Do you feel lonely in the wake of the loss of a significant relationship or job? Or perhaps as a result of an accident or injury? When combined, trauma and loneliness amplify each other, making it all the more difficult to heal emotionally and return to psychological and physical well-being. Nearly 30 years ago, my dad Harry died at the age of 45 from a heart attack. The autopsy revealed scar tissue on his heart, evidence that he most certainly experienced multiple heart attacks prior to the final blow; heart attacks that he likely kept to himself or brushed off as indigestion as he took another shot of Maalox. My dad was incredibly social and connected. He was a middle child among seven other siblings, a small business owner, and beloved in his community. Harry was one of the most outgoing, helpful, and gregarious people anyone could know. Harry was the kind of person that would help anyone with anything, whether it was repairing an engine, restoring an old mahogany Chris-Craft boat, building a new garage, or helping with a school project. If you needed it, he would figure out a way to make it happen. Anyone could count on him for help and for a beer. He wasn’t a fan of doctors. If you sliced open your finger, he’d probably suggest putting some Watkins Salve on it, have a swig of beer – you’ll be fine. To the untrained eye, no one would have ever classified my dad as lonely. The untrained eye wouldn’t see his chain smoking as a coping mechanism for unresolved childhood trauma. The untrained eye wouldn’t see his nearly continuous consumption of beer and vodka as desperate attempts to disconnect from decades of suppressed emotional pain. He spent 45 years of his one, precious life not in social isolation but in emotional isolation fueled by childhood trauma and maintained by chemical addiction. It wasn’t his fault. Although his methods weren’t always healthy and were sometimes downright harmful, I believe he was genuinely doing the best he could with the few tools he had to try and create a better life for himself and his family. Loneliness and trauma are different experiences, both incredibly nuanced, but come with similar negative health effects that are compounded when combined. Harry's life fulfilled the statistical promises of trauma and loneliness: heart disease, chemical addiction, obesity, poor self-care, lack of emotional intimacy, and, of course, premature death. Trauma and loneliness can both can accompany a fundamental belief that, “I’m not okay,” and “The world is not okay.” These intertwined experiences can actually make it more difficult to get the social-emotional support you really need to heal, digging you deeper into a hole of emotional isolation. You can check out some of the research here. Harry's story is a poignant reminder that beneath the surface of outward sociability, many people grapple with deep emotional pain. His journey underscores the critical importance of addressing trauma and loneliness, not just for ourselves, but for those around us. If you find yourself struggling with similar feelings of isolation or unresolved trauma, know that seeking help is a sign of strength, not weakness. Reach out to trusted friends, family members, or professionals who can provide the support and understanding you need. Engaging in open conversations about mental health can help break down the barriers of stigma and isolation that many people face. For those who see someone they care about exhibiting signs of emotional distress, take the time to offer a listening ear and compassionate support. Sometimes, the simple act of being present for someone, without judgment, can make a world of difference. Despite his early death, Harry's legacy is a testament to the power of resilience and the human spirit's capacity to seek connection even through pain. May his story inspire you to look beyond the surface, to offer empathy and support to those who may be struggling, and to prioritize your own emotional well-being. It takes great courage to choose the path of healing. In the end, the path to healing is a solitary choice but not a solitary journey. It is one we can walk together, finding hope and okayness amidst the chaos of the world. By embracing connection and actively working towards healing, we can honor the memory of those like Harry and create a more compassionate and understanding world for all. Let’s work together to create the meaningful peace, purpose, and connection you want and deserve.   Pin this post to read it later Want more support like this?  Join my free newsletter, Points of Connection , and get stories, insights, and practical strategies sent straight to your inbox every Tuesday.  Click here to receive your weekly letter and join a growing community! Disclaimer: This blog is intended for informational and inspirational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional mental health care, diagnosis, or treatment. Reading this does not create a therapeutic relationship with Sherri M. Herman. If you are struggling with your mental health, please reach out to a licensed therapist or medical provider in your area.

Last Saturday night, I stood beneath a crisp Minnesota sky, eyes scanning the darkness for something truly rare: a planetary alignment that won’t happen again for another 15 years. If the horizon were perfectly clear, we could have seen seven planets in the evening sky. Did we see all seven? Not quite.  But even catching just a few, along with the crescent moon, was a breathtaking site through a magnified lens. At Staring Lake Observatory  in Eden Prairie, our astronomy guide spoke about the orbits of planets, the precise way they move through space, and the intricate patterns  woven throughout our universe. As I listened, I couldn’t help but notice the deeper truth in what he was saying: Nature loves on patterns. From the gravitational pull keeping planets in motion to the way seasons cycle through renewal and decay, patterns are everywhere. And not just in the cosmos—in our lives, too. Some patterns serve us. Others? Not so much. Recognizing the Patterns We Live By It made me think about the patterns I unconsciously follow. The habits I don’t question, the automatic ways I respond to stress, boredom, or discomfort. Some of them are good. Some of them are comfortable. And some of them keep me disconnected and make me feel lonely. We all have these patterns, whether we realize it or not. Some were formed in childhood. Some were survival strategies. Some just built up over time, slipping into our daily routines unnoticed, like toxic chemicals. And here’s the thing about some of our long-held patterns: they don’t want to be changed. They will fight to survive. That’s why Lent—or any season of intentional letting go—can be so powerful. It asks us to pause and consider: What am I doing on autopilot that might not be serving me? What have I been clinging to that’s actually keeping me stuck? What am I using to distract myself from deeper discomfort? Lent isn’t just about giving something up—it’s about connecting with what matters most. It’s about getting closer to your Higher Guidance and hearing the whispers of your soul and heart. The distractions we remove aren’t just things taking up space—they’re the noise that drowns out the deeper wisdom within us. The Power of Breaking Patterns For the next several weeks, I’m embracing a Season of Renewal, focusing on breaking patterns that keep me from being fully present and, more importantly, leaning into what truly matters. This includes: A modified fast, adjusting my diet in a way that helps me feel more mindful and intentional A digital detox, stepping back from distractions that pull me away from real connection (internally and externally) Not as an obligation. Not because I "should." But because I want to see what happens when I remove the noise. What will I notice? What will rise to the surface? What parts of me have been buried beneath habit and distraction? I don’t expect it to be easy. In fact, I expect there will be moments where I reach for my phone or crave something comforting. But I also know that resisting the pull of old patterns is how we reclaim our awareness. What About You? You don’t have to do a full fast. You don’t even have to call it Lent. But if something in you is nudging, saying, “Maybe it’s time to shake things up,” listen to that voice. What’s one thing you could remove from your life, even temporarily for just 40 days, to see what it reveals? It could be: The habit of constantly checking your phone The extra cup of coffee you’ve been relying on for energy The nightly Netflix binge that numbs instead of relaxes The self-critical thoughts you allow to run on repeat The way you say yes when you really mean no The goal isn’t deprivation. The goal is awareness . Patterns, like planetary orbits, will keep repeating unless something shifts. Maybe this season is an invitation to create that shift. To make space. To step into something new. I’d love to hear from you. What’s one pattern you’ve noticed in your own life that you’d like to release—or one you’d like to cultivate? Connect with me. Want more support like this?  Join my free newsletter, Points of Connection , and get stories, insights, and practical strategies sent straight to your inbox every Tuesday.  Click here to receive your weekly letter and join a growing community! Disclaimer: This blog is intended for informational and inspirational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional mental health care, diagnosis, or treatment. Reading this does not create a therapeutic relationship with Sherri M. Herman. If you are struggling with your mental health, please reach out to a licensed therapist or medical provider in your area.

