Have you ever said yes when every part of you wanted to say no? Have you ever stayed quiet to keep the peace, even though your heart was screaming? Have you ever bent over backward for someone—only to feel invisible, exhausted, or even resentful afterward? You’re not alone. I used to live there. People-pleasing was my default. I said yes to everyone, tried to meet everyone’s needs, and avoided conflict like it was fire. I was terrified of disappointing people. The idea that someone might be upset with me felt unbearable. And for a long time, I told myself I was just being “kind,” “thoughtful,” or “nice.” But the truth? I was terrified of what would happen if I didn’t make everyone around me feel okay. Where People-Pleasing Really Begins None of us become people-pleasers by accident. It’s not a character flaw or a quirky trait, it’s often a survival strategy learned early in life. Research in developmental psychology tells us that children adapt to their caregivers’ emotional availability (or lack thereof) in order to feel safe and secure. If a parent or caregiver was emotionally unpredictable, reactive, or unable to regulate their feelings, we may have learned: If I keep them calm, I’ll be safe. If I keep them happy, I’ll be okay. This pattern, known in attachment theory as anxious attachment , wires us to focus on others’ needs as a way to feel stable in the world. We become hyper-attuned to others’ moods and discomfort—often at the cost of our own. We begin managing their  emotions, and over time, we lose touch with our own and become disconnected from ourselves. The Cost of Chronic People-Pleasing While people-pleasing can make relationships seem smoother on the surface, it comes at a steep internal cost. Resentment builds. Burnout creeps in. Authenticity disappears. Loneliness grows. Yes— loneliness.  Because the more we abandon ourselves to make others comfortable, the more disconnected we feel from our own needs, feelings, and values. We show up in relationships, but we’re not fully in  them. We’re performing, managing, accommodating. That’s not connection. That’s survival. And eventually, our body will tell us. Stress-related health issues, anxiety, sleep disruption, digestive problems, or chronic fatigue can all be tied to the ongoing pressure of suppressing our truth. (The research connecting repressed emotions with health outcomes is growing—see Dr. Gabor Maté’s work on the mind-body connection.) So what do we do? The Game-Changer: Four Small Words One phrase changed everything for me: “I’m not willing to.” It sounds simple, but it’s revolutionary. It signals a shift from self-abandonment to self-respect. Instead of saying yes because you’re afraid to say no, you say: “I’m not willing to.” Instead of cushioning your truth with over-explaining or apologizing, you say: “I’m not willing to.” Instead of making someone else’s comfort your responsibility, you say: “I’m not willing to.” Why does this phrase matter so much? Because it centers your agency , not your excuses.It affirms your limits , without blaming others.It reinforces that your well-being matters , just as much as anyone else’s. Why It Works (Psychologically Speaking) This shift lines up with what Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) teaches us: the importance of values-based living. In ACT, we learn to acknowledge uncomfortable emotions without letting them steer the ship. We act from what we care about, not from what we’re afraid of. Saying “I’m not willing to” is an act of inner-connection . You are listening to your own feelings. You are identifying your boundary. You are taking responsibility for your life. And you are trusting that others can handle their reactions. It’s not always easy. I still catch myself backsliding. But over time, saying these words, especially in small, low-stakes moments, has helped me build a relationship with myself that feels more authentic. Start Small. Start Now. Here’s your gentle challenge:Pick one small thing this week that you aren’t willing to do —and say so. It might be as simple as: “I’m not willing to take that on right now.” “I’m not willing to stay late today.” “I’m not willing to skip lunch again.” Notice how it feels. It may be uncomfortable at first. That’s okay. Growth usually is. But also notice what opens up inside you when you speak from that place of truth. You might feel lighter. Stronger. A little more like you . That’s connection. And it starts from within. I’m cheering you on. Want more support like this?  Join my free newsletter, Points of Connection , and get stories, insights, and practical strategies sent straight to your inbox every Tuesday.  Click here to receive your weekly letter and join a growing community! Disclaimer: This blog is intended for informational and inspirational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional mental health care, diagnosis, or treatment. Reading this does not create a therapeutic relationship with Sherri M. Herman. If you are struggling with your mental health, please reach out to a licensed therapist or medical provider in your area.

