I recently turned down an opportunity to build my career and thought leadership. Nothing about this decision was easy. I deliberated for several weeks, then months. While I was thrilled when the opportunity came in last fall, something in me simply didn't feel all in. And as time went on, life began stacking obstacles that made it harder and harder to follow through. The opportunity was becoming a liability. It was clearly no longer worth the cost. Enough was enough, and last week I made the call. But a voice inside said things like: "It would be so good for your career. It would be so good for your resume. This could really build your reputation. Backing away could really hurt you. You might not get another shot like this." Through reflection and journaling, I came to see that voice for what it was. It was a part of me that was seeking status. A vulnerable part that has long feared being insignificant and unlovable unless I'm performing, succeeding, reaching higher heights. A part of me that has bought into the relentless pursuit of more... more status, more prestige, more money. A relentless pursuit of more, because something inside just never feels like quite enough. Can you relate? Where does the "never enough" story come from? I know this 'never enough' story well — it's one of the most common things I hear as a burnout therapist in Minnesota. Yes, it's influenced by our childhood — but we can't pin it all there. It's multifaceted and shaped by the overt and covert values and messaging instilled by our family of origin, and by our schools, our media, our worship communities, our social circles, and our culture at large. And this goes back for centuries. Centuries! Status seeking and "never enough" is woven into the human condition. There are so many podcasts that I love. But to be quite honest, many of those same podcasts are absolutely obsessed with status. And it comes through in their content and the types of guests they host. The American Dream has "do more, make more, be more" baked right into it. But it's not just the American Dream we have to blame. It's human nature in general. We do it by default... without even thinking about it. Sometimes more, sometimes less... depending on the culture. It's exhausting. I feel exhausted just writing about it. Aren't you exhausted reading about it? Living Counter-culturally Nearly 20 years ago I made a very intentional decision to pursue minimalism as a lifestyle. I was fed up with this American life. I sold most of my belongings and moved to Costa Rica with only a few bags of luggage to my name (and a few things left behind just in case — which turned out to be pretty helpful!). Shortly after I moved back I got a divorce, and soon after moved into a 450 sq ft home where my son and I lived for nearly seven years. I've since shifted away from that stark minimalist lifestyle. And honestly, part of what I had to reckon with is that back then, my pursuit of minimalism was partially a pursuit of status in and of itself. (status seeking is pretty sneaky that way!) Within the minimalist community, it's easy to get caught up in the pursuit of the least — and it can become another status seeking strategy. Back when I was leading a Meetup group called MN Minimalists, I often taught that minimalism (from my perspective) is a lifestyle centered on values and intentionality. It's not just about owning as little stuff as possible (though minimizing your material belongings is certainly a big part of it). It's about being able to recognize what matters most to you — and when enough is enough. Trying to live a life rooted in "already enough" is incredibly counter-cultural. It feels like rowing upstream without a paddle. And yet there's such a peace that comes with trusting that reality. The cost of the hustle. Worshiping at the altar of status — more, bigger, better — is an endless rat race that fosters discontent, burnout, overwhelm, comparison, greed, and insecurity. All the things that basically make you unhappy. And guess what? They lead to other problems... like overspending, over-eating, people-pleasing, doom scrolling — so many behaviors that are detrimental to our health and end up costing us more money in the long run. How many times have you said to yourself, "If I just get this one thing, then I can finally relax"? Or, "Once I finish this, then I'll be good"? But that day never comes. The finish line never arrives. The goal is never won because the goal posts keep moving. It's vicious cycle that needs a pattern interrupt. 'Enough' is a choice you make right now to interrupt the pattern Enough is a conscious choice you make right now. It's a choice to face the anxiety and insecurity that secretly drive the pursuit of more. It's a choice to say, "I'm going to be with this discomfort rather than running myself ragged trying to earn or perform or achieve it away." That's real power. That's real freedom. That's an inner status that no one can ever take away from you. When we step back and stop worshiping at the altar of status, overwhelm and burnout tend to subside. We shift from being dragged through life by our fears to being driven by our values. And when we are driven by our values, we may occasionally feel tired but that fatigue is accompanied by deep meaning, purpose, connection, and fulfillment. It's a tiredness that accompanies, "job well done," rather than a frantic, "I'm never doing enough." What are you chasing more of? What treadmill are you on right now? Whose approval are you running toward? Who are you trying to impress? What influencers are you following (authors, businesses, podcasters, YouTubers, or otherwise) that activates the part in you that feels like you're not enough every time you're exposed to them? Who or what is activating the, "I'm falling behind, need to be more... I need to keep up!" narrative in you on a regular basis? It could be someone on TV or it could be someone in your home or in the office next to you. The answer might come very quickly and be quite obvious. You already see it and know it in your gut. Or you might be saying, "No, not me. I do it purely for the love of it." Okay, maybe. I'd just encourage you to get a little more curious with some non-judgmental honesty. Doing something for the love of it doesn't tend to lead to burnout, overwhelm, loneliness, or emptiness. Give it some thought. Maybe pull out a journal or give yourself a little space for silence so you can reflect. Surprising things can come up when you simply make space for your true Self, God, or your unique connection to Higher Guidance to come through. About Minnesota based Therapist, Sherri M Herman, MA, LPCC Sherri is a licensed therapist in Minnesota who works with high-achieving leaders, entrepreneurs, and professionals struggling with burnout, anxiety, perfectionism, and people-pleasing. If you're the one who holds everything together for everyone else, and you're exhausted by it, you're exactly who she works with. She sees clients virtually across Minnesota. Learn more. Ready to take the next step? If something here landed for you, I'd love to connect. Schedule a free 20-minute consultation or send me a question . No commitment required, just a conversation. Or subscribe to get notified when future blog posts are published or when I have a meaningful update to share. If you or someone you know is struggling or in crisis, help is available. Call the NAMI HelpLine: 1-800-950-6264 available Monday through Friday, 10a - 10p, ET OR text "HelpLine" to 62640 or email NAMI at helpline@nami.org . Learn More.  You can also call or text HELP to 988 or chat at 988lifeline.org

You can enjoy the holidays even when you feel lonely by slowing down, caring for yourself with compassion, and finding simple ways to reconnect with what matters most. Why do the holidays make loneliness feel worse? The holidays can amplify loneliness because they highlight connection everywhere you look. Commercials, social media, movies and traditions often paint a picture of togetherness and joy. When your reality doesn’t match that image, it’s easy to feel like something is wrong with you. Feeling lonely during the holidays doesn’t mean you’re broken. It’s a signal from your inner self that you’re craving deeper connection, first with yourself, and then with others. What if I’m surrounded by people but still feel disconnected? You can feel lonely in a crowded room. Being physically present doesn’t always equal emotional connection. Sometimes you might feel unseen, misunderstood, or disconnected from the people around you. This kind of loneliness often comes from being disconnected internally: from your feelings, your needs, or your sense of belonging. To start reconnecting, pause and notice what you’re feeling. Ask yourself: What do I need right now Comfort, rest, understanding, or quiet?  Meeting your own needs, even in small ways, begins to rebuild that sense of connection from the inside out. How can I manage loneliness during holidays without avoiding it? Loneliness is uncomfortable, but pushing it away tends to make it louder. Think of loneliness as a hunger cue: it's telling you that you need connection much like hunger pangs tell you that you need food. Instead of ignoring loneliness or trying to push it away, try acknowledging it with compassion. You might say to yourself, It makes sense that I feel lonely right now. This season is hard.  