Ever have one of those parenting (or relationship) moments you wish you could erase and start over? I had one recently. My child, on the brink of adolescence, was pushing boundaries, and I wasn’t in the best headspace. My frustrations about various things piled up and I eventually reacted in a way that left both of us feeling tense and disconnected. It happens to all of us. Relationships — whether with our kids, partners, or ourselves — are inherently messy and experience ruptures from time to time. Relationship ruptures are normal and are bound to occur. What truly matters is how we choose to repair and reconnect . Left unchecked, that disconnection can quickly turn into loneliness . The Science Behind Our Need for Connection Wondering why those moments can feel so awful? According to UCLA professor Matthew Lieberman , our brains are biologically wired for connection. When you experience social rejection — including boundary violations — your brain respond the same way they do to physical pain. Emotional pain is physical pain. Think about it: being ignored, left out, misunderstood, or having your lines crossed doesn’t just hurt emotionally; it hurts physically , too. That’s partly why relationship trauma has such a negative impact on our overall health and well-being. On the flip side, positive social interactions activate your brain’s reward centers, flooding you with feel-good chemicals like dopamine. Connection isn’t just a luxury, it’s as vital as food or water. That’s why loneliness can feel so unbearable; it’s your brain’s way of alerting you that something essential is missing. Loneliness is a hunger cue for connection. But here’s the thing: while you’re wired for connection, fear often stands in the way. You fear rejection, judgment, or simply not knowing how to make things better. Right? Here are Three Transformative Ways to Reconnect and Improve Connection 1. Mend the Rupture, from the Inside & Out My Experience (sparing you the details): After my tense moment with my son, I felt a wave of shame and regret. In the past, I might have let that define my relationship for weeks. Instead, I turned to my signature framework: the HEART of Inner-Connection to guide me and I was able to repair the next morning: H — Higher Guidance: I sought a sense of inner calm and connection to something greater than myself (for me, it’s God). E — Embodiment: I focused on regulating my physical and emotional states through deep breathing and mindfulness. A — Aspiration: I revisited my core values, like integrity and humility, to ground my next steps. R — Relationship with Self: I practiced self-compassion, reminding myself that making mistakes is part of being human and being a parent on planet earth. T — Trust: I trusted that our existing bond was strong enough to weather this rupture and I trusted I’d be okay even after I swallowed my pride. Action Steps: Apologize: Offer a genuine apology that owns your part. Validate Feelings: Acknowledge the other person’s perspective so they feel heard. Rebuild Trust: A calm, open conversation can pave the way for quicker repair and renewed connection. Try This: Identify one relationship that could use some repair. Offer a sincere apology, express empathy, and actively listen to their response. Pro Tip: Apologizing doesn’t mean you were necessarily in the wrong or that the other person was right. Apologizing is a value-based behavior — that means you value the relationship and so you choose to meet the need of the relationship. 2. Be Fully Present, without Distraction Connection doesn’t happen on autopilot. Real connection requires showing up wholeheartedly and giving someone your undivided attention, no phone, no distractions. Action Step: The next time you interact with someone, challenge yourself to focus completely on them for just five minutes. Notice how that changes the tone of the conversation. Pro Tip: Real connection rarely happens over text message. Save yourself the heartache of continued frustration and disconnection, and talk in a live conversation where you can see each other’s faces. 3. Connect from the Inside -> Out When you experience a relationship rupture, often the automatic reaction can be to point fingers and blame the other person. But that will never lead to repair. Whether you over-stepped or someone crossed a boundary with you, it’s important to pause an connect with yourself internally to determine what really happened for you. Action Step: Spend a few moments tonight tuning in to what you value or need. You might consider journaling, meditation, or even a brief walk outside to help you get more connected internally. Pro Tip: You know that you’re ready to repair when your body is calm, you know what you need, and you can think and speak clearly. Embrace the Messiness of Real Relationships Genuine connection isn’t about being perfect or always being nice or never hurting anyone’s feelings (impossible!); it’s about becoming more aware of yourself, your feelings, your needs and limitations, as well as those of others. Each rupture is an opportunity for growth, every awkward moment a chance for deepening understanding, and every small step toward connection is a step toward healing. The next time you feel disconnected — whether from someone else or from yourself — remember: it’s never too late to repair, reconnect, and restore. Let me know how it goes. Connect with me. Want more support like this?  Join my free newsletter, Points of Connection , and get stories, insights, and practical strategies sent straight to your inbox every Tuesday.  Click here to receive your weekly letter and join a growing community! Disclaimer: This blog is intended for informational and inspirational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional mental health care, diagnosis, or treatment. Reading this does not create a therapeutic relationship with Sherri M. Herman. If you are struggling with your mental health, please reach out to a licensed therapist or medical provider in your area.

