strategies sent straight to your inbox every Tuesday.  Click here to receive your weekly letter and join a growing community! Disclaimer: This blog is intended for informational and inspirational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional mental health care, diagnosis, or treatment. Reading this does not create a therapeutic relationship with Sherri M. Herman. If you are struggling with your mental health, please reach out to a licensed therapist or medical provider in your area.

Do you feel lonely in the wake of the loss of a significant relationship or job? Or perhaps as a result of an accident or injury? When combined, trauma and loneliness amplify each other, making it all the more difficult to heal emotionally and return to psychological and physical well-being. Nearly 30 years ago, my dad Harry died at the age of 45 from a heart attack. The autopsy revealed scar tissue on his heart, evidence that he most certainly experienced multiple heart attacks prior to the final blow; heart attacks that he likely kept to himself or brushed off as indigestion as he took another shot of Maalox. My dad was incredibly social and connected. He was a middle child among seven other siblings, a small business owner, and beloved in his community. Harry was one of the most outgoing, helpful, and gregarious people anyone could know. Harry was the kind of person that would help anyone with anything, whether it was repairing an engine, restoring an old mahogany Chris-Craft boat, building a new garage, or helping with a school project. If you needed it, he would figure out a way to make it happen. Anyone could count on him for help and for a beer. He wasn’t a fan of doctors. If you sliced open your finger, he’d probably suggest putting some Watkins Salve on it, have a swig of beer – you’ll be fine. To the untrained eye, no one would have ever classified my dad as lonely. The untrained eye wouldn’t see his chain smoking as a coping mechanism for unresolved childhood trauma. The untrained eye wouldn’t see his nearly continuous consumption of beer and vodka as desperate attempts to disconnect from decades of suppressed emotional pain. He spent 45 years of his one, precious life not in social isolation but in emotional isolation fueled by childhood trauma and maintained by chemical addiction. It wasn’t his fault. Although his methods weren’t always healthy and were sometimes downright harmful, I believe he was genuinely doing the best he could with the few tools he had to try and create a better life for himself and his family. Loneliness and trauma are different experiences, both incredibly nuanced, but come with similar negative health effects that are compounded when combined. Harry's life fulfilled the statistical promises of trauma and loneliness: heart disease, chemical addiction, obesity, poor self-care, lack of emotional intimacy, and, of course, premature death. Trauma and loneliness can both can accompany a fundamental belief that, “I’m not okay,” and “The world is not okay.” These intertwined experiences can actually make it more difficult to get the social-emotional support you really need to heal, digging you deeper into a hole of emotional isolation. You can check out some of the research here. Harry's story is a poignant reminder that beneath the surface of outward sociability, many people grapple with deep emotional pain. His journey underscores the critical importance of addressing trauma and loneliness, not just for ourselves, but for those around us. If you find yourself struggling with similar feelings of isolation or unresolved trauma, know that seeking help is a sign of strength, not weakness. Reach out to trusted friends, family members, or professionals who can provide the support and understanding you need. Engaging in open conversations about mental health can help break down the barriers of stigma and isolation that many people face. For those who see someone they care about exhibiting signs of emotional distress, take the time to offer a listening ear and compassionate support. Sometimes, the simple act of being present for someone, without judgment, can make a world of difference. Despite his early death, Harry's legacy is a testament to the power of resilience and the human spirit's capacity to seek connection even through pain. May his story inspire you to look beyond the surface, to offer empathy and support to those who may be struggling, and to prioritize your own emotional well-being. It takes great courage to choose the path of healing. In the end, the path to healing is a solitary choice but not a solitary journey. It is one we can walk together, finding hope and okayness amidst the chaos of the world. By embracing connection and actively working towards healing, we can honor the memory of those like Harry and create a more compassionate and understanding world for all. Let’s work together to create the meaningful peace, purpose, and connection you want and deserve.   Pin this post to read it later Want more support like this?  Join my free newsletter, Points of Connection , and get stories, insights, and practical strategies sent straight to your inbox every Tuesday.  Click here to receive your weekly letter and join a growing community! Disclaimer: This blog is intended for informational and inspirational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional mental health care, diagnosis, or treatment. Reading this does not create a therapeutic relationship with Sherri M. Herman. If you are struggling with your mental health, please reach out to a licensed therapist or medical provider in your area.

