Setting boundaries is not selfish—it’s a healthy way to protect your energy, honor your needs, and create more genuine relationships. Why does setting boundaries feel selfish? If you grew up in a family where saying No wasn’t allowed or where your worth was tied to pleasing others, boundaries might feel like rejection or selfishness. In reality, boundaries are about honesty and respect. They let people know what you can give and what you can’t. Without them, you risk resentment, burnout, and inauthentic connection. No thank you. Feeling guilty about boundaries doesn’t mean you’re being selfish. That's what we call misplaced guilt. It’s actually a signal from your inner self that you’re stretching beyond what feels natural, often because old programming is being challenged. What are healthy boundaries in relationships? Healthy boundaries are clear, respectful lines you draw to protect your emotional, physical, and mental well-being (and sometimes safety!). They’re not walls; they’re guardrails. Boundaries in relationships help you stay connected without losing yourself. Examples include: Saying no when your plate is already full. Asking for space when you feel overwhelmed. Expecting honesty instead of tolerating half-truths. Protecting your time so you can rest or focus on what matters most to you. Boundaries show others how to love and respect you while helping you stay grounded in your own values. Is setting boundaries selfish in close relationships? It can feel harder to set boundaries with the people you love most—partners, parents, kids, or close friends. You may worry that limits will push them away. In truth, clear boundaries often strengthen closeness. Why? Because resentment and exhaustion destroy connection far more than honesty does. Think of it this way: when you respect your own limits, you can show up with more presence and care. That’s not selfish—it’s sustainable love. Why do I feel so guilty about boundaries? Guilt about boundaries is common. And if you aren't practiced in setting boundaries, feeling guilt is part of the deal. There's no getting around it. Many people feel torn between meeting their own needs and keeping everyone else happy. That guilt doesn’t mean you’re doing something wrong, it's simply your nervous system adjusting to a new way of relating. Over time, practicing boundaries consistently teaches your brain and body that it’s safe to honor yourself. It becomes the new norm. Try reframing guilt as evidence of growth: I’m learning a healthier way, and this discomfort means I’m moving in the right direction. How to set healthy boundaries without pushing people away? Boundaries can feel intimidating, but they don’t have to be harsh. Here are some practical steps: Get clear on your limits.  Ask yourself: What drains me? What restores me?  This helps you know where to draw the line. Use simple language.  Boundaries don’t need long explanations. Example: “I can’t stay late tonight”  or “I need to take a break from this conversation.” Stay calm and kind.  Boundaries aren’t about punishing others—they’re about caring for yourself. Be consistent.  The more steady you are, the more others learn to respect your needs. Expect mixed reactions.  Not everyone will applaud your boundaries, especially if they benefited from you having none. That doesn’t mean you’re wrong. --> Let me repeat that: just because someone is upset with you doesn't mean you're wrong. What if someone doesn’t respect my boundaries? When someone repeatedly ignores your limits, it’s information about the relationship. It may mean you need to restate the boundary more clearly, reinforce it with action, or reconsider how much access this person gets to your time and energy. Respectful people will adjust, even if it takes time. Disrespectful people may push back—and that’s useful to notice. Is that the kind of relationship you want in your life? How do emotional boundaries protect me? Emotional boundaries keep you from carrying what isn’t yours. Without them, you might take on other people’s moods, problems, or expectations as if they were your responsibility. Emotional boundaries sound like: “I care about you and your feelings, but your feelings are not mine to fix.” “I’m here to listen, but I can’t solve this for you.” Protecting your emotional space allows you to show empathy without drowning in someone else’s storm. Final thought Setting boundaries isn’t selfish—it’s honest. Boundaries create space for healthier relationships, less resentment, and more energy for what matters most. The discomfort of guilt or pushback is simply part of rewiring old habits. With practice, boundaries stop feeling like rejection and start feeling like respect. Ready to practice honoring your limits without guilt? Sometimes the strengths that once helped you survive—like always saying yes or putting others first—become the very things that drain you today. Want to find out which hidden strength is costing you the most? FREE QUIZ Discover Your Super Power that’s Secretly Draining You   If you’re feeling drained, it may be because you’re operating in your “superpower mode” that once helped you survive but now quietly sucks you dry. I created a free quiz to help you name yours—and see how to step out of it.