If you’re dreading Valentine’s Day because it feels like a spotlight on what’s missing in your life, you’re not alone. I used to feel the same way—until one year, I did something unexpected. And it made a surprising difference. The Moment I Realized a Needed a Valentine... from Myself It was February of 2017, and I found myself sitting on my couch, alone yet again, feeling sad and sorry for myself. I was thinking about Valentine’s Day coming up and felt down that I didn’t have a romantic partner to celebrate with. In that state of mind and heart, it seemed like everyone  but me was in a happy relationship or ideal circumstances (delusional, I know). But that’s where I was. I spent more than a few days wallowing in my sadness and loneliness, and then I got an idea: I decided to send myself the loveliest Valentine’s card and love letter I had ever received. Yep, I was going to send a card to myself. It Felt Silly—But Also Kind of...Right At first, it felt ridiculous. Who does that?  But I didn’t care, and no one else needed to know. Plus, deep down, I knew I needed it. I needed to hear the words I longed for someone else to say to me. I needed to feel special, even if no one else was stepping up to the plate. So I hunted down the perfect card, took it home, and wrote the most heartfelt message I could muster— everything I had ever hoped to hear from another person. I sealed it, addressed it to myself, and popped it in the mailbox. When the Card Arrived, Something Surprised Me A few days later, when it arrived, it felt surprisingly... good. It wasn’t the same as having someone else affirm those things for me, but it didn’t feel fake or flat either. In fact, it felt like a lifeline. The words felt true. It was a small but powerful reminder that  the love and validation I am waiting for can come from within me. Stop Waiting for Someone Else to See You I didn’t know it at the time, but that little Valentine’s card was the start of something bigger. It taught me that while it’s wonderful to receive love and affirmation from others, there’s something even more important: learning to give it to yourself.  Just because the words were coming from me  didn’t make them any less true. Are You Stuck in the Waiting Game? How often do you spend your life waiting? Waiting for a partner to say the right thing. Waiting for a friend to really notice how much you’re struggling. Waiting for someone, anyone , to validate your worth or make you feel special. And when it doesn’t happen, you feel unseen and unimportant. You withdraw even further from your relationships, bitterness and resentment creeping in. And when it does  happen, you just end up deflecting it! Ugh.  It’s a vicious cycle that leaves you lonelier and lonelier. What If You Stopped Waiting? What if you stopped trying to get something that others aren’t willing or capable of giving? What if you gave yourself the love and care you’re so desperate for? I’m not saying this replaces the need for connection with others (let’s be real—we are social mammals, and we do  need real connection from people). However... When you’re emotionally available to yourself: You show others how to love you. You live more from a place of abundance than lack. You show up in your relationships with contentment and trust  because you know  you’re going to be okay. You know  you are already loved. And here’s the thing: it’s way easier to attract meaningful connections when you treat yourself with the same love and respect you desire from others. Your Relationships Mirror the One You Have With Yourself Let me put that another way: The types of relationships you attract mirror the relationship you have with yourself. If you’re feeling unseen this Valentine’s Day—or any day—consider this your nudge to show yourself some love. Below are a few ideas to get you started. 4 Ways to Practice Self-Love 1. Send Yourself a Valentine Yep, I’m serious. Head to the store (or your fav stationary website), find a card that speaks to you, and write yourself the kind of message you’d love to hear. Don’t hold back —this is your moment to celebrate all the things that make you amazing. Seal it, stamp it, and send it. When it arrives, take a moment to really soak it in. 2. Create a “Love Me List” Every night for the rest of February, write down one thing you appreciate about yourself. It doesn’t have to be groundbreaking. Maybe you handled a tough work conversation with grace or made it through a chaotic morning without losing your mind. By the end of the month, you’ll have 28 reasons why you’re worth celebrating—and a much clearer sense of your own value. 3. Say “No” Without Guilt Self-love means protecting your energy. This month, practice saying no to one thing that doesn’t align with your needs or values. It could be an event you’re not excited about or a task you don’t have capacity for. Saying no creates space for what matters most—and reminds you that your time limited and precious. 4. Reach Out to Someone Else Loneliness shrinks when we take small steps toward connection. Think of someone in your life who might need a little love—a friend, a coworker, even your neighbor. Send them a quick text, drop off a small gift, or (if you’re feeling bold) mail them a Valentine. Send them a message that would make their heart happy. Giving love is one of the fastest ways to feel it. This Valentine’s Day… I hope you’ll do something different. Instead of focusing on what’s missing or waiting for someone else to make you feel special, take the lead. Write yourself the love letter you deserve. Celebrate the little things that make you, you . Remind yourself that you are worthy of love, connection, and kindness—just as you are. Let me know how it goes for you. Connect with me.   Want more support like this?  Join my free newsletter, Points of Connection , and get stories, insights, and practical strategies sent straight to your inbox every Tuesday.  Click here to receive your weekly letter and join a growing community! Disclaimer: This blog is intended for informational and inspirational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional mental health care, diagnosis, or treatment. Reading this does not create a therapeutic relationship with Sherri M. Herman. If you are struggling with your mental health, please reach out to a licensed therapist or medical provider in your area.

