The Four Words That Helped Me Stop People-Pleasing (and Start Living)
- Sherri M. Herman
- Apr 3
- 3 min read
Have you ever said yes when every part of you wanted to say no?
Have you ever stayed quiet to keep the peace, even though your heart was screaming?
Have you ever bent over backward for someone—only to feel invisible, exhausted, or even resentful afterward?
You’re not alone. I used to live there.
People-pleasing was my default.
I said yes to everyone, tried to meet everyone’s needs, and avoided conflict like it was fire. I was terrified of disappointing people. The idea that someone might be upset with me felt unbearable.
And for a long time, I told myself I was just being “kind,” “thoughtful,” or “nice.”
But the truth? I was terrified of what would happen if I didn’t make everyone around me feel okay.
Where People-Pleasing Really Begins
None of us become people-pleasers by accident. It’s not a character flaw or a quirky trait, it’s often a survival strategy learned early in life.
Research in developmental psychology tells us that children adapt to their caregivers’ emotional availability (or lack thereof) in order to feel safe and secure. If a parent or caregiver was emotionally unpredictable, reactive, or unable to regulate their feelings, we may have learned:If I keep them calm, I’ll be safe. If I keep them happy, I’ll be okay.
This pattern, known in attachment theory as anxious attachment, wires us to focus on others’ needs as a way to feel stable in the world. We become hyper-attuned to others’ moods and discomfort—often at the cost of our own.
We begin managing their emotions, and over time, we lose touch with our own and become disconnected from ourselves.
The Cost of Chronic People-Pleasing
While people-pleasing can make relationships seem smoother on the surface, it comes at a steep internal cost.
Resentment builds.
Burnout creeps in.
Authenticity disappears.
Loneliness grows.
Yes—loneliness. Because the more we abandon ourselves to make others comfortable, the more disconnected we feel from our own needs, feelings, and values. We show up in relationships, but we’re not fully in them.
We’re performing, managing, accommodating.
That’s not connection. That’s survival.
And eventually, our body will tell us. Stress-related health issues, anxiety, sleep disruption, digestive problems, or chronic fatigue can all be tied to the ongoing pressure of suppressing our truth. (The research connecting repressed emotions with health outcomes is growing—see Dr. Gabor Maté’s work on the mind-body connection.)
So what do we do?
The Game-Changer: Four Small Words
One phrase changed everything for me:“I’m not willing to.”
It sounds simple, but it’s revolutionary. It signals a shift from self-abandonment to self-respect.
Instead of saying yes because you’re afraid to say no, you say:“I’m not willing to.”
Instead of cushioning your truth with over-explaining or apologizing, you say:“I’m not willing to.”
Instead of making someone else’s comfort your responsibility, you say:“I’m not willing to.”
Why does this phrase matter so much?
Because it centers your agency, not your excuses.It affirms your limits, without blaming others.It reinforces that your well-being matters, just as much as anyone else’s.
Why It Works (Psychologically Speaking)
This shift lines up with what Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) teaches us: the importance of values-based living. In ACT, we learn to acknowledge uncomfortable emotions without letting them steer the ship. We act from what we care about, not from what we’re afraid of.
Saying “I’m not willing to” is an act of inner-connection. You are listening to your own feelings. You are identifying your boundary. You are taking responsibility for your life. And you are trusting that others can handle their reactions.
It’s not always easy. I still catch myself backsliding. But over time, saying these words, especially in small, low-stakes moments, has helped me build a relationship with myself that feels more authentic.
Start Small. Start Now.
Here’s your gentle challenge:Pick one small thing this week that you aren’t willing to do—and say so.
It might be as simple as:
“I’m not willing to take that on right now.”
“I’m not willing to stay late today.”
“I’m not willing to skip lunch again.”
Notice how it feels. It may be uncomfortable at first. That’s okay. Growth usually is.
But also notice what opens up inside you when you speak from that place of truth. You might feel lighter.
Stronger. A little more like you.
That’s connection. And it starts from within.
I’m cheering you on.
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