Do you ever get tired of over-thinking and the tension it creates? Or have you experienced other people getting down on you for over-thinking or over-analyzing? Let's be honest. People usually mean well when they try to tell you, "don't over think it!" but that command rarely helps anyone. If it were just that easy, you wouldn't be searching up 'how to manage anxiety'! That's because most people don't really understand anxiety. I'm here to tell you why I don't really believe in over-thinking and how you can respond to your anxiety in a more helpful way that actually leads to improvement, not just more shame about it. Let's reframe what anxiety really is. Here’s the truth about anxiety: It’s not bad.  If you experience anxiety, you're not broken. It’s your mind and body trying to help you. Anxiety is a natural, adaptive response. It’s your brain looking ahead and scanning for danger—trying to keep you safe.  But in today’s world with endless news cycles, pinging devices, and simply too much information—the mind and nervous system gets overloaded. And when your mind gets bombarded with lots of seemingly threatening, confusing, or overwhelming messages, the body starts sending out more alarms than necessary. Especially if there's past trauma.  The body and mind are simply responding to the environmental cues to try and prevent future pain. Anxiety is unspoken fear. It’s un-named fear. It’s your imagination doing its job: looking ahead, picturing what could go wrong, and trying to prepare you for it. This part of your mind is actually brilliant and what makes you uniquely human. But it gets a little overzealous sometimes. If you’ve ever been through something scary, unpredictable, or overwhelming, like a parent yelling, the loss of a job or home, not making rent, a sudden loss of a loved one, a car accident, or growing up in a household where you never quite knew what version of someone you were going to get, then of course your mind would scan for danger now.  There would be something wrong if it didn’t. Anxiety isn't something to pathologize (don't get me started on diagnoses...) Anxiety is something to understand .  The mind adapts. It learns from lived experience, imagined threats, even what you’ve watched in a movie or on the news. Your nervous system doesn’t know the difference between what's real, what's imagined, and what's on the screen.  If an experience felt threatening, your body logged it as real. Let that sink in for a moment. And sometimes, your brain reacts to things like social rejection the same way it would to physical danger (because humans are social mammals and we need supportive relationships to survive and thrive). That’s why social anxiety can feel so big and paralyzing; it's why anxiety can lead to depression, isolation, loneliness, and even suicidal thoughts. Especially when people don’t feel safe or seen. Here’s what I want you to really know: Anxiety doesn't mean there's something wrong with you. It means your mind adapted to perceived threats. And perhaps those threats are no longer relevant or present (or maybe they are!). When you understand what it’s doing, you can stop fighting it (or blaming or shaming yourself), and start responding to it in a more helpful way.  Click to download this image for your phone or tablet wallpaper! Here are a few ways to respond to anxiety with care: Name the fear—put it into words Check the facts (is this actually happening?) Respond to yourself with acceptance and nurturing care. Take action to mitigate an actual threat Go for a 5-10 min walk Long-term: Minimize consumption of processed foods and substances Reach out for support if you need help managing anxiety. You’re not weak for feeling anxious. You’re human. And your system is amazingly wise and adaptive. Want more support like this?  Join my free newsletter, Points of Connection , and get stories, insights, and practical strategies sent straight to your inbox every Tuesday.  Click here to receive your weekly letter and join a growing community! Disclaimer: This blog is intended for informational and inspirational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional mental health care, diagnosis, or treatment. Reading this does not create a therapeutic relationship with Sherri M. Herman. If you are struggling with your mental health, please reach out to a licensed therapist or medical provider in your area.

Have you ever walked into a space—your church, workplace, or even your own home—and felt like no one really sees you? You smile, you engage, you show up. But still, something inside feels disconnected. Like you’re doing all the right things… and yet, when you leave there’s still this ache or longing. You didn't really get filled up.  Sometimes the loneliness we feel isn’t about a lack of people—it’s about a lack of deeper connection. With ourselves. With others. With something greater. Spiritual practice can happen anywhere—but that doesn’t mean we don’t need support. Lately, I’ve felt a pull to strengthen and reinforce my Zen Buddhist practice. Not because anything is “wrong,” but because I’m ready to deepen. I want spiritual guidance that stretches me, grounds me, and strengthens my practice so I can become a little less reliant on the uncontrollable circumstances of life.  I’m grateful for my church community and all the places in my life where spiritual conversations happen—but I also know I need more. Spiritual practice isn’t limited to a cushion or a sanctuary. Your grocery store can be a sacred space. So can your car. So can waiting in line at the DMV (especially while waiting in line at the DMV!). Spiritual practice is available to us in every moment. It’s that quiet pause in the car before school pickup.It ’s the breath you take before snapping at your kids or your partner. It ’s the decision to speak compassionately to yourself when everything feels like too much. It's the choice to seek to understand someone who thinks very differently from you.  Every moment is a Dharma gate. A chance to return to presence instead of adding to the chaos. But we still need each other. Yes, we can practice anywhere. But that doesn’t mean we’re meant to practice alone. We need spaces where we feel safe enough to grow. We need people who care about us and who listen.  We need to be supported—not just spiritually, but emotionally, relationally, and practically. Because when no one sees the weight you’re carrying, it gets heavier. And the longer you carry it alone, the harder it gets to even ask for help. You simply adapt and find a sort of comfort in the familiarity of suffering.  It doesn't need to be that way.  Loneliness and anxiety go hand in hand. When we feel disconnected for too long, our bodies go into overdrive. The nervous system stays on alert. Sleep gets harder. The mind starts spinning. We shut down. And even though we long for connection, we start believing we don’t have time for it. Or that we don't deserve it... that it won’t help... that we’re too far gone... that nobody really cares.  Loneliness fuels anxiety, and anxiety will keep you lonely.  Click to download this image for your phone or tablet wallpaper! Take a breath and ask yourself: Where do I feel spiritually grounded right now? Where might I need more support, structure, or guidance? You don’t have to do this alone. There is a way to reconnect with yourself—and others. There is a way to move through the loneliness and anxiety toward calm and peace. And maybe, for now, the only thing you need to do… is notice that. Notice what’s calling you back to yourself. Want more support like this?  Join my free newsletter, Points of Connection , and get stories, insights, and practical strategies sent straight to your inbox every Tuesday.  Click here to receive your weekly letter and join a growing community! Disclaimer: This blog is intended for informational and inspirational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional mental health care, diagnosis, or treatment. Reading this does not create a therapeutic relationship with Sherri M. Herman. If you are struggling with your mental health, please reach out to a licensed therapist or medical provider in your area.