Have you ever caught yourself in an unhelpful pattern but just don't know how to break it? Truly, most of us don’t even notice we’re doing it. We just feel the urge, act on it, and move on until that urge comes again. Usually it isn't until after several painful run-ins that we finally stop to think, "What is going on here?" That’s why fasting, whether from certain foods, technology, or other ingrained habits, can be such a powerful spiritual and self-awareness practice . It’s not just about deprivation and sacrifice. It’s about breaking the pattern  long enough to actually notice what’s underneath. Because here’s the truth: Most of the time, those urges aren’t random. They’re rising up from something deeper within you that's begging for your attention. And when we pause instead of automatically reacting, we give ourselves the chance to see what’s really going on. Why Fasting (From Anything) Works Fasting isn’t just about giving something up —it’s about creating space  to notice what’s been there all along. Whether it’s food, social media, caffeine, or even negative self-talk, the real power isn’t in the thing you’re removing. The power is in the pause —that moment where you normally would have reached for your phone or grabbed a snack, but instead, you stop . That pause? That’s where connection happens. That's intimacy. It’s where you meet yourself. It’s where you hear the emotions that have been trying to get your attention. It's where you hear the voice of intuition (or God or the Universe) that's been speaking to you all along. It’s where you notice how often you distract yourself instead of truly listening to what you need. How to Start—Without Overcomplicating It You don’t have to do anything extreme to experience the benefits of fasting. The best way to start is by choosing one small pattern to disrupt —just enough to notice the shift. Here are a few easy ways to begin: 1. Start With Awareness Before changing anything, spend one day simply noticing  your patterns. When do you instinctively grab your phone? When do you snack even if you’re not hungry? When do you check email for no real reason? Just watch. No judgment. Just awareness. 2. Pick One Small Disruption Instead of trying to overhaul your entire routine, pick one habit  to shift: Social Media Detox:  No phone for the first 30 minutes of the day. Mindful Eating:  No snacks between meals—when the urge comes, pause and notice. Screen-Free Nights:  No screens after 8 p.m. (or set your own boundary). It doesn’t have to be dramatic. The goal is not perfection— it’s presence. 3. When the Urge Hits, Pause This is the most important part. When you feel the pull to reach for your usual habit—don’t. Pause. Take a deep breath. Ask yourself: What am I feeling right now? What do I actually need? What’s underneath this urge? You don’t have to force an answer. Just sit with it. The insight comes with time. 4. Don’t Replace One Addiction With Another This is a sneaky one and is the number one mistake most people make. We often fast from something, only to replace it with another distraction. Giving up cookies but eating extra pasta. Cutting down on phone time but binging TV instead. Reducing social media but checking email every five minutes. That’s just trading one unconscious habit for another . Instead, let the space remain empty for a moment.  Let yourself feel what comes up. 5. Meet Yourself With Compassion This isn’t about willpower or deprivation. It’s about gentle awareness. When (not if) you slip, don’t punish yourself. Just notice. Learn from it. Approach yourself with curiosity, not criticism. Stay connected with the urge and be curious about the underlying need while you're doing the thing. Stay connected. The goal isn’t to “get it right.” The goal is to see yourself more clearly and reconnect with what truly matters. Fasting, whether from food, technology, or other habits, should be done with self-awareness and care . If you have a history of disordered eating, anxiety, or any mental health condition that could make fasting harmful, consider modifying the practice  to fit your well-being. The goal isn’t deprivation or self-punishment—it’s awareness and connection.  Always prioritize your mental and physical health in any practice of letting go. What You Gain When You Break the Pattern Every time you pause instead of reacting, you’re literally rewiring your brain. You’re breaking the automatic loop. You’re creating space for new neural connections. You’re learning how to sit with discomfort instead of numbing it. You’re getting closer to yourself, your emotions, and your higher guidance. That’s why fasting, from anything , can be a spiritual practice. Fasting isn't just about giving something up. It’s about returning to yourself . And that kind of awareness? That kind of connection? That changes everything. What’s one small pattern you could disrupt this week? Try it, see what happens, and let me know how it goes! Want more support like this?  Join my free newsletter, Points of Connection , and get stories, insights, and practical strategies sent straight to your inbox every Tuesday.  Click here to receive your weekly letter and join a growing community! Disclaimer: This blog is intended for informational and inspirational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional mental health care, diagnosis, or treatment. Reading this does not create a therapeutic relationship with Sherri M. Herman. If you are struggling with your mental health, please reach out to a licensed therapist or medical provider in your area.

Have you ever said yes when every part of you wanted to say no? Have you ever stayed quiet to keep the peace, even though your heart was screaming? Have you ever bent over backward for someone—only to feel invisible, exhausted, or even resentful afterward? You’re not alone. I used to live there. People-pleasing was my default. I said yes to everyone, tried to meet everyone’s needs, and avoided conflict like it was fire. I was terrified of disappointing people. The idea that someone might be upset with me felt unbearable. And for a long time, I told myself I was just being “kind,” “thoughtful,” or “nice.” But the truth? I was terrified of what would happen if I didn’t make everyone around me feel okay. Where People-Pleasing Really Begins None of us become people-pleasers by accident. It’s not a character flaw or a quirky trait, it’s often a survival strategy learned early in life. Research in developmental psychology tells us that children adapt to their caregivers’ emotional availability (or lack thereof) in order to feel safe and secure. If a parent or caregiver was emotionally unpredictable, reactive, or unable to regulate their feelings, we may have learned: If I keep them calm, I’ll be safe. If I keep them happy, I’ll be okay. This pattern, known in attachment theory as anxious attachment , wires us to focus on others’ needs as a way to feel stable in the world. We become hyper-attuned to others’ moods and discomfort—often at the cost of our own. We begin managing their  emotions, and over time, we lose touch with our own and become disconnected from ourselves. The Cost of Chronic People-Pleasing While people-pleasing can make relationships seem smoother on the surface, it comes at a steep internal cost. Resentment builds. Burnout creeps in. Authenticity disappears. Loneliness grows. Yes— loneliness.  Because the more we abandon ourselves to make others comfortable, the more disconnected we feel from our own needs, feelings, and values. We show up in relationships, but we’re not fully in  them. We’re performing, managing, accommodating. That’s not connection. That’s survival. And eventually, our body will tell us. Stress-related health issues, anxiety, sleep disruption, digestive problems, or chronic fatigue can all be tied to the ongoing pressure of suppressing our truth. (The research connecting repressed emotions with health outcomes is growing—see Dr. Gabor Maté’s work on the mind-body connection.) So what do we do? The Game-Changer: Four Small Words One phrase changed everything for me: “I’m not willing to.” It sounds simple, but it’s revolutionary. It signals a shift from self-abandonment to self-respect. Instead of saying yes because you’re afraid to say no, you say: “I’m not willing to.” Instead of cushioning your truth with over-explaining or apologizing, you say: “I’m not willing to.” Instead of making someone else’s comfort your responsibility, you say: “I’m not willing to.” Why does this phrase matter so much? Because it centers your agency , not your excuses.It affirms your limits , without blaming others.It reinforces that your well-being matters , just as much as anyone else’s. Why It Works (Psychologically Speaking) This shift lines up with what Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) teaches us: the importance of values-based living. In ACT, we learn to acknowledge uncomfortable emotions without letting them steer the ship. We act from what we care about, not from what we’re afraid of. Saying “I’m not willing to” is an act of inner-connection . You are listening to your own feelings. You are identifying your boundary. You are taking responsibility for your life. And you are trusting that others can handle their reactions. It’s not always easy. I still catch myself backsliding. But over time, saying these words, especially in small, low-stakes moments, has helped me build a relationship with myself that feels more authentic. Start Small. Start Now. Here’s your gentle challenge:Pick one small thing this week that you aren’t willing to do —and say so. It might be as simple as: “I’m not willing to take that on right now.” “I’m not willing to stay late today.” “I’m not willing to skip lunch again.” Notice how it feels. It may be uncomfortable at first. That’s okay. Growth usually is. But also notice what opens up inside you when you speak from that place of truth. You might feel lighter. Stronger. A little more like you . That’s connection. And it starts from within. I’m cheering you on. Want more support like this?  Join my free newsletter, Points of Connection , and get stories, insights, and practical strategies sent straight to your inbox every Tuesday.  Click here to receive your weekly letter and join a growing community! Disclaimer: This blog is intended for informational and inspirational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional mental health care, diagnosis, or treatment. Reading this does not create a therapeutic relationship with Sherri M. Herman. If you are struggling with your mental health, please reach out to a licensed therapist or medical provider in your area.