This softens the self-criticism and opens the door for care. Here are a few ways to respond gently to loneliness: Write yourself a kind note or affirmation. Spend time outdoors to shift your perspective. Reach out to someone you trust, even with a short message. Create small, meaningful rituals that bring comfort: lighting a candle, making tea, or playing calming music. You can’t always eliminate loneliness, but you can meet it with kindness and presence. You can meet with with your own connection. And that really does make a difference. How can mindfulness help with feeling lonely during the holidays? Mindfulness helps you stay grounded when emotions feel overwhelming. When loneliness arises, notice where you feel it in your body: a tight chest, heavy heart, or lump in your throat. Breathe into that place slowly and gently. This brings your attention to the present moment instead of getting lost in comparison or regret. You might also try a simple grounding exercise: look around and name three things that feel peaceful or comforting. These small shifts help remind your body that you are safe, even when you feel alone. How can I create mindful connection when I feel isolated? Mindful connection means approaching relationships from a place of authenticity rather than performance. Instead of trying to force happiness or act like everything is fine, focus on small, genuine interactions that feel real. Try these ideas: Send a thoughtful message to someone you appreciate, even if you haven’t spoken in a while. Volunteer or contribute to a cause that matters to you. Giving helps create a sense of purpose and belonging. Join a local or virtual community where you can connect over shared interests. Practice being present with the people you do see: listen, make eye contact, and notice moments of warmth or laughter. Connection doesn’t have to be grand or perfect to be meaningful. Often, very small and brief moments of connection can have a great impact. How can I foster inner connection when I feel lonely? The most important connection is the one you build with yourself. When you treat yourself with compassion instead of judgment, you begin to feel less alone inside your own skin. This is the foundation of healing loneliness. Here are a few ways to strengthen inner connection: Listen inward.  Set aside a few quiet moments each day to check in with your emotions and needs. Speak kindly to yourself.  Replace harsh self-talk with words of reassurance: I’m doing my best. I’m worthy of care. Revisit meaningful practices.  Prayer, journaling, or meditation can help you feel anchored to something greater. Honor your emotions.  Let tears, rest, or reflection be part of your process instead of fighting them. When you nurture your relationship with yourself, loneliness begins to soften because you’re no longer abandoning your own heart. How can I enjoy the holidays, even in solitude? If you’re spending the holidays alone, it’s okay to simplify. Let go of the pressure to recreate traditional celebrations. Instead, design your own version of the holidays that supports peace and presence. You might: Cook a comforting meal and savor it slowly. Watch a favorite movie that makes you smile. Take a quiet walk and appreciate the stillness. Reflect on what you’re grateful for, even if it’s small. Enjoying the holidays when you feel lonely isn’t about pretending to be happy, it’s about noticing moments of calm, warmth, or meaning as they arise. Final thought Feeling lonely during the holidays doesn’t make you less worthy of love or connection. It’s an invitation to slow down, turn inward, and care for yourself gently. When you reconnect with your inner world, you begin to see connection everywhere—in quiet moments, small kindnesses, and even within yourself. About Minneapolis based Therapist, Sherri M Herman, MA, LPCC Sherri is a licensed therapist in Minneapolis, Minnesota who works with high-achieving leaders, entrepreneurs, and professionals struggling with burnout, anxiety, perfectionism, and people-pleasing. If you're the one who holds everything together for everyone else, and you're exhausted by it, you're exactly who she works with. She sees clients in person in South Minneapolis and virtually across Minnesota. Learn more. Ready to take the next step? If something here landed for you, I'd love to connect. Schedule a free 20-minute consultation  or send me a question . No commitment required, just a conversation. Or subscribe to get notified when future blog posts are published or when I have a meaningful update to share. If you or someone you know is struggling or in crisis, help is available. Call the NAMI HelpLine: 1-800-950-6264 available Monday through Friday, 10a - 10p, ET OR text "HelpLine" to 62640 or email NAMI at helpline@nami.org . Learn More.  You can also call or text HELP to 988 or chat at 988lifeline.org

You stay grounded during uncertain times by building daily practices that anchor you, connecting to sources of wisdom that offer perspective, and focusing on what you can control rather than what you can't. Why does uncertainty feel so overwhelming right now? Uncertainty is part of being human. We've always lived with unknowns. But right now, many of us feel a particular kind of stress because uncertainty is infused with fear. Most of the time, we can handle not knowing what's next because we have enough perception of control. We can make plans. We can take action. We can influence outcomes. But when uncertainty comes with a loss of control and an increase in fear, our nervous systems go into overdrive. We feel helpless. And that helplessness is what makes the stress unbearable. This is normal. Your body is responding exactly as it's designed to. The tension in your chest, the constant worry, the difficulty sleeping; these are all signs that your nervous system is trying to protect you. The question isn't how to eliminate uncertainty. It's how to stay grounded in the midst of it. What does it mean to stay grounded during uncertain times? Staying grounded means remaining connected to yourself even when everything around you feels unstable. It means having practices that anchor you when your mind spirals. It means having sources of wisdom that remind you this isn't the first time humans have faced hard things. It means being able to hold both fear and hope at the same time. Staying grounded doesn't mean you're not scared. It means you're not consumed by the fear. What practices actually help you stay grounded? The practices that help most are the ones that reconnect you to your body, to perspective, and to what matters most. Mindfulness and meditation  help regulate your nervous system. When you're anxious, your breath gets shallow and your body tenses. Daily meditation practice trains you to notice this and shift it. Even five minutes of focused breathing can bring you back to the present moment instead of spiraling about the future. Gratitude practice  shifts your focus from what's going wrong to what's still good. This isn't toxic positivity. It's training your brain to hold both realities: things are hard AND there is still good in your life. Both can be true. Body-based practices  and self-care like regular movement, proper hydration, and nourishment give your nervous system the message that you're safe enough to take care of yourself. Your body and mind are connected. When you care for one, you're supporting the other. Avoiding substances  that numb or disconnect you helps you stay present. Alcohol, excessive caffeine, or other coping mechanisms might provide temporary relief, but they often make anxiety worse over time. Where do you find perspective when everything feels overwhelming? Perspective comes from connecting to wisdom that's bigger than this moment. For some people, that's religious or spiritual traditions. Stories of people who survived impossible times remind us that humans have endured before and will endure again. Whether you turn to the Bible, Buddhist teachings, or other wisdom traditions, these stories offer a wider landscape to see your current struggle within. For others, it's remembering the teaching of impermanence. Nothing is permanent. Everything changes. What we're experiencing now will not be this way forever. This doesn't minimize the pain, but it offers hope that storms pass. You can also find perspective in history. What feels unprecedented to us often isn't new to human history. People have survived uncertainty, violence, fear, and loss before. We are not alone in this struggle. How do you hold space for hope when things feel hopeless? You hold space for hope by practicing radical acceptance alongside active engagement. Radical acceptance means accepting what you cannot control. You can't control global events. You can't control what other people do. You can't control how fast things change. But you can control how you show up. You can control your daily practices. You can control whether you stay connected to your body and your values. You can control the calculated risks you take to use whatever privilege you have for good. This is where hope lives. Not in denying reality, but in focusing on what you can influence. Supporting love, connection, and community in the face of fear. Speaking up when it matters. Showing up for the people around you. Hope isn't naive optimism. It's the choice to stay engaged even when outcomes are uncertain. What if you're struggling to stay grounded? If you're struggling right now, you're not alone. These are hard times. Times that test our emotional and spiritual strength. Our capacity for presence, compassion, hope, trust, and acceptance. You don't have to do this perfectly. None of us do. These are practices, not accomplishments. Some days you'll feel grounded. Other days you'll feel like you're barely holding on. The key is having anchors you can return to. Practices that steady you. Sources of wisdom that remind you of your humanity. People who hold space with you. And if you're someone who holds space for others in your work or your family, these practices aren't optional. They're necessary. You can't pour from an empty cup. You can't hold hope for others if you're drowning in your own fear. Find your anchors. Return to them daily. And remember: we are all interconnected. What supports you supports all of us. About Minneapolis based Therapist, Sherri M Herman, MA, LPCC Sherri is a licensed therapist in Minneapolis, Minnesota who works with high-achieving leaders, entrepreneurs, and professionals struggling with burnout, anxiety, perfectionism, and people-pleasing. If you're the one who holds everything together for everyone else, and you're exhausted by it, you're exactly who she works with. She sees clients in person in South Minneapolis and virtually across Minnesota. Learn more. Ready to take the next step? If something here landed for you, I'd love to connect. Schedule a free 20-minute consultation  or send me a question . No commitment required, just a conversation. Or subscribe to get notified when future blog posts are published or when I have a meaningful update to share. If you or someone you know is struggling or in crisis, help is available. Call the NAMI HelpLine: 1-800-950-6264 available Monday through Friday, 10a - 10p, ET OR text "HelpLine" to 62640 or email NAMI at helpline@nami.org . Learn More.  You can also call or text HELP to 988 or chat at 988lifeline.org