Last Saturday night, I stood beneath a crisp Minnesota sky, eyes scanning the darkness for something truly rare: a planetary alignment that won’t happen again for another 15 years. If the horizon were perfectly clear, we could have seen seven planets in the evening sky. Did we see all seven? Not quite.  But even catching just a few, along with the crescent moon, was a breathtaking site through a magnified lens. At Staring Lake Observatory  in Eden Prairie, our astronomy guide spoke about the orbits of planets, the precise way they move through space, and the intricate patterns  woven throughout our universe. As I listened, I couldn’t help but notice the deeper truth in what he was saying: Nature loves on patterns. From the gravitational pull keeping planets in motion to the way seasons cycle through renewal and decay, patterns are everywhere. And not just in the cosmos—in our lives, too. Some patterns serve us. Others? Not so much. Recognizing the Patterns We Live By It made me think about the patterns I unconsciously follow. The habits I don’t question, the automatic ways I respond to stress, boredom, or discomfort. Some of them are good. Some of them are comfortable. And some of them keep me disconnected and make me feel lonely. We all have these patterns, whether we realize it or not. Some were formed in childhood. Some were survival strategies. Some just built up over time, slipping into our daily routines unnoticed, like toxic chemicals. And here’s the thing about some of our long-held patterns: they don’t want to be changed. They will fight to survive. That’s why Lent—or any season of intentional letting go—can be so powerful. It asks us to pause and consider: What am I doing on autopilot that might not be serving me? What have I been clinging to that’s actually keeping me stuck? What am I using to distract myself from deeper discomfort? Lent isn’t just about giving something up—it’s about connecting with what matters most. It’s about getting closer to your Higher Guidance and hearing the whispers of your soul and heart. The distractions we remove aren’t just things taking up space—they’re the noise that drowns out the deeper wisdom within us. The Power of Breaking Patterns For the next several weeks, I’m embracing a Season of Renewal, focusing on breaking patterns that keep me from being fully present and, more importantly, leaning into what truly matters. This includes: A modified fast, adjusting my diet in a way that helps me feel more mindful and intentional A digital detox, stepping back from distractions that pull me away from real connection (internally and externally) Not as an obligation. Not because I "should." But because I want to see what happens when I remove the noise. What will I notice? What will rise to the surface? What parts of me have been buried beneath habit and distraction? I don’t expect it to be easy. In fact, I expect there will be moments where I reach for my phone or crave something comforting. But I also know that resisting the pull of old patterns is how we reclaim our awareness. What About You? You don’t have to do a full fast. You don’t even have to call it Lent. But if something in you is nudging, saying, “Maybe it’s time to shake things up,” listen to that voice. What’s one thing you could remove from your life, even temporarily for just 40 days, to see what it reveals? It could be: The habit of constantly checking your phone The extra cup of coffee you’ve been relying on for energy The nightly Netflix binge that numbs instead of relaxes The self-critical thoughts you allow to run on repeat The way you say yes when you really mean no The goal isn’t deprivation. The goal is awareness . Patterns, like planetary orbits, will keep repeating unless something shifts. Maybe this season is an invitation to create that shift. To make space. To step into something new. I’d love to hear from you. What’s one pattern you’ve noticed in your own life that you’d like to release—or one you’d like to cultivate? Connect with me. Want more support like this?  Join my free newsletter, Points of Connection , and get stories, insights, and practical strategies sent straight to your inbox every Tuesday.  Click here to receive your weekly letter and join a growing community! Disclaimer: This blog is intended for informational and inspirational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional mental health care, diagnosis, or treatment. Reading this does not create a therapeutic relationship with Sherri M. Herman. If you are struggling with your mental health, please reach out to a licensed therapist or medical provider in your area.