Do you ever get tired of over-thinking and the tension it creates? Or have you experienced other people getting down on you for over-thinking or over-analyzing? Let's be honest. People usually mean well when they try to tell you, "don't over think it!" but that command rarely helps anyone. If it were just that easy, you wouldn't be searching up 'how to manage anxiety'! That's because most people don't really understand anxiety. I'm here to tell you why I don't really believe in over-thinking and how you can respond to your anxiety in a more helpful way that actually leads to improvement, not just more shame about it. Let's reframe what anxiety really is. Here’s the truth about anxiety: It’s not bad.  If you experience anxiety, you're not broken. It’s your mind and body trying to help you. Anxiety is a natural, adaptive response. It’s your brain looking ahead and scanning for danger—trying to keep you safe.  But in today’s world with endless news cycles, pinging devices, and simply too much information—the mind and nervous system gets overloaded. And when your mind gets bombarded with lots of seemingly threatening, confusing, or overwhelming messages, the body starts sending out more alarms than necessary. Especially if there's past trauma.  The body and mind are simply responding to the environmental cues to try and prevent future pain. Anxiety is unspoken fear. It’s un-named fear. It’s your imagination doing its job: looking ahead, picturing what could go wrong, and trying to prepare you for it. This part of your mind is actually brilliant and what makes you uniquely human. But it gets a little overzealous sometimes. If you’ve ever been through something scary, unpredictable, or overwhelming, like a parent yelling, the loss of a job or home, not making rent, a sudden loss of a loved one, a car accident, or growing up in a household where you never quite knew what version of someone you were going to get, then of course your mind would scan for danger now.  There would be something wrong if it didn’t. Anxiety isn't something to pathologize (don't get me started on diagnoses...) Anxiety is something to understand .  The mind adapts. It learns from lived experience, imagined threats, even what you’ve watched in a movie or on the news. Your nervous system doesn’t know the difference between what's real, what's imagined, and what's on the screen.  If an experience felt threatening, your body logged it as real. Let that sink in for a moment. And sometimes, your brain reacts to things like social rejection the same way it would to physical danger (because humans are social mammals and we need supportive relationships to survive and thrive). That’s why social anxiety can feel so big and paralyzing; it's why anxiety can lead to depression, isolation, loneliness, and even suicidal thoughts. Especially when people don’t feel safe or seen. Here’s what I want you to really know: Anxiety doesn't mean there's something wrong with you. It means your mind adapted to perceived threats. And perhaps those threats are no longer relevant or present (or maybe they are!). When you understand what it’s doing, you can stop fighting it (or blaming or shaming yourself), and start responding to it in a more helpful way.  Click to download this image for your phone or tablet wallpaper! Here are a few ways to respond to anxiety with care: Name the fear—put it into words Check the facts (is this actually happening?) Respond to yourself with acceptance and nurturing care. Take action to mitigate an actual threat Go for a 5-10 min walk Long-term: Minimize consumption of processed foods and substances Reach out for support if you need help managing anxiety. You’re not weak for feeling anxious. You’re human. And your system is amazingly wise and adaptive. Want more support like this?  Join my free newsletter, Points of Connection , and get stories, insights, and practical strategies sent straight to your inbox every Tuesday.  Click here to receive your weekly letter and join a growing community! Disclaimer: This blog is intended for informational and inspirational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional mental health care, diagnosis, or treatment. Reading this does not create a therapeutic relationship with Sherri M. Herman. If you are struggling with your mental health, please reach out to a licensed therapist or medical provider in your area.

Have you ever walked into a space—your church, workplace, or even your own home—and felt like no one really sees you? You smile, you engage, you show up. But still, something inside feels disconnected. Like you’re doing all the right things… and yet, when you leave there’s still this ache or longing. You didn't really get filled up.  Sometimes the loneliness we feel isn’t about a lack of people—it’s about a lack of deeper connection. With ourselves. With others. With something greater. Spiritual practice can happen anywhere—but that doesn’t mean we don’t need support. Lately, I’ve felt a pull to strengthen and reinforce my Zen Buddhist practice. Not because anything is “wrong,” but because I’m ready to deepen. I want spiritual guidance that stretches me, grounds me, and strengthens my practice so I can become a little less reliant on the uncontrollable circumstances of life.  I’m grateful for my church community and all the places in my life where spiritual conversations happen—but I also know I need more. Spiritual practice isn’t limited to a cushion or a sanctuary. Your grocery store can be a sacred space. So can your car. So can waiting in line at the DMV (especially while waiting in line at the DMV!). Spiritual practice is available to us in every moment. It’s that quiet pause in the car before school pickup.It ’s the breath you take before snapping at your kids or your partner. It ’s the decision to speak compassionately to yourself when everything feels like too much. It's the choice to seek to understand someone who thinks very differently from you.  Every moment is a Dharma gate. A chance to return to presence instead of adding to the chaos. But we still need each other. Yes, we can practice anywhere. But that doesn’t mean we’re meant to practice alone. We need spaces where we feel safe enough to grow. We need people who care about us and who listen.  We need to be supported—not just spiritually, but emotionally, relationally, and practically. Because when no one sees the weight you’re carrying, it gets heavier. And the longer you carry it alone, the harder it gets to even ask for help. You simply adapt and find a sort of comfort in the familiarity of suffering.  It doesn't need to be that way.  Loneliness and anxiety go hand in hand. When we feel disconnected for too long, our bodies go into overdrive. The nervous system stays on alert. Sleep gets harder. The mind starts spinning. We shut down. And even though we long for connection, we start believing we don’t have time for it. Or that we don't deserve it... that it won’t help... that we’re too far gone... that nobody really cares.  Loneliness fuels anxiety, and anxiety will keep you lonely.  Click to download this image for your phone or tablet wallpaper! Take a breath and ask yourself: Where do I feel spiritually grounded right now? Where might I need more support, structure, or guidance? You don’t have to do this alone. There is a way to reconnect with yourself—and others. There is a way to move through the loneliness and anxiety toward calm and peace. And maybe, for now, the only thing you need to do… is notice that. Notice what’s calling you back to yourself. Want more support like this?  Join my free newsletter, Points of Connection , and get stories, insights, and practical strategies sent straight to your inbox every Tuesday.  Click here to receive your weekly letter and join a growing community! Disclaimer: This blog is intended for informational and inspirational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional mental health care, diagnosis, or treatment. Reading this does not create a therapeutic relationship with Sherri M. Herman. If you are struggling with your mental health, please reach out to a licensed therapist or medical provider in your area.