Have you ever wondered if it’s possible to experience the powerful benefits of mindfulness without ever meditating? Mindfulness Without Meditation? Yes. Ellen Langer is a Harvard psychologist who has been studying mindfulness for 50 years and I have been loving her latest book, The Mindful Body: Thinking Our Way to Chronic Health. What’s interesting is that her approach doesn’t include meditation at all (very different from my 10 years of Zen Buddhist training!). She teaches mindfulness without meditation. Yes, you can be more mindful without a formal practice of meditation or yoga. It simply takes the intention to do so. Her approach to mindfulness is about moment-to-moment awareness—being present, being curious, and questioning your assumptions as you move through daily life. The Power of Mind-Body Unity One of the core ideas she teaches is “mind-body unity.” Not mind-body connection— unity . She doesn’t see the mind and body as two separate systems influencing each other. They are one; a truth that can be found in many spiritual traditions around the world and one that became clear to me when began my mindfulness practices many years ago. What affects the mind affects the body because there is no real separation. This is part of why the mind has such a powerful role in shaping our health, function, and experience of life. It’s not just positive thinking—it’s a physiological reality. Events Are Neutral—Interpretation Is Everything Another key point in her work is the idea events themselves are inherently neutral and are neither good nor bad. It’s our interpretation, our values, and our conditioning that give an event its meaning. This means that how we think about something—how we perceive it—determines how we feel about it. And that perception is always available to be re-examined, and that is what Ellen encourages. We’re not stuck with our initial response. In other words, you can change how you feel by changing how you think. It’s not about pretending something didn’t happen—it’s about seeing it differently, with more possibility, nuance, and agency. This is ultimately empowering and can free you from feeling stuck. Challenging Assumptions, Changing Outcomes Ellen Langer seems to love asking, “Is that really true?” She lives to challenge commonly held assumptions because the research has pulled back the curtain on so many of them. Which, I myself find challenging because I'm such a know-it-all! But, her view invites my growth. Some of her research has included setting back clocks to explore our perception of time—putting people in an environment that reflects a younger time in their life and seeing the many seemingly miraculous effects that has on them physically and mentally. “Turning back the clock in the body” is her phrase. The Mind as a Healing Tool There is so much research that she explores in the book—it’s fascinating and even somewhat entertaining. I’ve long held the belief that we should utilize or capitalize on the placebo effect more often because it’s safe, accessible, and truly demonstrates the power of the mind to heal. Ellen Langer would effectively agree. It’s always a question of how to do it ethically. Let Your Mind Work for You The point is—your mind is so much more powerful at shaping your reality and your health than you might imagine. Ellen Langer’s book will show you why. I couldn't help but share this resource with so many of my clients as I've been reading it because it's so relevant to therapy work. And I wanted to share it with you too. I hope you pick it up and learn how you can think your way to chronic health. 👉 Click here to check out the book . If you give it a read, I’d love to hear what stands out to you. Download this wallpaper for your phone to give you a daily reminder! Click to download this image for your phone or tablet wallpaper! Want more support like this?  Join my free newsletter, Points of Connection , and get stories, insights, and practical strategies sent straight to your inbox every Tuesday.  Click here to receive your weekly letter and join a growing community! Disclaimer: This blog is intended for informational and inspirational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional mental health care, diagnosis, or treatment. Reading this does not create a therapeutic relationship with Sherri M. Herman. If you are struggling with your mental health, please reach out to a licensed therapist or medical provider in your area.