Ever have one of those parenting (or relationship) moments you wish you could erase and start over? I had one recently. My child, on the brink of adolescence, was pushing boundaries, and I wasn’t in the best headspace. My frustrations about various things piled up and I eventually reacted in a way that left both of us feeling tense and disconnected. It happens to all of us. Relationships — whether with our kids, partners, or ourselves — are inherently messy and experience ruptures from time to time. Relationship ruptures are normal and are bound to occur. What truly matters is how we choose to repair and reconnect . Left unchecked, that disconnection can quickly turn into loneliness . The Science Behind Our Need for Connection Wondering why those moments can feel so awful? According to UCLA professor Matthew Lieberman , our brains are biologically wired for connection. When you experience social rejection — including boundary violations — your brain respond the same way they do to physical pain. Emotional pain is physical pain. Think about it: being ignored, left out, misunderstood, or having your lines crossed doesn’t just hurt emotionally; it hurts physically , too. That’s partly why relationship trauma has such a negative impact on our overall health and well-being. On the flip side, positive social interactions activate your brain’s reward centers, flooding you with feel-good chemicals like dopamine. Connection isn’t just a luxury, it’s as vital as food or water. That’s why loneliness can feel so unbearable; it’s your brain’s way of alerting you that something essential is missing. Loneliness is a hunger cue for connection. But here’s the thing: while you’re wired for connection, fear often stands in the way. You fear rejection, judgment, or simply not knowing how to make things better. Right? Here are Three Transformative Ways to Reconnect and Improve Connection 1. Mend the Rupture, from the Inside & Out My Experience (sparing you the details): After my tense moment with my son, I felt a wave of shame and regret. In the past, I might have let that define my relationship for weeks. Instead, I turned to my signature framework: the HEART of Inner-Connection to guide me and I was able to repair the next morning: H — Higher Guidance: I sought a sense of inner calm and connection to something greater than myself (for me, it’s God). E — Embodiment: I focused on regulating my physical and emotional states through deep breathing and mindfulness. A — Aspiration: I revisited my core values, like integrity and humility, to ground my next steps. R — Relationship with Self: I practiced self-compassion, reminding myself that making mistakes is part of being human and being a parent on planet earth. T — Trust: I trusted that our existing bond was strong enough to weather this rupture and I trusted I’d be okay even after I swallowed my pride. Action Steps: Apologize: Offer a genuine apology that owns your part. Validate Feelings: Acknowledge the other person’s perspective so they feel heard. Rebuild Trust: A calm, open conversation can pave the way for quicker repair and renewed connection. Try This: Identify one relationship that could use some repair. Offer a sincere apology, express empathy, and actively listen to their response. Pro Tip: Apologizing doesn’t mean you were necessarily in the wrong or that the other person was right. Apologizing is a value-based behavior — that means you value the relationship and so you choose to meet the need of the relationship. 2. Be Fully Present, without Distraction Connection doesn’t happen on autopilot. Real connection requires showing up wholeheartedly and giving someone your undivided attention, no phone, no distractions. Action Step: The next time you interact with someone, challenge yourself to focus completely on them for just five minutes. Notice how that changes the tone of the conversation. Pro Tip: Real connection rarely happens over text message. Save yourself the heartache of continued frustration and disconnection, and talk in a live conversation where you can see each other’s faces. 3. Connect from the Inside -> Out When you experience a relationship rupture, often the automatic reaction can be to point fingers and blame the other person. But that will never lead to repair. Whether you over-stepped or someone crossed a boundary with you, it’s important to pause an connect with yourself internally to determine what really happened for you. Action Step: Spend a few moments tonight tuning in to what you value or need. You might consider journaling, meditation, or even a brief walk outside to help you get more connected internally. Pro Tip: You know that you’re ready to repair when your body is calm, you know what you need, and you can think and speak clearly. Embrace the Messiness of Real Relationships Genuine connection isn’t about being perfect or always being nice or never hurting anyone’s feelings (impossible!); it’s about becoming more aware of yourself, your feelings, your needs and limitations, as well as those of others. Each rupture is an opportunity for growth, every awkward moment a chance for deepening understanding, and every small step toward connection is a step toward healing. The next time you feel disconnected — whether from someone else or from yourself — remember: it’s never too late to repair, reconnect, and restore. Let me know how it goes. Connect with me. Want more support like this?  Join my free newsletter, Points of Connection , and get stories, insights, and practical strategies sent straight to your inbox every Tuesday.  Click here to receive your weekly letter and join a growing community! Disclaimer: This blog is intended for informational and inspirational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional mental health care, diagnosis, or treatment. Reading this does not create a therapeutic relationship with Sherri M. Herman. If you are struggling with your mental health, please reach out to a licensed therapist or medical provider in your area.