Have you ever wondered if it’s possible to experience the powerful benefits of mindfulness without ever meditating? Mindfulness Without Meditation? Yes. Ellen Langer is a Harvard psychologist who has been studying mindfulness for 50 years and I have been loving her latest book, The Mindful Body: Thinking Our Way to Chronic Health. What’s interesting is that her approach doesn’t include meditation at all (very different from my 10 years of Zen Buddhist training!). She teaches mindfulness without meditation. Yes, you can be more mindful without a formal practice of meditation or yoga. It simply takes the intention to do so. Her approach to mindfulness is about moment-to-moment awareness—being present, being curious, and questioning your assumptions as you move through daily life. The Power of Mind-Body Unity One of the core ideas she teaches is “mind-body unity.” Not mind-body connection— unity . She doesn’t see the mind and body as two separate systems influencing each other. They are one; a truth that can be found in many spiritual traditions around the world and one that became clear to me when began my mindfulness practices many years ago. What affects the mind affects the body because there is no real separation. This is part of why the mind has such a powerful role in shaping our health, function, and experience of life. It’s not just positive thinking—it’s a physiological reality. Events Are Neutral—Interpretation Is Everything Another key point in her work is the idea events themselves are inherently neutral and are neither good nor bad. It’s our interpretation, our values, and our conditioning that give an event its meaning. This means that how we think about something—how we perceive it—determines how we feel about it. And that perception is always available to be re-examined, and that is what Ellen encourages. We’re not stuck with our initial response. In other words, you can change how you feel by changing how you think. It’s not about pretending something didn’t happen—it’s about seeing it differently, with more possibility, nuance, and agency. This is ultimately empowering and can free you from feeling stuck. Challenging Assumptions, Changing Outcomes Ellen Langer seems to love asking, “Is that really true?” She lives to challenge commonly held assumptions because the research has pulled back the curtain on so many of them. Which, I myself find challenging because I'm such a know-it-all! But, her view invites my growth. Some of her research has included setting back clocks to explore our perception of time—putting people in an environment that reflects a younger time in their life and seeing the many seemingly miraculous effects that has on them physically and mentally. “Turning back the clock in the body” is her phrase. The Mind as a Healing Tool There is so much research that she explores in the book—it’s fascinating and even somewhat entertaining. I’ve long held the belief that we should utilize or capitalize on the placebo effect more often because it’s safe, accessible, and truly demonstrates the power of the mind to heal. Ellen Langer would effectively agree. It’s always a question of how to do it ethically. Let Your Mind Work for You The point is—your mind is so much more powerful at shaping your reality and your health than you might imagine. Ellen Langer’s book will show you why. I couldn't help but share this resource with so many of my clients as I've been reading it because it's so relevant to therapy work. And I wanted to share it with you too. I hope you pick it up and learn how you can think your way to chronic health. 👉 Click here to check out the book . If you give it a read, I’d love to hear what stands out to you. Download this wallpaper for your phone to give you a daily reminder! Click to download this image for your phone or tablet wallpaper! Want more support like this?  Join my free newsletter, Points of Connection , and get stories, insights, and practical strategies sent straight to your inbox every Tuesday.  Click here to receive your weekly letter and join a growing community! Disclaimer: This blog is intended for informational and inspirational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional mental health care, diagnosis, or treatment. Reading this does not create a therapeutic relationship with Sherri M. Herman. If you are struggling with your mental health, please reach out to a licensed therapist or medical provider in your area.

Have you ever held back what you wanted to say because you felt unqualified, too insignificant, or like your voice didn’t matter? Many times, I’m not sure that what I have to say is worth saying at all. Because so many other people in the world are saying so many things! There is so much noise—and I often struggle to see exactly where I fit in all of it. There are millions of people that are so much smarter and more well-educated than I am. Millions that have so much more wisdom than I have. My mind wonders sometimes why my voice matters at all. Do you ever wonder that too? Do you ever think, “Well, who am I to say anything? It doesn’t really matter!”? It’s a delusion to think that any one voice is more valuable than another. It’s a lie to think that someone with more education and credentials is more important. It’s a lie that your voice doesn’t matter. And somewhere along the way, somebody either intentionally or unintentionally conditioned your mind with that lie and you started to believe it. It ’s false to think that simply because someone is speaking up, their voice is more worthy of being heard than any other. Their voice isn’t more worthy or important—it’s simply being vocalized.The truth is, your voice matters because you matter just as much as anyone else, even if our modern, capitalist, and class-based society would lead you to believe otherwise. Your voice matters just as much as anyone else’s—and that goes for everyone's else too. But your voice won’t really matter to anyone if it doesn’t matter to you first. That’s the thing.Do you speak up about your feelings and opinions? Do you speak up when you disagree? Do you speak up when someone violates your boundaries? Some people are lucky enough to have people in their life that will really get them—however, even still, no one will ever be able to mind-read you. Maybe if you’ve had a highly attuned companion for 30+ years—but even then—mind reading isn’t a thing. They’re simply making calculated assumptions based on past experience. Nobody can read your mind (thank goodness!!). It’s a mistake to think that people should just know what you mean, what you want or need, your opinion, or to just know your intentions. Honestly, many people don’t even know themselves in this way, yet they still expect others to know. My friend, if you want to be known, you need to use your voice. First with yourself and then with others. If you want people to deeply know you, you need to be willing to deeply know yourself and be willing to deeply see and know others. This all probably seems obvious on paper (or screen), right? It seems so obvious when you read it. But I’m telling you—many people really struggle with this. And I have no doubt that you do too, to some extent. What are you holding back? What is the thing that you’re not saying? Who is the person in your life that you’re hiding from? What are you screaming on the inside but not saying on the outside? And who do you need to say it to? Is it yourself? Your partner? A parent, friend, boss, or employee? It’s not worth staying silent. It eats away at you. It keeps you feeling small. Staying silent makes you feel lonely, anxious, and depressed. Because you’re basically putting tape over your mouth and keeping yourself isolated. You’re pushing yourself down. And that makes me wonder—who has previously pushed down your voice? Who made you feel small, insignificant, belittled, or even stupid because you simply spoke up? Who needed to have power over you so that they could feel powerful? Who tried to control you so that they could feel in control? Who made you feel bad and stupid because they may have been threatened by you? It’s not enough to say your voice matters. You need to live as if it matters. You need to live as if all voices matter. It’s not as easy as it seems when you’ve had years of experience being ignored or suppressing yourself. But you can start small. You already do it in so many ways. So keep going. Start with the thing that’s been eating at you and niggling in the back of your mind. Let go of the judgments (rather, let them be there but let them be in the background). Don't wait to speak up until there are no more judgments or criticisms coming from the inside—you’d be waiting forever. Click to download this image for your phone or tablet wallpaper! So, I ask you again— What is it that you’ve been shoving down and that you really need to say? Who do you need to say it to? If it helps, you can start by telling me. I’ll keep it confidential, I promise (I’m a therapist, remember—a human vault). Sometimes if you can share with just one other person or even a journal, that helps to pave the way. You realize you’re okay, you’re still here, and the sky didn’t fall. I’ll be waiting to hear from you ( click here to connect ). Want more support like this?  