Have you ever held back what you wanted to say because you felt unqualified, too insignificant, or like your voice didn’t matter? Many times, I’m not sure that what I have to say is worth saying at all. Because so many other people in the world are saying so many things! There is so much noise—and I often struggle to see exactly where I fit in all of it. There are millions of people that are so much smarter and more well-educated than I am. Millions that have so much more wisdom than I have. My mind wonders sometimes why my voice matters at all. Do you ever wonder that too? Do you ever think, “Well, who am I to say anything? It doesn’t really matter!”? It’s a delusion to think that any one voice is more valuable than another. It’s a lie to think that someone with more education and credentials is more important. It’s a lie that your voice doesn’t matter. And somewhere along the way, somebody either intentionally or unintentionally conditioned your mind with that lie and you started to believe it. It ’s false to think that simply because someone is speaking up, their voice is more worthy of being heard than any other. Their voice isn’t more worthy or important—it’s simply being vocalized.The truth is, your voice matters because you matter just as much as anyone else, even if our modern, capitalist, and class-based society would lead you to believe otherwise. Your voice matters just as much as anyone else’s—and that goes for everyone's else too. But your voice won’t really matter to anyone if it doesn’t matter to you first. That’s the thing.Do you speak up about your feelings and opinions? Do you speak up when you disagree? Do you speak up when someone violates your boundaries? Some people are lucky enough to have people in their life that will really get them—however, even still, no one will ever be able to mind-read you. Maybe if you’ve had a highly attuned companion for 30+ years—but even then—mind reading isn’t a thing. They’re simply making calculated assumptions based on past experience. Nobody can read your mind (thank goodness!!). It’s a mistake to think that people should just know what you mean, what you want or need, your opinion, or to just know your intentions. Honestly, many people don’t even know themselves in this way, yet they still expect others to know. My friend, if you want to be known, you need to use your voice. First with yourself and then with others. If you want people to deeply know you, you need to be willing to deeply know yourself and be willing to deeply see and know others. This all probably seems obvious on paper (or screen), right? It seems so obvious when you read it. But I’m telling you—many people really struggle with this. And I have no doubt that you do too, to some extent. What are you holding back? What is the thing that you’re not saying? Who is the person in your life that you’re hiding from? What are you screaming on the inside but not saying on the outside? And who do you need to say it to? Is it yourself? Your partner? A parent, friend, boss, or employee? It’s not worth staying silent. It eats away at you. It keeps you feeling small. Staying silent makes you feel lonely, anxious, and depressed. Because you’re basically putting tape over your mouth and keeping yourself isolated. You’re pushing yourself down. And that makes me wonder—who has previously pushed down your voice? Who made you feel small, insignificant, belittled, or even stupid because you simply spoke up? Who needed to have power over you so that they could feel powerful? Who tried to control you so that they could feel in control? Who made you feel bad and stupid because they may have been threatened by you? It’s not enough to say your voice matters. You need to live as if it matters. You need to live as if all voices matter. It’s not as easy as it seems when you’ve had years of experience being ignored or suppressing yourself. But you can start small. You already do it in so many ways. So keep going. Start with the thing that’s been eating at you and niggling in the back of your mind. Let go of the judgments (rather, let them be there but let them be in the background). Don't wait to speak up until there are no more judgments or criticisms coming from the inside—you’d be waiting forever. Click to download this image for your phone or tablet wallpaper! So, I ask you again— What is it that you’ve been shoving down and that you really need to say? Who do you need to say it to? If it helps, you can start by telling me. I’ll keep it confidential, I promise (I’m a therapist, remember—a human vault). Sometimes if you can share with just one other person or even a journal, that helps to pave the way. You realize you’re okay, you’re still here, and the sky didn’t fall. I’ll be waiting to hear from you ( click here to connect ). Want more support like this?  Join my free newsletter, Points of Connection , and get stories, insights, and practical strategies sent straight to your inbox every Tuesday.  Click here to receive your weekly letter and join a growing community! Disclaimer: This blog is intended for informational and inspirational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional mental health care, diagnosis, or treatment. Reading this does not create a therapeutic relationship with Sherri M. Herman. If you are struggling with your mental health, please reach out to a licensed therapist or medical provider in your area.