Is it normal to pull away from people during stressful times? Yes, it’s completely normal. For many of us, especially those who grew up in homes marked by dysfunction, chaos, or unpredictability, this response is automatic. When you grew up in an environment where connection meant danger, your nervous system learned to associate other people with threat. Perhaps reaching out for comfort led to dismissal, criticism, or even hurt. If the adults in your life were unpredictable, you learned it was safer to handle things alone. Your brain catalogued all of that. Now, when stress hits, your default setting is to retreat. Pull back. Handle it yourself. This isn’t a character flaw. It’s a learned response to danger. Why does isolation feel safer than connection? Because at some point in your life, it was safer. If you're an adult child of an alcoholic or someone who grew up in a dysfunctional family, connection likely came with strings attached. Love was conditional. Attention was unpredictable. Safety was never guaranteed. So you learned to rely on yourself. You became hypervigilant, self-sufficient, and fiercely independent. Not because you wanted to be alone, but because being alone felt more predictable than risking rejection, criticism, or abandonment. Isolation became your strategy for managing pain. And for a long time, it probably worked. But here's the problem: what protected you as a child often limits you as an adult. What does perfectionism have to do with avoiding connection? Everything. Perfectionism isn't about having high standards. It’s about believing that if you can just do everything right, you’ll finally be safe. You’ll finally be loved. You’ll finally be enough. When you grew up in chaos or dysfunction, perfectionism became your way of controlling the uncontrollable. If you could just be good enough, quiet enough, or helpful enough, maybe the adults in your life would be stable. Maybe they’d see you. Maybe they’d stay. But here’s what that taught you: connection (and love) is conditional. It has to be earned. If you mess up, you’ll lose it. So when things get hard and you need support, your perfectionism kicks in. You think: I can’t reach out until I have it figured out. I can’t ask for help until I’ve tried everything myself. I can’t be vulnerable until I’m certain I won’t be a burden. You’re not just afraid of other people. You’re afraid of doing connection wrong. What happens in my body when I isolate when stressed? Your nervous system goes into survival mode. When you're stressed and you isolate, your body interprets that as confirmation that you're in danger. Your heart rate increases. Breathing gets shallow. Muscles tense. Your mind races with worst-case scenarios. This is your body trying to protect you. But without connection, without another nervous system to help regulate yours, the stress has nowhere to go. It just cycles inside you, building and building until you feel suffocating anxiety or crushing depression. Your inner self is begging for your attention. Your body is sending you signals: reach out, connect, ask for help. But you may lack the words to express what you need. Or you might fall into patterns of self-neglect, isolation, and pushing through alone. This is stressful as hell. And exhausting. I understand why I do this. So why can't I stop? Because understanding and changing are two different things. You've probably done therapy. You understand your childhood patterns. You know isolation doesn’t actually help. You’ve read the books, learned the frameworks, and can explain exactly why you pull away when you need connection most. But when stress hits? You still do it. This is the gap between knowing and doing. Your head understands that connection is safe now. Your body hasn’t caught up yet. Your nervous system is still operating on the old programming: other people equal danger. Asking for help equals weakness. Showing up imperfectly equals rejection. You don’t need more insight. You need practice choosing connection even when every instinct screams at you to isolate. So why do some people easily reach for connection during hard times? Because they learned early on that connection was safe AND that imperfect connection still counted. When people are struggling, many naturally move towards each other. Not because they’re braver or stronger, but because their nervous systems learned that other people are a source of safety, not danger. They learned that you don’t have to have everything figured out to deserve support or give adequate support. Good enough is good enough. Think of it like a net trying to hold too much while an outside force is thrashing at it, trying to tear it apart. But instead of breaking, the net begins to shimmer with gold. It becomes stronger. The knots increase in number and strength. The net is infused with energy it never before knew. That’s the power of connection. But what if I don't know how to ask for help the "right" way? There is no right way. This is what perfectionism does. It convinces you that unless you can articulate your needs perfectly, structure your request flawlessly, and present yourself as appropriately vulnerable but not too needy, you shouldn’t reach out at all. But connection doesn’t work like that. Real connection happens in the mess. In the fumbling. In the “I don’t know what I need, I just know I’m struggling.” In the imperfect reach. You’re dealing with two hard things at once. First, your body is experiencing stress. Your boundaries feel violated by whatever is happening in your life right now. Second, your learned response to stress is to pull away and isolate. But that’s the opposite of what actually helps. This is why things feel so hard. You’re not just dealing with external stress. You’re fighting against every instinct that tells you to handle it alone AND do it perfectly. How do I start choosing connection when isolation feels safer? You start small. You start scared. You start messy. You start even when your instinct is screaming at you to pull back and your perfectionism is telling you you’re doing it wrong. Here’s what helps: Take small actions that reduce your sense of helplessness. Rest in ways that actually replenish you, not just distract you. Find communities where imperfection is expected. Watch something that makes you laugh. Practice breathwork or somatic techniques that calm your nervous system. Pay attention to moments of genuine connection, even brief ones. You can take action. You can rest. You can show up imperfectly. You can laugh. You can regulate your nervous system. You can pay attention to connection even when your instinct is to pull away. Even when isolation feels safer, you can choose connection. Even when you’re afraid of doing it wrong, you can reach out anyway. What if I try to connect and it doesn't go perfectly? Then you’ve just proven to yourself that imperfect connection is survivable. You are a critical component of the net. When you reach for connection, even messy connection, you shimmer with gold. You become stronger. Your connections multiply. You become infused with energy and strength you never knew you had. This isn’t blind optimism. This is what leads to post-traumatic growth. This is partly why therapy is so powerful. When you are suffering and you reach for another human for connection and support, something shifts. Connection doesn’t have to be perfect to be powerful. It simply needs to be authentic and real. About Minneapolis based Therapist, Sherri M Herman, MA, LPCC Sherri is a licensed therapist in Minneapolis, Minnesota who works with high-achieving leaders, entrepreneurs, and professionals struggling with burnout, anxiety, perfectionism, and people-pleasing. If you're the one who holds everything together for everyone else, and you're exhausted by it, you're exactly who she works with. She sees clients in person in South Minneapolis and virtually across Minnesota. Learn more. Ready to take the next step? If something here landed for you, I'd love to connect. Schedule a free 20-minute consultation  or send me a question . No commitment required, just a conversation. Or subscribe to get notified when future blog posts are published or when I have a meaningful update to share. If you or someone you know is struggling or in crisis, help is available. Call the NAMI HelpLine: 1-800-950-6264 available Monday through Friday, 10a - 10p, ET OR text "HelpLine" to 62640 or email NAMI at helpline@nami.org . Learn More.  You can also call or text HELP to 988 or chat at 988lifeline.org