Join my free newsletter, Points of Connection , and get stories, insights, and practical strategies sent straight to your inbox every Tuesday.  Click here to receive your weekly letter and join a growing community! Disclaimer: This blog is intended for informational and inspirational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional mental health care, diagnosis, or treatment. Reading this does not create a therapeutic relationship with Sherri M. Herman. If you are struggling with your mental health, please reach out to a licensed therapist or medical provider in your area.

Several years ago, if I made one little mistake, like burning the pancakes, I’d say the absolute worst things to myself. Things I would never, ever say to anyone else. Can you relate? Oof. I cringe just thinking about it. Most of us talk to ourselves in ways that we would never dream of uttering to another person, especially our own child or best friend. Yet, we relentlessly speak to ourself in the harshest ways, thinking that it's going to improve our performance and somehow make us better. It doesn't. It actually makes things worse. And, being hard on yourself makes you feel more depressed, angry, and lonely. I'm going to show you exactly how to stop being so hard on yourself and how to create a kinder relationship with yourself. Because it doesn't just help you feel better, it actually helps you pursue your goals, have healthier relationships, and feel happier in your life. Notice how your mind talks to you when you make a mistake. How does your mind speak to you when you make a mistake? What are the words or phrases it says? I actually want you to grab a pen and paper and write it down. Write down the three most common phrases that your mind says to you when you make a mistake. I’ll give you a moment. [giving you a moment] Got it? Do you need more time? Okay, I’ll trust that you’ve identified a few words or phrases. Now. Who else does that voice sound like? The way you talk to yourself has been shaped by your environment. Think about it. You weren’t born with the words in your mind. You know why? Because you weren’t born with language. You literally did not come out of the womb talking (even if your mom said you did). You didn’t start talking at all for at least 2-4 years into your life. And you didn’t just magically begin speaking because you were born with a talent for words (even if you are talented with words). You started talking because the people around you were talking. And the words you spoke were a reflection of what you heard. This is how language and dialect is passed on. The words that you heard other people say to you, about you, or about themselves, or others, significantly shapes the way you talk to yourself internally. So let me ask you again. When you think of that voice in your mind that swoops in after you’ve made a mistake, who else does it sound like? Whose voice is it? And let me make it clear: we’re not here to blame anyone. We’re here to understand and increase awareness. That’s it. How you talk to yourself reflects how you actually think about yourself. Okay. Now that you know what your mind says to you when you make a mistake, I want you to answer this question: What does this make you think about yourself? For me, some of my most common thoughts were: “I’m an idiot.” “I’m worthless.” “I’m a failure.” What is it for you? What are the thoughts or beliefs about yourself that are underneath the way that your mind says to you when you make a mistake? Take a moment to write some of these down. For real. These exercises don’t work unless you actually do them. How you think influences how you feel. Now, how do these thoughts make you feel? When I say feel, I’m not talking about more thoughts or ideas about yourself. Don’t just tell me what you’re thinking. I mean, what are the emotions, the feeeeeeeelings, that you experience as a result of those thoughts. If you’re saying, “I don’t know Sherri! I don’t know what the heck I’m feeling!” It’s okay. You’re not alone. I know the mind is not always very good at identifying feelings. That’s the case for most of us. So it can be helpful to listen to your body when you’re trying to figure out what you’re actually feeling. I’m talking about feeling words, like: sad, scared, angry, shameful, surprised, lonely, happy, etc. Look back over the words and phrases you just wrote down in the previous exercise. Close your eyes and let those sink in. Now turn your attention inward towards your body. Notice the sensations in your body. Pause. Write down any feeling words that seem to resonate with you. Accept your feelings and respond to them with loving-kindness. Now. Imagine that someone you dearly love, and maybe who is a little more vulnerable than you, is feeling this same way. It could be your child, your pet, your niece or nephew, you get the idea. Get a picture of them in your head. Now, without trying to change their thoughts or feelings, what would you say or do with them if you wanted them to know that they’re not alone and they are loved exactly as they are. How would you show them tender, loving-kindness? What actions would you take? What words would you say? If you’re not sure, then imagine how a deeply loving figure would respond to them. How do you think God, Jesus, Buddha, Mother Teresa, or Thich Nhat Hanh would respond to them? Take a moment to imagine this in your mind. Then write down some ideas. Now I want you to picture doing this or saying these things to yourself. This is how you start being kinder to yourself. With enough practice and time, you absolutely can retrain the way you respond to yourself when you make a mistake. Okay, I hear you saying, “But Sherri, I can’t do this all the time. You can’t expect me to be Mother Teresa or Jesus for crying out loud. This is unreasonable.” I hear you. You’re absolutely right. I don’t expect you to be perfect at this. Because that wouldn’t be human or loving. I’m not perfect at it either. But, I want you to just practice. Practice as often as you can. Aim for progress not perfection. Slowly over time, the berating will get less and less. Less raking over the coals, and no more hell, fire and brimstone when you burn the pancakes or send the wrong email. You'll have more patience, feel more at ease, and feel more calm even when things don't go exactly as you intended, which helps you be the kind of person and mom you really want to be. And, bonus, you'll automatically begin to respond to your kids and people you love in the same way. Which, in turn, helps them have a more loving relationship with themselves. Cool, huh? Give it a try and let me know how it goes. To be notified when I publish a new article, hear about updates first, receive occasional freebies, and be privy to stories I may not share anywhere else, sign up by clicking the button below. Please forward this to a friend or share on social media. And remember, you are always loved no matter what. Pin this post to read it later Sherri M. Herman, MA, LPCC is a spiritual life coach, speaker, and psychotherapist who is known for being a compassionate guide has been helping others achieve their goals since 2010. Having been twice divorced herself, she loves helping women overcome the challenges and loneliness of divorce while balancing the needs of self-love, parenting, and life. She lives near Minneapolis, MN with her husband, son (aged 12 at the time of this publishing), dog (Spirit), cat (Daisy), and axolotl (Mochi). She loves movie and game nights with her family, hosting potlucks and bonfires, working out at the gym, and going camping with family-friends. Get Your Free 5-Day Email Series >> From Loneliness to Love I’m here to support you if you need. I can provide you with spiritual coaching regardless of where you are located. Click below to book a free call.