The way to heal from past trauma isn’t about changing what happened—it’s about how you care for yourself now. What does it mean to heal from past trauma? Healing doesn’t mean forgetting, pretending it didn’t matter, or erasing your history. Healing means learning how to live in today without the past running every decision, reaction, or relationship. Past pain leaves marks on your nervous system, your self-worth, and your sense of safety. Healing is about tending to those marks with compassion and giving yourself now what you didn’t get back then. Feeling the weight of the past doesn’t mean something is wrong with you. It means you're actually listening to yourself and not living in a state of denial or suppression. That's a good thing. Why do old experiences still affect me so much? Your brain and body are wired to remember pain because that's exactly how you learn to stay safe. If you were hurt, neglected, or betrayed, your nervous system took notes: don’t trust too quickly, stay alert, keep control.  Those patterns may have helped you survive, but now they show up in ways that hold you back—overthinking, shutting down, or bracing for rejection even when the present is safe. This doesn’t mean you’re weak. It means your system is still (brilliantly) doing what it learned long ago, and it hasn’t yet realized that you have more tools now or that you're in a new, safer situation. How to heal from past trauma when I can’t undo it? You can’t go back and re-write the story, but you can change how you carry it. Here are a few practices that actually help: Acknowledge instead of avoid.  The more you push the past away, the louder it gets. Saying, “Yes, this hurt me”  is the first step to loosening its grip. Rebuild safety in your body.  Trauma lives in the nervous system. Practices like steady breathing, grounding exercises, or mindful movement remind your body that you are safe now. Give language to your experience.  Journaling, therapy, or even talking with a trusted friend helps organize your memories and feelings so they stop swirling inside. Separate past from present.  Notice when your reactions are about then  rather than now.  Gently remind yourself: This is a different moment. I have choices now. Offer yourself compassion.  The younger you who lived through the pain needed care. You can give that to yourself today in small, practical ways—rest, kindness, patience. What if I feel stuck and can’t let go of the past? Feeling stuck is common. Sometimes it feels like the past keeps replaying no matter what you do. This doesn’t mean healing is impossible. It means you might need a new angle... and perhaps to trust that because you're reading this, you're not stuck (I know it!): Shift focus from “why” to “what now.”  Instead of asking why it happened, ask what you need in this moment to feel supported. Look for small wins.  Healing doesn’t come all at once. Every time you pause, take a breath, or choose not to spiral, that’s progress. Challenge the belief that healing means excusing.  You can acknowledge what happened was wrong and still choose to stop letting it hold power over you. What are some emotional healing steps I can try today? If you want to start right away, try these practical steps: Ground yourself.  Place your feet on the floor, notice your breath, and look around the room. Remind yourself: I am here, now. Write a letter you won’t send.  Say everything you never got to say. Release it onto paper. Nurture your body.  Trauma healing isn’t just mental—good sleep, steady meals, and movement create the foundation for emotional repair. Seek connection.  Pain isolates. Healing grows in safe, steady relationships where you can practice trust. What if my past trauma feels too big to face alone? Then it makes sense to reach for support. Therapy, support groups, or coaching can help you hold what feels overwhelming and guide you through tools you may not have access to on your own. Healing doesn’t have to happen in isolation—in fact, connection often does what self-help cannot. Final thought You cannot change what happened in the past, but you can  change how much power it has over your present. Healing past pain means responding to yourself with the steadiness, safety, and care that may have been missing back then. Every small step you take is proof that healing is possible. Take the next step toward healing. If you often feel weighed down by old wounds, you don’t have to keep carrying them alone. Sometimes the strengths that once protected you end up draining you today. Curious which hidden strength is wearing you out? FREE QUIZ Discover Your Super Power that’s Secretly Draining You   If you’re feeling stuck, it may be because you’re operating in your “superpower mode” that once helped you survive but now quietly drains your energy. I created a free quiz to help you name yours—and see how to step out of it.