Several years ago, if I made one little mistake, like burning the pancakes, I’d say the absolute worst things to myself. Things I would never, ever say to anyone else. Can you relate? Oof. I cringe just thinking about it. Most of us talk to ourselves in ways that we would never dream of uttering to another person, especially our own child or best friend. Yet, we relentlessly speak to ourself in the harshest ways, thinking that it's going to improve our performance and somehow make us better. It doesn't. It actually makes things worse. And, being hard on yourself makes you feel more depressed, angry, and lonely. I'm going to show you exactly how to stop being so hard on yourself and how to create a kinder relationship with yourself. Because it doesn't just help you feel better, it actually helps you pursue your goals, have healthier relationships, and feel happier in your life. Notice how your mind talks to you when you make a mistake. How does your mind speak to you when you make a mistake? What are the words or phrases it says? I actually want you to grab a pen and paper and write it down. Write down the three most common phrases that your mind says to you when you make a mistake. I’ll give you a moment. [giving you a moment] Got it? Do you need more time? Okay, I’ll trust that you’ve identified a few words or phrases. Now. Who else does that voice sound like? The way you talk to yourself has been shaped by your environment. Think about it. You weren’t born with the words in your mind. You know why? Because you weren’t born with language. You literally did not come out of the womb talking (even if your mom said you did). You didn’t start talking at all for at least 2-4 years into your life. And you didn’t just magically begin speaking because you were born with a talent for words (even if you are talented with words). You started talking because the people around you were talking. And the words you spoke were a reflection of what you heard. This is how language and dialect is passed on. The words that you heard other people say to you, about you, or about themselves, or others, significantly shapes the way you talk to yourself internally. So let me ask you again. When you think of that voice in your mind that swoops in after you’ve made a mistake, who else does it sound like? Whose voice is it? And let me make it clear: we’re not here to blame anyone. We’re here to understand and increase awareness. That’s it. How you talk to yourself reflects how you actually think about yourself. Okay. Now that you know what your mind says to you when you make a mistake, I want you to answer this question: What does this make you think about yourself? For me, some of my most common thoughts were: “I’m an idiot.” “I’m worthless.” “I’m a failure.” What is it for you? What are the thoughts or beliefs about yourself that are underneath the way that your mind says to you when you make a mistake? Take a moment to write some of these down. For real. These exercises don’t work unless you actually do them. How you think influences how you feel. Now, how do these thoughts make you feel? When I say feel, I’m not talking about more thoughts or ideas about yourself. Don’t just tell me what you’re thinking. I mean, what are the emotions, the feeeeeeeelings, that you experience as a result of those thoughts. If you’re saying, “I don’t know Sherri! I don’t know what the heck I’m feeling!” It’s okay. You’re not alone. I know the mind is not always very good at identifying feelings. That’s the case for most of us. So it can be helpful to listen to your body when you’re trying to figure out what you’re actually feeling. I’m talking about feeling words, like: sad, scared, angry, shameful, surprised, lonely, happy, etc. Look back over the words and phrases you just wrote down in the previous exercise. Close your eyes and let those sink in. Now turn your attention inward towards your body. Notice the sensations in your body. Pause. Write down any feeling words that seem to resonate with you. Accept your feelings and respond to them with loving-kindness. Now. Imagine that someone you dearly love, and maybe who is a little more vulnerable than you, is feeling this same way. It could be your child, your pet, your niece or nephew, you get the idea. Get a picture of them in your head. Now, without trying to change their thoughts or feelings, what would you say or do with them if you wanted them to know that they’re not alone and they are loved exactly as they are. How would you show them tender, loving-kindness? What actions would you take? What words would you say? If you’re not sure, then imagine how a deeply loving figure would respond to them. How do you think God, Jesus, Buddha, Mother Teresa, or Thich Nhat Hanh would respond to them? Take a moment to imagine this in your mind. Then write down some ideas. Now I want you to picture doing this or saying these things to yourself. This is how you start being kinder to yourself. With enough practice and time, you absolutely can retrain the way you respond to yourself when you make a mistake. Okay, I hear you saying, “But Sherri, I can’t do this all the time. You can’t expect me to be Mother Teresa or Jesus for crying out loud. This is unreasonable.” I hear you. You’re absolutely right. I don’t expect you to be perfect at this. Because that wouldn’t be human or loving. I’m not perfect at it either. But, I want you to just practice. Practice as often as you can. Aim for progress not perfection. Slowly over time, the berating will get less and less. Less raking over the coals, and no more hell, fire and brimstone when you burn the pancakes or send the wrong email. You'll have more patience, feel more at ease, and feel more calm even when things don't go exactly as you intended, which helps you be the kind of person and mom you really want to be. And, bonus, you'll automatically begin to respond to your kids and people you love in the same way. Which, in turn, helps them have a more loving relationship with themselves. Cool, huh? Give it a try and let me know how it goes. To be notified when I publish a new article, hear about updates first, receive occasional freebies, and be privy to stories I may not share anywhere else, sign up by clicking the button below. Please forward this to a friend or share on social media. And remember, you are always loved no matter what. Pin this post to read it later Sherri M. Herman, MA, LPCC is a spiritual life coach, speaker, and psychotherapist who is known for being a compassionate guide has been helping others achieve their goals since 2010. Having been twice divorced herself, she loves helping women overcome the challenges and loneliness of divorce while balancing the needs of self-love, parenting, and life. She lives near Minneapolis, MN with her husband, son (aged 12 at the time of this publishing), dog (Spirit), cat (Daisy), and axolotl (Mochi). She loves movie and game nights with her family, hosting potlucks and bonfires, working out at the gym, and going camping with family-friends. Get Your Free 5-Day Email Series >> From Loneliness to Love I’m here to support you if you need. I can provide you with spiritual coaching regardless of where you are located. Click below to book a free call.