If you’re dreading Valentine’s Day because it feels like a spotlight on what’s missing in your life, you’re not alone. I used to feel the same way—until one year, I did something unexpected. And it made a surprising difference. The Moment I Realized a Needed a Valentine... from Myself It was February of 2017, and I found myself sitting on my couch, alone yet again, feeling sad and sorry for myself. I was thinking about Valentine’s Day coming up and felt down that I didn’t have a romantic partner to celebrate with. In that state of mind and heart, it seemed like everyone  but me was in a happy relationship or ideal circumstances (delusional, I know). But that’s where I was. I spent more than a few days wallowing in my sadness and loneliness, and then I got an idea: I decided to send myself the loveliest Valentine’s card and love letter I had ever received. Yep, I was going to send a card to myself. It Felt Silly—But Also Kind of...Right At first, it felt ridiculous. Who does that?  But I didn’t care, and no one else needed to know. Plus, deep down, I knew I needed it. I needed to hear the words I longed for someone else to say to me. I needed to feel special, even if no one else was stepping up to the plate. So I hunted down the perfect card, took it home, and wrote the most heartfelt message I could muster— everything I had ever hoped to hear from another person. I sealed it, addressed it to myself, and popped it in the mailbox. When the Card Arrived, Something Surprised Me A few days later, when it arrived, it felt surprisingly... good. It wasn’t the same as having someone else affirm those things for me, but it didn’t feel fake or flat either. In fact, it felt like a lifeline. The words felt true. It was a small but powerful reminder that  the love and validation I am waiting for can come from within me. Stop Waiting for Someone Else to See You I didn’t know it at the time, but that little Valentine’s card was the start of something bigger. It taught me that while it’s wonderful to receive love and affirmation from others, there’s something even more important: learning to give it to yourself.  Just because the words were coming from me  didn’t make them any less true. Are You Stuck in the Waiting Game? How often do you spend your life waiting? Waiting for a partner to say the right thing. Waiting for a friend to really notice how much you’re struggling. Waiting for someone, anyone , to validate your worth or make you feel special. And when it doesn’t happen, you feel unseen and unimportant. You withdraw even further from your relationships, bitterness and resentment creeping in. And when it does  happen, you just end up deflecting it! Ugh.  It’s a vicious cycle that leaves you lonelier and lonelier. What If You Stopped Waiting? What if you stopped trying to get something that others aren’t willing or capable of giving? What if you gave yourself the love and care you’re so desperate for? I’m not saying this replaces the need for connection with others (let’s be real—we are social mammals, and we do  need real connection from people). However... When you’re emotionally available to yourself: You show others how to love you. You live more from a place of abundance than lack. You show up in your relationships with contentment and trust  because you know  you’re going to be okay. You know  you are already loved. And here’s the thing: it’s way easier to attract meaningful connections when you treat yourself with the same love and respect you desire from others. Your Relationships Mirror the One You Have With Yourself Let me put that another way: The types of relationships you attract mirror the relationship you have with yourself. If you’re feeling unseen this Valentine’s Day—or any day—consider this your nudge to show yourself some love. Below are a few ideas to get you started. 4 Ways to Practice Self-Love 1. Send Yourself a Valentine Yep, I’m serious. Head to the store (or your fav stationary website), find a card that speaks to you, and write yourself the kind of message you’d love to hear. Don’t hold back —this is your moment to celebrate all the things that make you amazing. Seal it, stamp it, and send it. When it arrives, take a moment to really soak it in. 2. Create a “Love Me List” Every night for the rest of February, write down one thing you appreciate about yourself. It doesn’t have to be groundbreaking. Maybe you handled a tough work conversation with grace or made it through a chaotic morning without losing your mind. By the end of the month, you’ll have 28 reasons why you’re worth celebrating—and a much clearer sense of your own value. 3. Say “No” Without Guilt Self-love means protecting your energy. This month, practice saying no to one thing that doesn’t align with your needs or values. It could be an event you’re not excited about or a task you don’t have capacity for. Saying no creates space for what matters most—and reminds you that your time limited and precious. 4. Reach Out to Someone Else Loneliness shrinks when we take small steps toward connection. Think of someone in your life who might need a little love—a friend, a coworker, even your neighbor. Send them a quick text, drop off a small gift, or (if you’re feeling bold) mail them a Valentine. Send them a message that would make their heart happy. Giving love is one of the fastest ways to feel it. This Valentine’s Day… I hope you’ll do something different. Instead of focusing on what’s missing or waiting for someone else to make you feel special, take the lead. Write yourself the love letter you deserve. Celebrate the little things that make you, you . Remind yourself that you are worthy of love, connection, and kindness—just as you are. Let me know how it goes for you. Connect with me.   Want more support like this?  Join my free newsletter, Points of Connection , and get stories, insights, and practical strategies sent straight to your inbox every Tuesday.  Click here to receive your weekly letter and join a growing community! Disclaimer: This blog is intended for informational and inspirational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional mental health care, diagnosis, or treatment. Reading this does not create a therapeutic relationship with Sherri M. Herman. If you are struggling with your mental health, please reach out to a licensed therapist or medical provider in your area.