If you keep sabotaging your relationships, it doesn’t mean you're broken. But there is likely some healing that's needed and some patterns that need interrupting. What does it mean to sabotage a relationship? Relationship self-sabotage happens when you unconsciously create distance or conflict, even when you want closeness. This can look like picking fights, shutting down emotionally, overanalyzing every text, or convincing yourself the other person doesn’t really care. These behaviors often push people away, which reinforces the very fear you’re carrying inside. Feeling stuck in this cycle doesn’t mean you’re doomed in love. I was stuck in this cycle for years but was able to heal out of it and marry the love of my life. These are likely patterns that you learned in your family of origin. It's how you learned to connect. And, it’s your inner self waving a flag, telling you that old patterns and unhealed wounds are running the show. Why do I sabotage my relationships? There are several reasons people fall into emotional sabotage: Fear of intimacy.  Getting close feels risky, so you protect yourself by pulling back before someone else can hurt you. Low self-worth.  You might not believe you deserve a healthy, steady relationship, so you act in ways that match that belief. Unresolved childhood patterns.  If you grew up in a home where love felt inconsistent or unsafe, your nervous system may still be wired for chaos or withdrawal. Control.  Sometimes self-sabotage feels like control—ending things before the other person does. Each of these reasons is a clue, not a life sentence. Once you spot the patterns, you can begin to shift them. How do I know if I’m sabotaging instead of just protecting myself? It can be tricky to tell the difference. Protection is healthy when someone disrespects you, crosses your boundaries, or mistreats you. Sabotage, on the other hand, shows up when you feel anxious, overthink, or push someone away even though the relationship is safe. A good litmus test is this: are you reacting to the person in front of you  or to fears and memories from the past? If your response feels bigger than the moment, it’s likely sabotage, not protection. Can relationship self-sabotage be unlearned? Absolutely. Just as you learned to protect yourself in unhealthy ways, you can learn healthier ones. The first step is awareness—noticing when you’re about to shut down, lash out, or retreat into silence. Then, you can pause and choose a different action, even something small like taking a breath or asking yourself, What do I really need right now? What practical steps help stop breaking relationship patterns? Here are a few clear steps you can try: Notice your triggers.  Keep track of situations that spark your fear or anxiety in relationships. Awareness builds choice. Name what’s underneath.  Instead of lashing out or shutting down, quietly name your feeling: scared, vulnerable, rejected, unsure. Naming takes power away from the spiral. Share honestly (even a little).  If you feel safe, let the other person know what’s happening. Example: “I’m noticing I want to shut down right now, but I care about this conversation.” Strengthen your relationship with yourself.  The steadier you feel inside, the less likely you are to sabotage outside. Seek support.  Therapy, coaching, or trusted friends can help you see what you can’t spot on your own. What if I already pushed someone away? Take heart. I've done this many, many times and I actually have more rewarding relationships in my life than ever before. Recognizing the pattern is progress. If the relationship is over, focus on learning so you don’t repeat it next time. If it’s not, consider reaching out with honesty: “I realize I may have acted from fear. I’m working on this, and I care about you.”   Vulnerability can rebuild trust —but even if it doesn’t, you’ve practiced a healthier step. Final thought Relationship self-sabotage is not proof that you’re unlovable. It’s a signal that part of you is trying to stay safe. Once you start recognizing and responding differently, you open the door to connection that lasts. Ready to go deeper? If you’ve ever wondered why you push people away or feel drained in love, you’re not alone. Your hidden strengths can turn into stress when they’re overused. Want to find out which one secretly drains you? FREE QUIZ Discover Your Super Power that’s Secretly Draining You   If you’ve been struggling in your relationships, it may be because you’re stuck in a “superpower mode” that once helped you survive but now quietly drains your energy. I created a free quiz to help you name yours—and see how to step out of it.

To stop feeling anxious all the time, you need to learn how to calm both your body and your mind. Why am I so anxious all the time? Anxiety doesn't mean that there's something wrong with you. It’s your nervous system doing its job—trying to keep you safe. But sometimes that alarm stays on, even when there’s no fire. Chronic anxiety often grows out of two things: past experiences that left your system on high alert, and current stressors that keep pushing your limits. The result is a body that never fully relaxes. What triggers everyday anxiety? Anxiety shows up in many ways. Some of the most common triggers include: Uncertainty:  Not knowing what’s coming next. Perfectionism:  The constant pressure to “get it right.” Overload:  Too much noise, stimulation, and responsibility. Unfelt emotions:  Feelings pushed aside instead of expressed. Naming your triggers is the first step to loosening their grip. What quick techniques calm anxiety in the moment? When anxiety spikes, you don’t need theory—you need tools: Box breathing:  Inhale 4, hold 4, exhale 4, hold 4. Grounding practice:  Name 5 things you see, 4 you feel, 3 you hear, 2 you smell, 1 you taste. Tense and release:  Squeeze your fists, then let go. Try this with other muscle groups in the body. The body learns safety through release. Go outside for a walk and focus on your surroundings. Hold an ice cube for a few moments. How do I reduce anxiety long-term? Quick fixes help in the moment. Long-term steadiness comes from habits that regulate your nervous system: Sleep:  Rest is not optional; it’s medicine. Aim for 7-8 hours per night. Movement:  Walking, running, or yoga shifts anxious energy out of your body. Food:  Less caffeine and alcohol, more balanced meals. Mindfulness:  Even 5 minutes of stillness trains your brain to settle. Self-talk:  Replace “What’s wrong with me?” with “It makes sense I feel this way.” When should I get professional help for anxiety? If anxiety hijacks your daily life—making it hard to sleep, connect, or function—it may be time to seek professional support. Therapy can help untangle the patterns; sometimes medication gives your nervous system the reset it needs. Reaching out is not a sign of weakness. It’s choosing a steadier way forward. Final thought: Anxiety doesn’t have to control your life. With calming tools, supportive habits, and help when you need it, you can find a sense of steadiness even in an unsteady world. FREE QUIZ Discover Your Super Power that’s Secretly Draining You   If you’ve been feeling anxious, it may be because you’re stuck in a “superpower mode” that once helped you survive but now quietly drains your energy. I created a free quiz to help you name yours—and see how to step out of it.