Have you struggled with trusting yourself after divorce? If so, you’d be normal. Society puts the forever-marriage on a pedestal. My maternal grandparents were married for 65 years when my grandfather passed away. They were together for a total of about 72 years. According to our culture, they won the marriage lottery. And maybe they did. But my friend, it’s time to stop comparing. Part of rebuilding your trust in yourself is trusting that you’re on the exact right path for your life. You were born in a different era and a different culture. You never were, and never have been, dependent on marriage for survival or love. It’s time to give up the assumption that you need to be married (and stay married) in order to be worthy of love, trustworthiness, and to be a good person. Honest people get divorced. It takes a hell of a lot of honesty, courage, integrity, and humility to admit that something isn’t working. Or maybe that you're being mistreated, or that you got married for the wrong reasons, that you’re living a lie, that you got married when you were living unconsciously, or that you hate what your life has become, etc. It doesn't matter. What matters is that you got honest with yourself and you took action. Some people stay in a miserable marriage for years just so they can fulfill an image of happiness and perfection, meanwhile, their soul is starving for true connection. That is an incredibly lonely life. And as you may already know, chronic loneliness can shave years off your life (nearly 30%) and drastically increase the risk factors of a myriad of health problems including dementia. Staying in an unworkable marriage to manage other peoples' perceptions of you and your life isn’t worth the cost. Good and trustworthy people don’t stay married. Whaa? Hold up - hear me out. I’m not saying that people who stay married aren’t trustworthy people (although sometimes they’re not). I’m saying that you don’t lose your trustworthiness or goodness as a person simply because you have divorced. On the contrary, if you are divorced, it means you honored yourself by asking for the divorce or you honored your former spouse by giving them the divorce that they wanted or needed to be a whole person. That is very trustworthy. Divorce is actually a very loving and trusting thing to do. Yes, I said it. Divorce is a loving thing to do because it relinquishes control. I think it was Gandhi who said that any attempt to control another is an act of violence (but I’m not able to confirm the source at this time). But I would add, that sentiment goes for your relationship with yourself. I’m saying, you can trust yourself even more because of where you are. You’ve gone through some seriously hard times and have made some seriously hard choices. And you’re still here. You’re obviously interested in your own growth as a person, otherwise you wouldn’t be reading this. That tells me that you can trust yourself to make wise decisions for your life. It’s not your fault. The family system you grew up in plays a significant role in how you experience relationships and view marriage. If getting married and staying married was highly valued, like it was in my family, then you are more likely to have married to get love, approval, and worthiness rather than marrying from that a place of love, approval, and worthiness. If you were raised in an environment where your feelings, wants, and needs were dismissed, shamed, or minimized, then you were unconsciously trained to dismiss or minimize them within yourself. This pattern will typically be re-created in your relationships because it lives within you. Like-attracts-like, so you were also highly likely to marry someone who embodies those similar emotional-behavioral patterns. Without intervention, these types of patterns are more likely to lead to a very unhappy marriage and/or divorce. Can you see how this isn’t your fault? You didn’t get to choose the system you were raised in (and neither did your caregivers). You didn’t get to choose who you were attracted to. You didn’t get to choose the emotional behavioral patterns that were “installed” in you as a child. We look in the rearview mirror for understanding not for blame or pointing fingers. We look back so we can see, learn, and then move forward differently. You get to decide now. Now that you know what you know, you get to decide what’s working for you and what’s not, meaning, what’s adding to your joy in life or what is stealing it. What's energizing and what's draining? You get to decide what you want to change or not. You get to decide what values matter most to you and to what extent you want those values to guide your life. You get to decide what kinds of relationships you want in your life, including the most important relationship in your life: the one with yourself. You are worthy of love and respect no matter what. The task of rebuilding trust in yourself after divorce is multifaceted. It involves embracing acceptance, understanding, and a willingness to see yourself, your relationships, and your life in a new light. The old light doesn’t work anymore. Self-compassion plays a pivotal role in this process. Rather than berating yourself for perceived past mistakes or perceived shortcomings, practice kindness and understanding towards yourself by recognizing that you are always learning and we are all doing life for the first time. There is no one, right and true way. Healing from divorce is not a linear process. There may always be some moments of doubt, loneliness, and fear. However, by trusting in yourself and your innate wisdom, you can navigate these challenges with grace, ease, and resilience. Remember that you are not alone on this journey. Seek support from trusted friends, family members, you Higher Guidance/Higher Power, and/or professionals who can offer guidance and encouragement along the way. If you'd like support, I'm here for you. To hear about updates first, receive occasional freebies, and be privy to stories I may not share anywhere else, sign up by clicking the button below. Please forward this to a friend or share on social media. And remember, you are always loved no matter what.