Helping others without losing yourself means staying connected to your own needs and values while you show up for the people around you, and it starts with regulating your nervous system. Wait, what does my nervous system have to do with people-pleasing? Everything. When you're a people-pleaser, you've likely spent years training yourself to prioritize other people's needs, emotions, and comfort while deprioritizing your own. You scan for signs of disapproval. You manage other people's feelings. You say yes when you mean no. All of this happens because your nervous system learned early on that your safety depends on keeping others happy. You adapted to survive. But here's the problem: when life feels overwhelming (community crisis, work stress, relationship conflicts, or just the general weight of being responsible for everyone's emotions), your people-pleasing patterns can actually work against you. Because when your nervous system is dysregulated, you can't access your prefrontal cortex. That's the part of your brain behind your forehead that helps you think clearly, make good decisions, and act according to your values. Without access to your executive functioning, you're likely running on auto-pilot and old pattners that don't really serve you or anyone else. So, as a people-pleaser, how do I help others without losing myself? You start by being a good friend to yourself first. I know that sounds backwards. Stay with me. Henri Nouwen wrote: "The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares." Many people-pleasers are exceptional at being this kind of friend to others. You can sit with someone else's pain without trying to fix it. You can tolerate discomfort for the sake of connection. But can you do that for yourself? When you turn on yourself with "I should be doing more, I should have better answers, I should be less affected by all of this," you abandon yourself just like you've been taught to do. Your nervous system registers that criticism as a threat, which keeps you dysregulated, which keeps you people-pleasing. What does being a friend to myself actually look like? Sit with your own confusion and grief without trying to fix it or shame it away. Tolerate not knowing what to do next. Be present with uncomfortable emotions before jumping into action. This isn't indulgence. This is regulation. When you can be present with yourself without judgment, your nervous system begins to find ground. Your body stops operating from a state of threat. And from that place of even slight regulation, you can access your executive functioning. You can think clearly. You can make decisions based on your values instead of your fear. Because here's the truth: fear-driven, automatic reactions when you're overwhelmed can actually cause harm. To you and to others. How does regulating my nervous system help me stay connected to my values? A regulated nervous system gives you options. When you're dysregulated, you're stuck in survival mode. Fight, flight, freeze, or (for people-pleasers) fawn. You react automatically based on old patterns designed to keep you safe. But when you're regulated, you can access your prefrontal cortex. You can pause. You can ask yourself: "What do I actually value here? What matters to me in this situation?" For people-pleasers, this is the difference between helping because you're terrified of disappointing someone and helping because you genuinely want to contribute. One depletes you. The other sustains you. But doesn't focusing on myself mean I'm being selfish? This is where Carl Jung's work on the shadow becomes important. Jung wrote about the shadow as the parts of ourselves we don't want to see or acknowledge. For people-pleasers, part of the shadow includes the capacity to cause harm while trying to help. The ways you abandon yourself to keep others comfortable. The resentment that builds when you never say no. The anger that leaks out sideways because you've suppressed it for so long. That hurts relationships. You're capable of harm. I'm capable of harm. Every single one of us is capable of causing pain (emotional or physical) given the right context and circumstances. This is honesty, not pessimism. And here's the paradox: the more you can see and integrate your own shadow with the light of awareness, the less likely you are to act from it. When you acknowledge that you're capable of harm, that you have needs, that you matter too, you can choose differently. You can set boundaries. You can say no when you need to. You can regulate your own nervous system so you're not expecting others to do it for you. What does value-based helping actually look like? Check in with yourself before you say yes. Ask: "Do I have the capacity for this right now? Does this align with what actually matters to me?" Help from a place of choice rather than obligation. From connection rather than fear. And sometimes, value-based helping means saying no. Taking care of yourself counts as helping your community, even though people-pleasers struggle to believe this. The people around you may also be searching for safety. They may be confused, grieving, overwhelmed. And when you show up regulated, when you can tolerate not knowing alongside someone else without abandoning yourself, you're creating the conditions for co-regulation. That's what we call it in therapy when two nervous systems help each other find ground. When you can stay present with someone else's pain while also staying connected to yourself, you're modeling what real support looks like. Presence, not fixing. Connection, not people-pleasing. A regulated nervous system can discern. It can choose values over reaction. It can act from love instead of fear. And when you help from that place, you don't lose yourself. You actually become more connected to who you are and what you stand for. What does helping from a regulated place actually look like? Here's where the real work begins. Regulating your nervous system and staying connected to yourself isn't the end goal. That's the foundation that allows you to show up for others in ways that actually matter and that may feel very much outside of your comfort zone. When you're regulated and grounded in your values, you can take action that makes a real difference, such as: Having the hard conversation with your sister about her drinking instead of enabling her to keep you comfortable. Volunteering at the organization that aligns with your values even though it means disappointing your Aunt Betty who disagrees with their mission. Speaking up in the meeting when you see something unfair happening, even though your people-pleasing instinct screams at you to stay quiet and keep the peace. Participating in a peaceful protest to demonstrate your solidarity on an important issue. Showing up for your aging parent's doctor appointments and ask the difficult questions about their care. Organizing your neighbors to address the safety issue in your community. Mentoring the struggling colleague even when it takes time away from making yourself look good to your boss. This is what helping looks like when you're connected to your values instead of your fear. You're not managing everyone's comfort. You're not performing goodness to earn approval. You're contributing in ways that align with what actually matters to you, even when it's uncomfortable. The difference is palpable. When you help from fear, you're constantly scanning for whether you did enough, whether they're happy with you, whether you'll be rejected if you stop. When you help from a regulated, values-based place, you know when you're done. You can give fully and then walk away without guilt. You can disappoint someone and survive it. You can prioritize one person's needs over another's based on your values, not based on who will punish you more for saying no. And here's what people-pleasers often don't realize: you become MORE helpful this way, not less. Because you're not scattered across a dozen half-hearted commitments made from fear. You're focused on the contributions that matter to you, showing up with your full presence and capacity. This sounds hard. Where do I even start? Start small. The next time you notice yourself spiraling into "I should" statements, pause. Take three breaths. Ask yourself: "What would a good friend say to me right now?" Not what would make the problem go away. Not what would make you more productive or more helpful or more acceptable. What would a friend who cares say? Maybe: "This is really hard and it makes sense that you're struggling." Maybe: "You don't have to have all the answers right now." Maybe: "You're allowed to not be okay." That's where regulation starts. And regulation gives you access to the executive functioning you need to make values-based decisions instead of fear-based ones. Before you say yes to helping someone, check in with your body. Are you saying yes because you want to, or because you're afraid of what will happen if you don't? Can you help without resentment? Do you have the capacity? Your honest "no" serves everyone better than your resentful "yes." The real work of helping without losing yourself Offering this kind of friendship to yourself creates safety when you need it most. It regulates your nervous system. And it builds the foundation for the courageous, values-based action that actually helps the people you care about. You can skip the people-pleasing. Skip the fixing. Skip managing everyone else's discomfort at the expense of your own wellbeing. Choose real connection instead. Real presence. Real help that comes from a place of choice, not fear. You can be a good friend to yourself, to another person, and to your community. All three at once. But you have to stay connected to yourself first. About Minneapolis based Therapist, Sherri M Herman, MA, LPCC Sherri is a licensed therapist in Minneapolis, Minnesota who works with high-achieving leaders, entrepreneurs, and professionals struggling with burnout, anxiety, perfectionism, and people-pleasing. If you're the one who holds everything together for everyone else, and you're exhausted by it, you're exactly who she works with. She sees clients in person in South Minneapolis and virtually across Minnesota. Learn more. Ready to take the next step? If something here landed for you, I'd love to connect. Schedule a free 20-minute consultation  or send me a question . No commitment required, just a conversation. Or subscribe to get notified when future blog posts are published or when I have a meaningful update to share. If you or someone you know is struggling or in crisis, help is available. Call the NAMI HelpLine: 1-800-950-6264 available Monday through Friday, 10a - 10p, ET OR text "HelpLine" to 62640 or email NAMI at helpline@nami.org . Learn More.  You can also call or text HELP to 988 or chat at 988lifeline.org