Have you struggled with trusting yourself after divorce? If so, you’d be normal. Society puts the forever-marriage on a pedestal. My maternal grandparents were married for 65 years when my grandfather passed away. They were together for a total of about 72 years. According to our culture, they won the marriage lottery. And maybe they did. But my friend, it’s time to stop comparing. Part of rebuilding your trust in yourself is trusting that you’re on the exact right path for your life. You were born in a different era and a different culture. You never were, and never have been, dependent on marriage for survival or love. It’s time to give up the assumption that you need to be married (and stay married) in order to be worthy of love, trustworthiness, and to be a good person. Honest people get divorced. It takes a hell of a lot of honesty, courage, integrity, and humility to admit that something isn’t working. Or maybe that you're being mistreated, or that you got married for the wrong reasons, that you’re living a lie, that you got married when you were living unconsciously, or that you hate what your life has become, etc. It doesn't matter. What matters is that you got honest with yourself and you took action. Some people stay in a miserable marriage for years just so they can fulfill an image of happiness and perfection, meanwhile, their soul is starving for true connection. That is an incredibly lonely life. And as you may already know, chronic loneliness can shave years off your life (nearly 30%) and drastically increase the risk factors of a myriad of health problems including dementia. Staying in an unworkable marriage to manage other peoples' perceptions of you and your life isn’t worth the cost. Good and trustworthy people don’t stay married. Whaa? Hold up - hear me out. I’m not saying that people who stay married aren’t trustworthy people (although sometimes they’re not). I’m saying that you don’t lose your trustworthiness or goodness as a person simply because you have divorced. On the contrary, if you are divorced, it means you honored yourself by asking for the divorce or you honored your former spouse by giving them the divorce that they wanted or needed to be a whole person. That is very trustworthy. Divorce is actually a very loving and trusting thing to do. Yes, I said it. Divorce is a loving thing to do because it relinquishes control. I think it was Gandhi who said that any attempt to control another is an act of violence (but I’m not able to confirm the source at this time). But I would add, that sentiment goes for your relationship with yourself. I’m saying, you can trust yourself even more because of where you are. You’ve gone through some seriously hard times and have made some seriously hard choices. And you’re still here. You’re obviously interested in your own growth as a person, otherwise you wouldn’t be reading this. That tells me that you can trust yourself to make wise decisions for your life. It’s not your fault. The family system you grew up in plays a significant role in how you experience relationships and view marriage. If getting married and staying married was highly valued, like it was in my family, then you are more likely to have married to get love, approval, and worthiness rather than marrying from that a place of love, approval, and worthiness. If you were raised in an environment where your feelings, wants, and needs were dismissed, shamed, or minimized, then you were unconsciously trained to dismiss or minimize them within yourself. This pattern will typically be re-created in your relationships because it lives within you. Like-attracts-like, so you were also highly likely to marry someone who embodies those similar emotional-behavioral patterns. Without intervention, these types of patterns are more likely to lead to a very unhappy marriage and/or divorce. Can you see how this isn’t your fault? You didn’t get to choose the system you were raised in (and neither did your caregivers). You didn’t get to choose who you were attracted to. You didn’t get to choose the emotional behavioral patterns that were “installed” in you as a child. We look in the rearview mirror for understanding not for blame or pointing fingers. We look back so we can see, learn, and then move forward differently. You get to decide now. Now that you know what you know, you get to decide what’s working for you and what’s not, meaning, what’s adding to your joy in life or what is stealing it. What's energizing and what's draining? You get to decide what you want to change or not. You get to decide what values matter most to you and to what extent you want those values to guide your life. You get to decide what kinds of relationships you want in your life, including the most important relationship in your life: the one with yourself. You are worthy of love and respect no matter what. The task of rebuilding trust in yourself after divorce is multifaceted. It involves embracing acceptance, understanding, and a willingness to see yourself, your relationships, and your life in a new light. The old light doesn’t work anymore. Self-compassion plays a pivotal role in this process. Rather than berating yourself for perceived past mistakes or perceived shortcomings, practice kindness and understanding towards yourself by recognizing that you are always learning and we are all doing life for the first time. There is no one, right and true way. Healing from divorce is not a linear process. There may always be some moments of doubt, loneliness, and fear. However, by trusting in yourself and your innate wisdom, you can navigate these challenges with grace, ease, and resilience. Remember that you are not alone on this journey. Seek support from trusted friends, family members, you Higher Guidance/Higher Power, and/or professionals who can offer guidance and encouragement along the way. If you'd like support, I'm here for you. To hear about updates first, receive occasional freebies, and be privy to stories I may not share anywhere else, sign up by clicking the button below. Please forward this to a friend or share on social media. And remember, you are always loved no matter what.

