
Ever have one of those parenting (or relationship) moments you wish you could erase and start over?
I had one recently. My child, on the brink of adolescence, was pushing boundaries, and I wasn’t in the best headspace.
My frustrations about various things piled up and I eventually reacted in a way that left both of us feeling tense and disconnected.
It happens to all of us. Relationships — whether with our kids, partners, or ourselves — are inherently messy and experience ruptures from time to time.
Relationship ruptures are normal and are bound to occur. What truly matters is how we choose to repair and reconnect.
Left unchecked, that disconnection can quickly turn into loneliness.
The Science Behind Our Need for Connection
Wondering why those moments can feel so awful? According to UCLA professor Matthew Lieberman, our brains are biologically wired for connection. When you experience social rejection — including boundary violations — your brain respond the same way they do to physical pain.
Emotional pain is physical pain.
Think about it: being ignored, left out, misunderstood, or having your lines crossed doesn’t just hurt emotionally; it hurts physically, too.
That’s partly why relationship trauma has such a negative impact on our overall health and well-being.
On the flip side, positive social interactions activate your brain’s reward centers, flooding you with feel-good chemicals like dopamine. Connection isn’t just a luxury, it’s as vital as food or water.
That’s why loneliness can feel so unbearable; it’s your brain’s way of alerting you that something essential is missing.
Loneliness is a hunger cue for connection.
But here’s the thing: while you’re wired for connection, fear often stands in the way. You fear rejection, judgment, or simply not knowing how to make things better. Right?
Here are Three Transformative Ways to Reconnect and Improve Connection
1. Mend the Rupture, from the Inside & Out
My Experience (sparing you the details): After my tense moment with my son, I felt a wave of shame and regret. In the past, I might have let that define my relationship for weeks. Instead, I turned to my signature framework: the HEART of Inner-Connection to guide me and I was able to repair the next morning:
H — Higher Guidance: I sought a sense of inner calm and connection to something greater than myself (for me, it’s God).
E — Embodiment: I focused on regulating my physical and emotional states through deep breathing and mindfulness.
A — Aspiration: I revisited my core values, like integrity and humility, to ground my next steps.
R — Relationship with Self: I practiced self-compassion, reminding myself that making mistakes is part of being human and being a parent on planet earth.
T — Trust: I trusted that our existing bond was strong enough to weather this rupture and I trusted I’d be okay even after I swallowed my pride.
Action Steps:
Apologize: Offer a genuine apology that owns your part.
Validate Feelings: Acknowledge the other person’s perspective so they feel heard.
Rebuild Trust: A calm, open conversation can pave the way for quicker repair and renewed connection.
Try This: Identify one relationship that could use some repair. Offer a sincere apology, express empathy, and actively listen to their response.
Pro Tip: Apologizing doesn’t mean you were necessarily in the wrong or that the other person was right. Apologizing is a value-based behavior — that means you value the relationship and so you choose to meet the need of the relationship.
2. Be Fully Present, without Distraction
Connection doesn’t happen on autopilot. Real connection requires showing up wholeheartedly and giving someone your undivided attention, no phone, no distractions.
Action Step: The next time you interact with someone, challenge yourself to focus completely on them for just five minutes. Notice how that changes the tone of the conversation.
Pro Tip: Real connection rarely happens over text message. Save yourself the heartache of continued frustration and disconnection, and talk in a live conversation where you can see each other’s faces.
3. Connect from the Inside -> Out
When you experience a relationship rupture, often the automatic reaction can be to point fingers and blame the other person. But that will never lead to repair. Whether you over-stepped or someone crossed a boundary with you, it’s important to pause an connect with yourself internally to determine what really happened for you.
Action Step: Spend a few moments tonight tuning in to what you value or need. You might consider journaling, meditation, or even a brief walk outside to help you get more connected internally.
Pro Tip: You know that you’re ready to repair when your body is calm, you know what you need, and you can think and speak clearly.
Embrace the Messiness of Real Relationships
Genuine connection isn’t about being perfect or always being nice or never hurting anyone’s feelings (impossible!); it’s about becoming more aware of yourself, your feelings, your needs and limitations, as well as those of others.
Each rupture is an opportunity for growth, every awkward moment a chance for deepening understanding, and every small step toward connection is a step toward healing.
The next time you feel disconnected — whether from someone else or from yourself — remember: it’s never too late to repair, reconnect, and restore.
Stay Connected and Transform Your Relationships
If you found these insights valuable and want to continue building deeper connections, twice a month, I share stories, insights, and practical steps in my free newsletter to help you create more meaningful relationships with yourself and others.
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