You're good at your job. People love working with you because you always come through. You're also the one your friends call when things fall apart. The one your family leans on. The one who figures it out, follows through, and somehow keeps it all together. And you are so tired. Not the kind of tired that sleep fixes. The kind that lives underneath everything. The kind where you go through your whole day doing everything right and still come home feeling like something is wrong with you. Here's what I want you to know: nothing is wrong with you. But something is running the show that you haven't been able to get ahead of yet. And in 15-plus years of sitting with people in my Minneapolis therapy practice, I have watched hundreds of smart, capable, self-aware adults live exactly here. Doing everything right. Still stuck. The pattern most of them share? They cannot say no. This is not a willpower problem. Here's what I've learned in 15-plus years as a licensed therapist in Minneapolis: people-pleasing is not a character flaw. It is not weakness. And it is absolutely not something you can think or will your way out of. People-pleasing is a survival strategy. A really smart one, actually. If you grew up in a home where someone's mood could shift the entire energy of the house, you learned to read the room. Fast. You learned that keeping people happy kept you safe. That conflict was dangerous. That being agreeable, helpful, and available was how you earned love and avoided pain. Your nervous system learned those lessons early. And it is still running them now. So when someone asks you to do something and you feel that pull to say yes even though every part of you wants to say no, that is not your rational brain making a choice. That is an old survival system doing exactly what it was trained to do. Super helpful. Until it's not. The guilt story that floods in the second you even consider saying no. Most people-pleasers describe the same sequence. Someone asks something of them. A tiny voice inside says no. And then, almost immediately, the guilt, shame, or fear story takes over. "They'll be disappointed. They'll think I'm selfish. The relationship won't survive it. It's just easier to say yes." And so they say yes. They feel the brief relief of having avoided conflict. Followed very quickly by resentment. And that low hum of shame for abandoning themselves again. This is the cycle. And it is exhausting to live in it. Recognize it? What's underneath the people-pleasing. I work with a lot of adult children of dysfunctional or alcoholic families. And one of the most common things I see is this: they grew up in a system where their own needs were too much, too risky, or simply not safe to express. So they stopped expressing them. They became the good one. The responsible one. The one who managed everyone else's feelings so they didn't have to feel their own. That becomes a way of life. And it shows up everywhere. In your relationships. Your work. Your body. The chronic fatigue. The resentment that doesn't make sense. The loneliness of being surrounded by people who only know the version of you that says yes to everything. How a therapist helps you break the people-pleasing cycle. I want to be direct with you: setting boundaries does not get easier by white-knuckling through the guilt. It gets easier when your nervous system starts to learn, slowly and with a lot of repetition, that it is survivable to disappoint someone. That the relationship can hold the weight of an honest no. That you are not responsible for managing everyone else's emotional experience. That rewiring takes time. It takes support. It takes someone who understands how deep these patterns actually go, which is why I believe this work is most powerful in therapy, not just in a self-help book. I work with people who are smart, self-aware, and still stuck in patterns they can see but can't seem to change. High achievers. Leaders. People who hold it together for everyone else and are running on empty. That gap between knowing and doing? That's exactly what we work on together, here in Minneapolis, and virtually across Minnesota. About Minneapolis based Therapist, Sherri M Herman, MA, LPCC Sherri is a licensed therapist in Minneapolis, Minnesota who works with high-achieving leaders, entrepreneurs, and professionals struggling with burnout, anxiety, perfectionism, and people-pleasing. If you're the one who holds everything together for everyone else, and you're exhausted by it, you're exactly who she works with. She sees clients in person in South Minneapolis and virtually across Minnesota. Learn more. Ready to take the next step? If something here landed for you, I'd love to connect. Schedule a free 20-minute consultation or send me a question . No commitment required, just a conversation. Or subscribe to get notified when future blog posts are published or when I have a meaningful update to share. If you or someone you know is struggling or in crisis, help is available. Call the NAMI HelpLine: 1-800-950-6264 available Monday through Friday, 10a - 10p, ET OR text "HelpLine" to 62640 or email NAMI at helpline@nami.org . Learn More.  You can also call or text HELP to 988 or chat at 988lifeline.org

The vast majority of people that I've worked with in my psychotherapy practice for more than a decade want to feel more peace. In fact, I've known very few people in general who don't wish to have more peace in their life (myself included!). So I've been paying close attention to what actually makes a difference. And I've discovered 5 habits that you don't want to ignore. I've explored what the research has to say about it, what science can contribute, and where spirituality has an impact. While I do personally practice these strategies, I will never claim to have them down perfectly. But I honestly don't think you need to practice them perfectly in order to experience significant benefit. Just getting started makes all the difference. 1) Feeling connected to a loving Higher Guidance. According to research, you don’t need to believe in God or belong to a religion in order to feel at peace. So if God or formal religion doesn’t work for you, that’s a-okay. What does promote peace is feeling connected to something greater than yourself, an energy or concept of love, compassion, and wisdom that is an ever present, guiding, and reliable force in your life. 2):   Practicing embodiment. Embodiment means being in and consciously connected to your body. You’re aware of the sensations in your body, you’re aware of your breathing, and you’re aware of your emotions. When you are consciously connected and present to your body, then you are able to regulate or manage your thoughts and feelings with greater ease.  3) : Defining what matters most to you. Having clarity on your aspirations, the kind of person you want to be, the kind of life you want to live, and the kind of impact you want to have in the world helps with decision making and gives you a deeper sense of meaning and purpose. When you know who you are and what you are about, you no longer need to turn to other people for every little thing. Yes, sometimes it’s still helpful to seek wise counsel. However, you will experience more inner peace when you know who you are, what you stand for, and what you want, and then act accordingly. 4) : Developing a healthy relationship with yourself. In order to cultivate healthy relationships with other people, you need to cultivate a healthy relationship with yourself. Your relationship with yourself is the foundation of all other relationships. Your external relationships actually mirror your internal relationship with yourself. So if your external relationships cause you a lot of stress, it’s time to go inward and get in right relationship with yourself. 5): Building trust. Peace is an absolute impossibility without trust. Without trust, we remain in a state of fear. For example, if I don’t trust that the chair I’m sitting on is going to hold me up, I’m going to spend a lot of emotional and mental energy fearing the chair falling out from under me. If I'm talking with a friend, I won't even be paying attention to what they're saying because I'll be too busy thinking about the chair. But when I trust that the chair going to hold me, I feel safe, secure, and free to just be myself. This is the kind of relationship we want to have with ourselves and our Higher Power. Solid trust creates freedom and peace. While none of these practices require perfection, simply taking the first steps toward implementing them can have a huge impact on your life satisfaction and sense of well-being. Remember, peace isn't found in the absence of challenges but how we respond to them. It's in our capacity to navigate them with grace, resilience, and trust. About Minneapolis based Therapist, Sherri M Herman, MA, LPCC Sherri is a licensed therapist in Minneapolis, Minnesota who works with high-achieving leaders, entrepreneurs, and professionals struggling with burnout, anxiety, perfectionism, and people-pleasing. If you're the one who holds everything together for everyone else, and you're exhausted by it, you're exactly who she works with. She sees clients in person in South Minneapolis and virtually across Minnesota. Learn more. Ready to take the next step? If something here landed for you, I'd love to connect. Schedule a free 20-minute consultation  or send me a question . No commitment required, just a conversation. Subscribe to get notified when future blog posts are published or when I have a meaningful update to share. If you or someone you know is struggling or in crisis, help is available. Call the NAMI HelpLine: 1-800-950-6264 available Monday through Friday, 10a - 10p, ET OR text "HelpLine" to 62640 or email NAMI at helpline@nami.org . Learn More.  You can also call or text HELP to 988 or chat at 988lifeline.org ​