Have you ever had that experience of feeling alone in a crowded room? Have you ever been in a group but felt like an outsider struggling to connect? I’ve been there many times, in fact, I spent most of my life feeling that way. If you’ve ever felt like you're on the outskirts of your own life, yearning for connection but unable to find it, stick with me. I’m going to share with you how the generally recommended advice failed me, I'll dive into the link between social anxiety and loneliness, and I'll leave you with some recommendations if you think you might struggle with social anxiety. Several years ago when I was newly divorced and feeling exceptionally lonely, I began regularly attending a very large Church in my community. Intellectually I knew that being in community and developing new relationships was an important factor in overcoming loneliness. I chose this particular Church because the values of the Church were in alignment with my own and it seemed to have a great Sunday School program for my son. I was excited to be a part of a large community with shared values, I loved the sermons, and my son really enjoyed his Sunday School experiences. However, week after week, I felt more and more lonely when I attended. While I got so much out of the sermon itself, the coffee hour left me feeling deeply sad and lonely. I looked around and saw many families, couples, grandparents, and so many people who already seemed to be good friends. As a single, divorced mom, I didn’t feel like I fit in. Everyone seemed to be engaged with each other and I felt entirely invisible. Even if someone spoke to me, I just assumed they were “being nice” because they felt sorry for me. I ended up feeling more alone and lonely than if I hadn’t gone at all. Have you ever had an experience like that? I eventually stopped going to that thriving Church. Not because there was anything wrong with that community but because I couldn’t make a connection. I wasn’t willing to reach out to someone new and start a conversation. I felt too much anxiety at continuing a conversation that someone had started with me; I didn’t know what to say and I feared anything I said sounded stupid. I felt too intimidated to join a small group. I stayed on the sidelines because I felt small, insignificant, invisible, and deeply unworthy on the inside. My mind bombarded me with so many thoughts of doubt and negative self-judgment and they won. My friend, if you’re anything like me I want you to know that you’re not alone. I see you. The vast majority of experts on loneliness recommend that if you’re feeling lonely, you should surround yourself with a supportive community. “Get into community” is what they always say. That solution truly does work for so many people, which is why it’s so popular. However, it doesn’t work for everyone for a variety of reasons. I’m here for the people that the message, “Get into community,” doesn’t work for. It’s simply not always that easy to just “get into community.” In fact, I feel frustrated every time I see that recommendation. The recommendation to increase community connection lacks insight into the complexities of one’s relationship with one’s self (internal connection) and how this directly impacts social relationships (external connections). There is a tremendous body of research linking social-anxiety and loneliness. If you experience social-anxiety, you’re more likely to experience loneliness. However, loneliness does not typically precede social-anxiety. If you don’t feel worthy enough to connect with other people, or experience a lot of self-doubt, negative self-judgment, or deeply fear negative judgment from others, simply joining a community is not likely to be helpful. In fact, if you struggle with negative self-judgment, joining a community can make you feel worse. It can exacerbate feelings of loneliness, fear, and shame, leading to a downward spiral. I’ve seen it time and time again in myself and so many of my clients. Overcoming any level of social anxiety requires: 1) A change in relationship with your thoughts 2) A change in relationship with your feelings 3) A change in behavior. Together, these three critical changes comprise a change in relationship with yourself. One needs to shift from a relationship dominated by fear and judgment to a relationship that is driven by acceptance and love. Your external relationships are a mirror of your internal relationship with yourself. How you imagine others will think of you is a reflection of how you think of yourself. If you struggle with negative self-judgment, you are more likely to fear negative judgements from others. When you practice loving self-acceptance, you are more likely to feel accepted and belonging in general. When you experience social-anxiety and want to experience more satisfying, connected, and meaningful relationships with others, developing a more accepting, compassionate, and loving relationship with yourself is critical. When I look back now at my earlier experiences of trying to join that Church community, I can see so clearly that, until my relationship with myself changed, I wasn’t going to make much headway on developing new connections. I was too blocked by my own negative self-judgment and unworthiness to even think that other people could be accepting of me. I still struggle with some of these issues but not nearly as much as I used to. I currently work for a very large Church while I'm also personally a member of a more intimate faith community. The past version of me, before I re-worked my relationship with myself, would have been far too scared to touch either of these communities with a ten-foot pole. You can get started on cultivating a more accepting and loving relationship with yourself by subscribing to my free give-day email series: From Loneliness to Love. I take you on a brief journey to help ignite feelings of self-love through a series of prayers and affirmations that help you connect with your idea of a Higher Power/Guidance and inner source of love. Click the button below to sign up: If you’re curious about your own level of possible social-anxiety, you can learn more here and even access a freely available screening tool online. Please be aware that this tool is not intended to diagnose, treat or cure any mental health disorder. It is simply a screening tool that may be able to help you determine if you need additional support from a qualified professional. It’s important for me to note that social-anxiety, like many other conditions, exists on a spectrum and not all levels of social-anxiety warrant a clinical diagnosis or clinical treatment. It all depends on the intensity and duration of your fear and avoidance, and how it does or does not impact your ability to function in your daily life and relationships. Only a qualified mental health professional can effectively diagnose Social-Anxiety Disorder. If you think you need the support of a therapist, you can contact your primary care doctor or your health insurance provider for a referral. You can also check out web-based resources like PsychologyToday.com or BetterHelp.com to find a therapist in your area (I don't receive any kickbacks for these recommendations). Most importantly, I want you to know that if you struggle with cultivating connections with others, you’re not alone and it’s not your fault. I’m with you and I’m here for you. Stick with me and keep following me. If you'd like support, I'm here for you. To hear about updates first, receive occasional freebies, and be privy to stories I may not share anywhere else, sign up by clicking the button below. Please forward this to a friend or share on social media. And remember, you are always loved no matter what.