Have you ever caught yourself in an unhelpful pattern but just don't know how to break it? Truly, most of us don’t even notice we’re doing it. We just feel the urge, act on it, and move on until that urge comes again. Usually it isn't until after several painful run-ins that we finally stop to think, "What is going on here?" That’s why fasting, whether from certain foods, technology, or other ingrained habits, can be such a powerful spiritual and self-awareness practice . It’s not just about deprivation and sacrifice. It’s about breaking the pattern  long enough to actually notice what’s underneath. Because here’s the truth: Most of the time, those urges aren’t random. They’re rising up from something deeper within you that's begging for your attention. And when we pause instead of automatically reacting, we give ourselves the chance to see what’s really going on. Why Fasting (From Anything) Works Fasting isn’t just about giving something up —it’s about creating space  to notice what’s been there all along. Whether it’s food, social media, caffeine, or even negative self-talk, the real power isn’t in the thing you’re removing. The power is in the pause —that moment where you normally would have reached for your phone or grabbed a snack, but instead, you stop . That pause? That’s where connection happens. That's intimacy. It’s where you meet yourself. It’s where you hear the emotions that have been trying to get your attention. It's where you hear the voice of intuition (or God or the Universe) that's been speaking to you all along. It’s where you notice how often you distract yourself instead of truly listening to what you need. How to Start—Without Overcomplicating It You don’t have to do anything extreme to experience the benefits of fasting. The best way to start is by choosing one small pattern to disrupt —just enough to notice the shift. Here are a few easy ways to begin: 1. Start With Awareness Before changing anything, spend one day simply noticing  your patterns. When do you instinctively grab your phone? When do you snack even if you’re not hungry? When do you check email for no real reason? Just watch. No judgment. Just awareness. 2. Pick One Small Disruption Instead of trying to overhaul your entire routine, pick one habit  to shift: Social Media Detox:  No phone for the first 30 minutes of the day. Mindful Eating:  No snacks between meals—when the urge comes, pause and notice. Screen-Free Nights:  No screens after 8 p.m. (or set your own boundary). It doesn’t have to be dramatic. The goal is not perfection— it’s presence. 3. When the Urge Hits, Pause This is the most important part. When you feel the pull to reach for your usual habit—don’t. Pause. Take a deep breath. Ask yourself: What am I feeling right now? What do I actually need? What’s underneath this urge? You don’t have to force an answer. Just sit with it. The insight comes with time. 4. Don’t Replace One Addiction With Another This is a sneaky one and is the number one mistake most people make. We often fast from something, only to replace it with another distraction. Giving up cookies but eating extra pasta. Cutting down on phone time but binging TV instead. Reducing social media but checking email every five minutes. That’s just trading one unconscious habit for another . Instead, let the space remain empty for a moment.  Let yourself feel what comes up. 5. Meet Yourself With Compassion This isn’t about willpower or deprivation. It’s about gentle awareness. When (not if) you slip, don’t punish yourself. Just notice. Learn from it. Approach yourself with curiosity, not criticism. Stay connected with the urge and be curious about the underlying need while you're doing the thing. Stay connected. The goal isn’t to “get it right.” The goal is to see yourself more clearly and reconnect with what truly matters. Fasting, whether from food, technology, or other habits, should be done with self-awareness and care . If you have a history of disordered eating, anxiety, or any mental health condition that could make fasting harmful, consider modifying the practice  to fit your well-being. The goal isn’t deprivation or self-punishment—it’s awareness and connection.  Always prioritize your mental and physical health in any practice of letting go. What You Gain When You Break the Pattern Every time you pause instead of reacting, you’re literally rewiring your brain. You’re breaking the automatic loop. You’re creating space for new neural connections. You’re learning how to sit with discomfort instead of numbing it. You’re getting closer to yourself, your emotions, and your higher guidance. That’s why fasting, from anything , can be a spiritual practice. Fasting isn't just about giving something up. It’s about returning to yourself . And that kind of awareness? That kind of connection? That changes everything. What’s one small pattern you could disrupt this week? Try it, see what happens, and let me know how it goes! Want more support like this?  Join my free newsletter, Points of Connection , and get stories, insights, and practical strategies sent straight to your inbox every Tuesday.  Click here to receive your weekly letter and join a growing community! Disclaimer: This blog is intended for informational and inspirational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional mental health care, diagnosis, or treatment. Reading this does not create a therapeutic relationship with Sherri M. Herman. If you are struggling with your mental health, please reach out to a licensed therapist or medical provider in your area.