Are you struggling with feeling alone this Feb 14th? Valentine's Day can be a tough time for many people, whether you’re single or not.  It's easy to get caught up in the romanticized version of the holiday portrayed in movies and on social media, where love is depicted as grand gestures and fairy-tale romance. But the reality for many of us is quite different. I, too, have grappled with this day since I first understood its significance. Whether I'm single or partnered, my mind always floods with unrealistic expectations about what my Valentine's Day "should" look like (thank you, Hollywood). However, there’s one spiritual practice that makes all the difference for me when I have been or have felt alone on Valentine's Day. Instead of dwelling on unrealistic expectations and feeling even more isolated, let me share with you how you can shift your perspective and find love and fulfillment within yourself this Valentine's Day. One thing I've learned that makes Valentine’s Day more tolerable and even enjoyable for me is recognizing that most of my thoughts and expectations have nothing to do with reality. And in order for me to recognize this, there’s one spiritual practice I come back to over and over: mindfulness . Before you roll your eyes at another mention of mindfulness practice, hang in there with me. There's a reason I will always reinforce mindfulness practice: because it works. It really, really does. I've been practicing mindfulness for over 10 years, and I can no longer live without it. But unfortunately, it doesn’t work if you only read about it or think about it. The scientific studies on mindfulness are impossible to ignore. Not only can mindfulness practice lower blood pressure, improve sleep, decrease depression and anxiety, but when practiced regularly, mindfulness has been shown to reduce our reactivity to our thoughts and emotions. I personally practice mindfulness in the American Zen Buddhist tradition. This means that I sit in silence, usually staring at a blank wall or the floor, and I just let my thoughts and feelings come and go without trying to change anything. It’s like sitting in a river and just letting everything float on by. Sitting meditation is not the only form of mindfulness practice. You can practice mindfulness while walking, cleaning, eating, or really doing anything; it’s all about how you engage with the moment. Will mindfulness solve all of your problems? No. Will mindfulness make you feel perfectly calm and peaceful all of the time? No. What does this have to do with Valentine’s Day and loneliness, you ask? Truthfully, mindfulness can help you face reality with greater clarity which gives you more space to respond to yourself with acceptance and compassion, and then take action based on what truly matters most to you. Mindfulness can help you respond to the moment with intention and care rather than being purely reactive to every little thought that floats across your mind, including those pesky unrealistic expectations about Valentine’s Day. Above all, mindfulness practice can really help you stay connected to your true self, beneath your fluttering ego.  When you are connected to your true self, you can feel more connected to your loving Higher Power and the loving energy that is within you always. As you navigate through this Valentine's Day, remember that the greatest love you can ever experience is the love you cultivate within yourself. Mindfulness practice offers a pathway to deepen this love by allowing you to experience some freedom from your thoughts and emotions. Through mindfulness, you can develop a profound connection with your true self, free from the constraints of external expectations and judgments. So, as you sit in stillness or engage mindfully in your daily activities, embrace the opportunity to nurture a relationship of unconditional love and kindness with yourself. This Valentine's Day, let mindfulness be your guide as you embark on a journey of self-discovery, self-compassion, and profound self-love. If you’re interested in beginning a mindfulness practice, here are 5 tips to help you get started: Decide on an activity that will become the cornerstone of your mindfulness practice. This could be sitting, walking, doing dishes, sweeping, etc. Start small. Begin with any length of time that feels comfortable, such as 5 or 10 minutes, and increase your time incrementally as you feel more comfortable. Be specific about when you will practice. Decide when in your day you will do your practice each day. Be consistent in your practice. Life happens and sometimes you miss a day, but try to not miss two or more days in a row. Be kind to yourself and keep coming back. Mindfulness is a skill and like learning any new skill, it takes practice, patience, and persistence. I'd love to hear your thoughts! Share in the comments below. About Minneapolis based Therapist, Sherri M Herman, MA, LPCC Sherri is a licensed therapist in Minneapolis, Minnesota who works with high-achieving leaders, entrepreneurs, and professionals struggling with burnout, anxiety, perfectionism, and people-pleasing. If you're the one who holds everything together for everyone else, and you're exhausted by it, you're exactly who she works with. She sees clients in person in South Minneapolis and virtually across Minnesota. Learn more. Ready to take the next step? If something here landed for you, I'd love to connect. Schedule a free 20-minute consultation  or send me a question . No commitment required, just a conversation. Subscribe to get notified when future blog posts are published or when I have a meaningful update to share. If you or someone you know is struggling or in crisis, help is available. Call the NAMI HelpLine: 1-800-950-6264 available Monday through Friday, 10a - 10p, ET OR text "HelpLine" to 62640 or email NAMI at helpline@nami.org . Learn More.  You can also call or text HELP to 988 or chat at 988lifeline.org ​

Don’t you love going out to eat by yourself? No, of course you don’t. Almost nobody does. Because you know what happens? Your mind bombards you with thoughts about being a loser, a loner, a weirdo, and the list so goes. You are consumed with ideas of how other people must be judging you negatively. If your thoughts weren’t such a problem, how do you imagine your solo experiences would be different? Learning how to deeply enjoy your time alone does not mean you’ll end up doing everything alone forever. Furthermore, enjoying your alone time doesn’t mean you’ll never again enjoy being with other people. I know you want to spend time with other people and you want to enjoy it... and I want you to. That's why I'm here to help. I've developed a genuine appreciation for solo activities, leading to greater enjoyment and fulfillment in my interactions with others. I’ve come to appreciate both my alone time and my social time. But it didn’t always come easy. For much of my life, doing things with other people felt just as uncomfortable as doing things alone. Living that way felt like living in a torture chamber that I didn’t know I was in. I felt terribly alone and lonely at every corner. What truly worked for me was changing my relationship with  my thoughts. I learned how to stop taking every thought literally. I learned how to let my thoughts roll across my mind like clouds floating across the sky, particularly the unhelpful ones. I didn’t try to get rid of the clouds or try to turn them into roses, but I learned to just let them float on by. Once I learned how to do that, everything changed. Am I perfect at it? Definitely not. Do I still get hung up by an occasional cloud? Absolutely. But my experience is about a thousand times better than it used to be.  When I stopped giving so much of my attention to all of those clouds and believing that they're all factual and permanent, it created space for real enjoyment. Now, when I go out by myself, I enjoy the opportunity to observe my surroundings, allowing my curiosity to guide me as I take in the sights and sounds around me. It gives me an opportunity to be more present and connected with myself and my direct experience of the moment. As a result of these practices, I have become more present and connected when I do spend time with other people. As you reflect on your journey towards embracing solo experiences, consider this: just like a cloud floating across the sky, your thoughts may drift in and out, but they do not define you and they certainly don’t hold the truth. By learning to let these thoughts float on by, you create space for genuine enjoyment and fulfillment in your alone time. While the path to embracing solitude may not always be easy, it offers the opportunity for profound freedom and connection with yourself.  As you continue on this journey, remember that each moment spent alone is an opportunity to cultivate a deeper sense of presence and connection, both with yourself and with the world around you. So, embrace your alone time with curiosity and openness, and allow it to enrich your experiences, both solo and with others. I'd love to hear your thoughts! Share in the comments below. About Minneapolis based Therapist, Sherri M Herman, MA, LPCC Sherri is a licensed therapist in Minneapolis, Minnesota who works with high-achieving leaders, entrepreneurs, and professionals struggling with burnout, anxiety, perfectionism, and people-pleasing. If you're the one who holds everything together for everyone else, and you're exhausted by it, you're exactly who she works with. She sees clients in person in South Minneapolis and virtually across Minnesota. Learn more. Ready to take the next step? If something here landed for you, I'd love to connect. Schedule a free 20-minute consultation  or send me a question . No commitment required, just a conversation. Subscribe to get notified when future blog posts are published or when I have a meaningful update to share. If you or someone you know is struggling or in crisis, help is available. Call the NAMI HelpLine: 1-800-950-6264 available Monday through Friday, 10a - 10p, ET OR text "HelpLine" to 62640 or email NAMI at helpline@nami.org . Learn More.  You can also call or text HELP to 988 or chat at 988lifeline.org ​