In her book, The Gifts of Imperfection, researcher and author Brené Brown, Ph.D, says, “Perfectionism is a self-destructive and addictive belief system that fuels this primary thought: If I look perfect and do everything perfectly, I can avoid or minimize the painful feelings of blame, judgment, and shame.” I’m going to share with you one of my crash-and-burn experience with perfectionism, explain the connection between perfectionism and loneliness, help you recognize if you have the perfectionism bug, and provide you with a winning strategy to overcome perfectionism. I got married the first time in my early twenties. I thought that if I was married, I’d be doing life the right and perfect way and it would mean that I was good, lovable, and worthy of approval. After several “failed” relationships, I was finally matched up by a family member. I thought to myself, “Yes, this is the right way.” I was so focused on executing what I thought was the perfect plan to gain approval and love, I had no idea that I wasn't even close to being ready for marriage. I really didn’t know how to have a healthy relationship with another person because I had a deeply unhealthy relationship with myself. Long story short, we divorced less than two years later and this crash-and-burn experience drove me into a deeper hole of loneliness. I felt like the biggest failure on the planet and experienced a lot of shame. Fewer things are lonelier than being trapped in the pursuit of perfectionism but to the untrained eye, it can look like ultimate success and fulfillment on the outside. Perfectionism is a creative yet controlling and stifling coping strategy born out of feelings of shame, insecurity, and unworthiness. This strategy usually begins in childhood, often as a result of nature and nurture, and, left unchecked, carries forward into adulthood. While perfectionism can have some benefits and rewards leading to material success or social status, it’s ultimately a losing strategy when it comes to your long-term health and relationships. Research suggests that those who struggle with perfectionism are more likely to experience depression, social hopelessness, and loneliness. When you think about it, it makes perfect sense. If you are focused on trying to be perfect, you'll miss out on genuine and authentic connection and presence with yourself and others, which is what your heart truly longs for and is the key to overcoming loneliness. Perfectionism ends up doing the opposite of what you hope for, it leaves you with an abundance of shame and a scarcity of love; it gives rise to deep loneliness and even addictive behaviors that keep you stuck in the cycle. Is perfectionism lurking in the background of your mind? Here are some questions to ask yourself: Do you agonize over details until they’re just right? Do you more easily see problems than solutions? Are you often worried about how other people think about you? Do you get down on yourself for making even the smallest mistakes? Do you feel like nothing you do is ever good enough, no matter how hard you try, even when others praise your work? If you answered yes to one or more of these questions, you may struggle with perfectionism. Just so you know, you’re in good company and these patterns don’t have to rule your life. Vulnerability and self-compassion are key components of developing a loving relationship with yourself and help you move from approval-based living to value-based living. You can breathe again because you’re living with a solid foundation of security and love within yourself that isn’t dependent on perfect performance or on the perceptions of others. This is a recipe for real connection and lasting love. The next time you find your perfectionism ruling over a situation that is literally not life or death, pause for a moment and pull back from the task at hand. Practice this exercise of self-connection: Check in with your body to see how it’s feeling and check in with how you’re breathing. Regulate your breathing. Tell yourself, “I’ve gotten caught up in perfectionism again. This is hard to change. I feel ______. I need ______. I love you.” Take 5 deep breaths. Decide what matters most right now and proceed accordingly. Let me know how it goes. If you'd like support, I'm here for you. To hear about updates first, receive occasional freebies, and be privy to stories I may not share anywhere else, sign up by clicking the button below. Please forward this to a friend or share on social media. And remember, you are always loved no matter what.