In her book, The Gifts of Imperfection , researcher and author Brené Brown, Ph.D, says, “Perfectionism is a self-destructive and addictive belief system that fuels this primary thought: If I look perfect and do everything perfectly, I can avoid or minimize the painful feelings of blame, judgment, and shame.” I’m going to share with you one of my crash-and-burn experience with perfectionism, explain the connection between perfectionism and loneliness, help you recognize if you have the perfectionism bug, and provide you with a winning strategy to overcome perfectionism. I got married the first time in my early twenties. I thought that if I was married, I’d be doing life the right and perfect way and it would mean that I was good, lovable, and worthy of approval. After several “failed” relationships, I was finally matched up by a family member. I thought to myself, “Yes, this is the right way.” I was so focused on executing what I thought was the perfect plan to gain approval and love, I had no idea that I wasn't even close to being ready for marriage. I really didn’t know how to have a healthy relationship with another person because I had a deeply unhealthy relationship with myself. Long story short, we divorced less than two years later and this crash-and-burn experience drove me into a deeper hole of loneliness. I felt like the biggest failure on the planet and experienced a lot of shame.  Fewer things are lonelier than being trapped in the pursuit of perfectionism but to the untrained eye, it can look like ultimate success and fulfillment on the outside. Perfectionism is a creative yet controlling and stifling coping strategy born out of feelings of shame, insecurity, and unworthiness. This strategy usually begins in childhood, often as a result of nature and nurture, and, left unchecked, carries forward into adulthood. While perfectionism can have some benefits and rewards leading to material success or social status, it’s ultimately a losing strategy when it comes to your long-term health and relationships. Research suggests that those who struggle with perfectionism are more likely to experience depression, social hopelessness, and loneliness. When you think about it, it makes perfect sense. If you are focused on trying to be perfect, you'll miss out on genuine and authentic connection and presence with yourself and others, which is what your heart truly longs for and is the key to overcoming loneliness. Perfectionism ends up doing the opposite of what you hope for, it leaves you with an abundance of shame and a scarcity of love; it gives rise to deep loneliness and even addictive behaviors that keep you stuck in the cycle. Is perfectionism lurking in the background of your mind? Here are some questions to ask yourself:  Do you agonize over details until they’re just right? Do you more easily see problems than solutions? Are you often worried about how other people think about you? Do you get down on yourself for making even the smallest mistakes? Do you feel like nothing you do is ever good enough, no matter how hard you try, even when others praise your work? If you answered yes to one or more of these questions, you may struggle with perfectionism. Just so you know, you’re in good company and these patterns don’t have to rule your life. Vulnerability and self-compassion are key components of developing a loving relationship with yourself and help you move from approval-based living to value-based living. You can breathe again because you’re living with a solid foundation of security and love within yourself that isn’t dependent on perfect performance or on the perceptions of others. This is a recipe for real connection and lasting love. The next time you find your perfectionism ruling over a situation that is literally not life or death, pause for a moment and pull back from the task at hand. Practice this exercise of self-connection: Check in with your body to see how it’s feeling and check in with how you’re breathing.  Regulate your breathing. Tell yourself, “I’ve gotten caught up in perfectionism again. This is hard to change. I feel ______. I need ______. I love you.”  Take 5 deep breaths. Decide what matters most right now and proceed accordingly.  Let me know how it goes. About Minneapolis based Therapist, Sherri M Herman, MA, LPCC Sherri is a licensed therapist in Minneapolis, Minnesota who works with high-achieving leaders, entrepreneurs, and professionals struggling with burnout, anxiety, perfectionism, and people-pleasing. If you're the one who holds everything together for everyone else, and you're exhausted by it, you're exactly who she works with. She sees clients in person in South Minneapolis and virtually across Minnesota. Learn more. Ready to take the next step? If something here landed for you, I'd love to connect. Schedule a free 20-minute consultation  or send me a question . No commitment required, just a conversation. Subscribe to get notified when future blog posts are published or when I have a meaningful update to share. If you or someone you know is struggling or in crisis, help is available. Call the NAMI HelpLine: 1-800-950-6264 available Monday through Friday, 10a - 10p, ET OR text "HelpLine" to 62640 or email NAMI at helpline@nami.org . Learn More.  You can also call or text HELP to 988 or chat at 988lifeline.org ​

Have you ever had that experience of feeling alone in a crowded room? Have you ever been in a group but felt like an outsider struggling to connect? I’ve been there many times, in fact, I spent most of my life feeling that way.  If you’ve ever felt like you're on the outskirts of your own life, yearning for connection but unable to find it, stick with me. I’m going to share with you how the generally recommended advice failed me, I'll dive into the link between social anxiety and loneliness, and I'll leave you with some recommendations if you think you might struggle with social anxiety. Several years ago when I was newly divorced and feeling exceptionally lonely, I began regularly attending a very large Church in my community. Intellectually I knew that being in community and developing new relationships was an important factor in overcoming loneliness.  I chose this particular Church because the values of the Church were in alignment with my own and it seemed to have a great Sunday School program for my son. I was excited to be a part of a large community with shared values, I loved the sermons, and my son really enjoyed his Sunday School experiences.  However, week after week, I felt more and more lonely when I attended. While I got so much out of the sermon itself, the coffee hour left me feeling deeply sad and lonely. I looked around and saw many families, couples, grandparents, and so many people who already seemed to be good friends.  As a single, divorced mom, I didn’t feel like I fit in. Everyone seemed to be engaged with each other and I felt entirely invisible. Even if someone spoke to me, I just assumed they were “being nice” because they felt sorry for me. I ended up feeling more alone and lonely than if I hadn’t gone at all. Have you ever had an experience like that? I eventually stopped going to that thriving Church. Not because there was anything wrong with that community but because I couldn’t make a connection. I wasn’t willing to reach out to someone new and start a conversation. I felt too much anxiety at continuing a conversation that someone had started with me; I didn’t know what to say and I feared anything I said sounded stupid. I felt too intimidated to join a small group. I stayed on the sidelines because I felt small, insignificant, invisible, and deeply unworthy on the inside. My mind bombarded me with so many thoughts of doubt and negative self-judgment and they won.  My friend, if you’re anything like me I want you to know that you’re not alone. I see you.  The vast majority of experts on loneliness recommend that if you’re feeling lonely, you should surround yourself with a supportive community. “Get into community” is what they always say. That solution truly does work for so many people, which is why it’s so popular. However, it doesn’t work for everyone for a variety of reasons. I’m here for the people that the message, “Get into community,” doesn’t  work for.  It’s simply not always that easy to just “get into community.” In fact, I feel frustrated every time I see that recommendation. The recommendation to increase community connection lacks insight into the complexities of one’s relationship with one’s self (internal connection) and how this directly impacts social relationships (external connections).  There is a tremendous body of research linking social-anxiety and loneliness. If you experience social-anxiety, you’re more likely to experience loneliness. However, loneliness does not typically precede social-anxiety. If you don’t feel worthy enough to connect with other people, or experience a lot of self-doubt, negative self-judgment, or deeply fear negative judgment from others, simply joining a community is not likely to be helpful. In fact, if you struggle with negative self-judgment, joining a community can make you feel worse. It can exacerbate feelings of loneliness, fear, and shame, leading to a downward spiral. I’ve seen it time and time again in myself and so many of my clients.  Overcoming any level of social anxiety requires: 1) A change in relationship with your thoughts 2) A change in relationship with your feelings 3) A change in behavior.  Together, these three critical changes comprise a change in relationship with yourself . One needs to shift from a relationship dominated by fear and judgment to a relationship that is driven by acceptance and love.  Your external relationships are a mirror of your internal relationship with yourself. How you imagine others will think of you is a reflection of how you think of yourself. If you struggle with negative self-judgment, you are more likely to fear negative judgements from others. When you practice loving self-acceptance, you are more likely to feel accepted and belonging in general.  When you experience social-anxiety and want to experience more satisfying, connected, and meaningful relationships with others, developing a more accepting, compassionate, and loving relationship with yourself is critical. When I look back now at my earlier experiences of trying to join that Church community, I can see so clearly that, until my relationship with myself changed, I wasn’t going to make much headway on developing new connections. I was too blocked by my own negative self-judgment and unworthiness to even think that other people could be accepting of me.  I still struggle with some of these issues but not nearly as much as I used to. I currently work for a very large Church while I'm also personally a member of a more intimate faith community. The past version of me, before I re-worked my relationship with myself, would have been far too scared to touch either of these communities with a ten-foot pole. If you’re curious about your own level of possible social-anxiety, you can learn more here  and even access a freely available screening tool online. Please be aware that this tool is not intended to diagnose, treat or cure any mental health disorder. It is simply a screening tool that may be able to help you determine if you need additional support from a qualified professional. It’s important for me to note that social-anxiety, like many other conditions, exists on a spectrum and not all levels of social-anxiety warrant a clinical diagnosis or clinical treatment. It all depends on the intensity and duration of your fear and avoidance, and how it does or does not impact your ability to function in your daily life and relationships. Only a qualified mental health professional can effectively diagnose Social-Anxiety Disorder. If you think you need the support of a therapist, you can contact your primary care doctor or your health insurance provider for a referral. You can also check out web-based resources like PsychologyToday.com or BetterHelp.com to find a therapist in your area (I don't receive any kickbacks for these recommendations). Most importantly, I want you to know that if you struggle with cultivating connections with others, you’re not alone and it’s not your fault. I’m with you and I’m here for you. About Minneapolis based Therapist, Sherri M Herman, MA, LPCC Sherri is a licensed therapist in Minneapolis, Minnesota who works with high-achieving leaders, entrepreneurs, and professionals struggling with burnout, anxiety, perfectionism, and people-pleasing. If you're the one who holds everything together for everyone else, and you're exhausted by it, you're exactly who she works with. She sees clients in person in South Minneapolis and virtually across Minnesota. Learn more. Ready to take the next step? If something here landed for you, I'd love to connect. Schedule a free 20-minute consultation  or send me a question . No commitment required, just a conversation. Subscribe to get notified when future blog posts are published or when I have a meaningful update to share. If you or someone you know is struggling or in crisis, help is available. Call the NAMI HelpLine: 1-800-950-6264 available Monday through Friday, 10a - 10p, ET OR text "HelpLine" to 62640 or email NAMI at helpline@nami.org . Learn More.  You can also call or text HELP to 988 or chat at 988lifeline.org ​

Have you struggled with trusting yourself after divorce? If so, you’d be normal.  Society puts the forever-marriage on a pedestal.  My maternal grandparents were married for 65 years when my grandfather passed away. They were together for a total of about 72 years. According to our culture, they won the marriage lottery. And maybe they did. But my friend, it’s time to stop comparing. Part of rebuilding your trust in yourself is trusting that you’re on the exact right path for your life. You were born in a different era and a different culture. You never were, and never have been, dependent on marriage for survival or love. It’s time to give up the assumption that you need to be married (and stay married) in order to be worthy of love, trustworthiness, and to be a good person. Honest people get divorced. It takes a hell of a lot of honesty, courage, integrity, and humility to admit that something isn’t working. Or maybe that you're being mistreated, or that you got married for the wrong reasons, that you’re living a lie, that you got married when you were living unconsciously, or that you hate what your life has become, etc. It doesn't matter. What matters is that you got honest with yourself and you took action. Some people stay in a miserable marriage for years just so they can fulfill an image of happiness and perfection, meanwhile, their soul is starving for true connection. That is an incredibly lonely life. And as you may already know, chronic loneliness can shave years off your life (nearly 30%) and drastically increase the risk factors of a myriad of health problems including dementia. Staying in an unworkable marriage to manage other peoples' perceptions of you and your life isn’t worth the cost. Good and trustworthy people don’t stay married. Whaa? Hold up - hear me out. I’m not saying that people who stay married aren’t trustworthy people (although sometimes they’re not). I’m saying that you don’t lose your trustworthiness or goodness as a person simply because you have divorced.  On the contrary, if you are divorced, it means you honored yourself by asking for the divorce or you honored your former spouse by giving them the divorce that they wanted or needed to be a whole person. That is very trustworthy. Divorce is actually a very loving and trusting thing to do. Yes, I said it. Divorce is a loving thing to do because it relinquishes control. I think it was Gandhi who said that any attempt to control another is an act of violence (but I’m not able to confirm the source at this time). But I would add, that sentiment goes for your relationship with yourself.  I’m saying, you can trust yourself even more because of where you are. You’ve gone through some seriously hard times and have made some seriously hard choices. And you’re still here. You’re obviously interested in your own growth as a person, otherwise you wouldn’t be reading this. That tells me that you can trust yourself to make wise decisions for your life.  It’s not your fault. The family system you grew up in plays a significant role in how you experience relationships and view marriage. If getting married and staying married was highly valued, like it was in my family, then you are more likely to have married to get  love, approval, and worthiness rather than marrying from  that a place of love, approval, and worthiness. If you were raised in an environment where your feelings, wants, and needs were dismissed, shamed, or minimized, then you were unconsciously trained to dismiss or minimize them within yourself . This pattern will typically be re-created in your relationships because it lives within you. Like-attracts-like, so you were also highly likely to marry someone who embodies those similar emotional-behavioral patterns. Without intervention, these types of patterns are more likely to lead to a very unhappy marriage and/or divorce. Can you see how this isn’t your fault? You didn’t get to choose the system you were raised in (and neither did your caregivers). You didn’t get to choose who you were attracted to. You didn’t get to choose the emotional behavioral patterns that were “installed” in you as a child.  We look in the rearview mirror for understanding not for blame or pointing fingers. We look back so we can see, learn, and then move forward differently.  You get to decide now.  Now that you know what you know, you get to decide what’s working for you and what’s not, meaning, what’s adding to your joy in life or what is stealing it. What's energizing and what's draining? You get to decide what you want to change or not. You get to decide what values matter most to you and to what extent you want those values to guide your life.  You get to decide what kinds of relationships you want in your life, including the most important relationship in your life: the one with yourself.  You are worthy of love and respect no matter what. The task of rebuilding trust in yourself after divorce is multifaceted. It involves embracing acceptance, understanding, and a willingness to see yourself, your relationships, and your life in a new light. The old light doesn’t work anymore. Self-compassion plays a pivotal role in this process. Rather than berating yourself for perceived past mistakes or perceived shortcomings, practice kindness and understanding towards yourself by recognizing that you are always learning and we are all doing life for the first time.  There is no one, right and true way.  Healing from divorce is not a linear process.  There may always be some moments of doubt, loneliness, and fear. However, by trusting in yourself and your innate wisdom, you can navigate these challenges with grace, ease, and resilience.  Remember that you are not alone on this journey. Seek support from trusted friends, family members, you Higher Guidance/Higher Power, and/or professionals who can offer guidance and encouragement along the way. About Minneapolis based Therapist, Sherri M Herman, MA, LPCC Sherri is a licensed therapist in Minneapolis, Minnesota who works with high-achieving leaders, entrepreneurs, and professionals struggling with burnout, anxiety, perfectionism, and people-pleasing. If you're the one who holds everything together for everyone else, and you're exhausted by it, you're exactly who she works with. She sees clients in person in South Minneapolis and virtually across Minnesota. Learn more. Ready to take the next step? If something here landed for you, I'd love to connect. Schedule a free 20-minute consultation  or send me a question . No commitment required, just a conversation. Subscribe to get notified when future blog posts are published or when I have a meaningful update to share. If you or someone you know is struggling or in crisis, help is available. Call the NAMI HelpLine: 1-800-950-6264 available Monday through Friday, 10a - 10p, ET OR text "HelpLine" to 62640 or email NAMI at helpline@nami.org . Learn More.  You can also call or text HELP to 988 or chat at 988lifeline.org ​