You can feel empty inside even when life looks good on the outside because your inner world matters as much as your outer circumstances. What does “feeling empty inside” really mean? Feeling empty doesn’t mean you’re ungrateful or failing at life. It means there’s a hollow place inside—like a room that’s been shut for too long, untouched and unlit. You go through the motions, but it all feels flat, disconnected, or strangely absent. This experience is far more common than people admit. Many carry it quietly, wondering: Why don’t I feel happy when, on paper, my life looks great? Why do I feel empty when I “should” be happy? We’ve been taught that outer success should automatically lead to inner contentment. Degrees, promotions, vacations, relationships—all great, but they can’t substitute for being connected to yourself. Often, emptiness comes when: You’ve been chasing others' expectations instead of your own aspirations. You’ve been living in survival roles—overachiever, fixer, caretaker, peacekeeper. You’ve silenced your feelings just to keep going and make others happy. On the outside, life looks fine. On the inside, something essential has gone missing. What hidden needs might be going unmet? Feeling empty doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with you. It’s a signal from your inner self—a part of you that’s trying to get your attention. Some of the needs most often hiding underneath are: Belonging:  Not just being around people, but feeling truly seen and accepted—especially within yourself. Self-expression:  Having space to share your truth, your creativity, your voice. Rest:  Permission to stop striving and breathe. Authenticity:  Living in alignment with your own values, not someone else’s script. How do I start filling the emptiness? The emptiness isn’t permanent. It’s an invitation. Here are some ways to respond: Slow down and notice.  Journaling or sitting in quiet can help you ask: Where do I feel most alive? Reconnect with your body.  Gentle movement, mindful breathing, even placing your hand over your heart can open that closed door inside. Name your feelings.  Sometimes emptiness masks sadness, anger, or loneliness. Naming them can bring clarity. Practice self-compassion.  Speak to yourself as you would a dear friend: with kindness, not judgment. Seek meaning.  Time in nature, spiritual practices, or serving others often rekindles a sense of purpose. When should I seek support? If emptiness lingers, deepens, or begins to cloud your ability to function, it’s worth seeking help. Therapy, community, or trusted friends can hold space until you can hold it for yourself. Final thought: Feeling empty doesn't mean that something’s wrong with you. It’s your inner self raising its hand, asking for more care, more connection, more attention. Listening to that signal can lead you back to a steadier, more authentic life. FREE QUIZ Discover Your Super Power that’s Secretly Draining You   If you’ve been feeling empty, it may be because you’re stuck in a “superpower mode” that once helped you survive but now quietly drains your energy. I created a free quiz to help you name yours—and see how to step out of it.

You collapse into bed at night, exhausted — but your mind won’t shut off. The next morning, you wake up drained, pour another cup of coffee, and push yourself through the day. That’s not just burnout… that’s anxiety driving the bus. When most people think about burnout, they think about endless to-do lists and complete exhaustion. And yes, that’s what it often looks like... But here’s what I’ve noticed: burnout doesn’t just come from doing too much — it’s fueled by the Anxious Mind. Sit with that for a moment. Does it ring true for you? Burnout is often described as a problem of work overload or poor work-life balance. But if it were only about hours worked, then everyone working long shifts would burn out. We know that’s not true. What really pushes people into burnout is the constant pressure of anxiety underneath the surface. The unrelenting pressure to do more, be better, earn your worth, and never, ever disappoint. The Anxious Mind is the Engine You know what I'm talking about... it's the voice that tells you: Oh, just do one more... That's not good enough... You haven't done enough... You need more... Oh, just take care of it. Suck it up, buttercup And so you keep pushing. Instead of resting, you refresh your inbox (for the third time in the last 2 minutes). Instead of saying no, you agree to host your niece's bridal shower on the same weekend that you're celebrating your mother's birthday... while you also need to work late for the project that's due on Monday. Instead of winding down, you scroll late into the night. On Instagram, Facebook, TikTok, or you just get consumed by Wordle for hours... maybe with a glass of wine. And then you sleep like crap. So you over-caffeinate tomorrow morning and wash, rinse, repeat. It's not because you want  to live this way, but it's because the Anxious Mind tricks you into believing you have to . It motivates you with fear. In other words: the anxious mind drives the behavior, burnout is often the outcome (which can also fuel depression, but that's another blog post). Anxiety’s Three Starring Roles in Burnout Perfectionism Pressure: Anxiety makes you believe that if you do everything flawlessly, then maybe — just maybe  — you’ll finally feel like you're enough. This perfectionism means you put in more hours, more effort, and more energy than necessary, which accelerates burnout. And it never brings the relief you hope for. Overcommitment Trap: Anxiety hates saying no. It convinces you that if you decline, others will be disappointed or see you as less capable. So you pile on commitments until you’re running on fumes. The fear of losing connection actually makes you more emotionally isolated and lonely. Rest Resistance: Even when you try to rest, anxiety nags at you. “You’re wasting time. You should be productive. You gotta get the ____ done!” This resistance to rest means your body-mind unit never truly get a chance to recover, and burnout becomes inevitable. Breaking the Cycle If anxiety drives burnout, then the way out isn’t just about reducing hours worked or taking vacations (though those things help). The deeper work is about learning how to calm anxiety in the body and mind and really give yourself permission to rest . Physically and  mentally. Here is one small shift you can try today: Pause to check in with your body before you say yes to the next request.  Just a few slow breaths can help you check in with your true capacity before committing. I Want to Hear From You Have you noticed anxiety hiding underneath your burnout? Maybe you’ve felt guilty about resting. Maybe you’ve overcommitted because of worry about letting someone down. Maybe perfectionism has been driving you straight into exhaustion. Connect with me share your experience with me. I read and reply to every email, and lately folks have been enjoying my video replies. Want more support like this? Join my free newsletter, Points of Connection , and receive stories, insights, and practical strategies sent straight to your inbox every Tuesday. 👉 Click here to receive your weekly letter and join a growing community! Disclaimer: This blog is intended for informational and inspirational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional mental health care, diagnosis, or treatment. If you or someone you know is struggling or in crisis, help is available. Call the NAMI HelpLine: 1-800-950-6264 available Monday through Friday, 10a - 10p, ET OR text "HelpLine" to 62640 or email NAMI at helpline@nami.org . Learn More.  You can also call or text HELP to 988 or chat at 988lifeline.org ​

Last Thursday I led a two-hour workshop for preschool teachers. It had been scheduled weeks in advance. None of us could have predicted that just one day earlier, and only a few miles away, there would be yet another school shooting — this one at Annunciation Catholic School in Minneapolis. The timing made everything feel much heavier and quite frankly, much more urgent. I know self-care can seem like a lofty ideal. It’s promoted everywhere, like cutting down on screen time — but knowing doesn’t make it any easier to follow through. You might think, “How can I do this for myself when so many people need me? Or when there are so many people in the world who are suffering? Who am I?” You might simply think, “I can’t.” I get that kind of thinking — really, I do. It actually took a cancer diagnosis in 2023 for me to finally wake up to my own need for self-care. Most helping professionals (teachers, nurses, doctors, pastors, caregivers — both paid and unpaid) don’t begin their work thinking, “Wow, my needs are really important. I should take care of myself and then care for others.” In various ways, different spiritual traditions and cultural values often send the message of “deny the self” and serve, and that that is considered the highest calling. We think we’re living a value-centered life of service life by perpetually putting the needs of others before our own. It’s a nice ideal on paper, but when it comes to health and well-being, it’s not a winning strategy. When your health begins to deteriorate because of long-term neglect, you simply can't serve others how you really want to and in a way that is sustainable. Is it selfish to want your newborn baby to thrive? I don’t think so. In fact, if your infant is tagged as “failure to thrive,” social services may be forced to step in and intervene. Why aren’t we concerned when adults “fail to thrive”? Why aren't we concerned when our most needed professionals like medical professionals and teachers are failing to thrive? You cannot stop being a human with human needs, no matter how hard you try. And after age 18, it's on you to notice and prioritize those needs. Social services won't step in unless you're a significant danger to yourself or others. Part of the problem is that our culture rewards self-sacrifice with accolades or monetary reward, exploiting and capitalizing on the psychological wounds of those who grew up in family systems where love and approval were earned through performance. How many times have you heard someone praised and rewarded for: always going above and beyond always stepping in putting in long hours always being available never getting upset outstanding commitment always putting others first never shows their pain or struggle Folks who excel at these performances were often trained to earn the love of their caregivers when they were growing up. Our culture rewards this kind of self-neglect. These accolades and rewards meet our ego needs for a while but all too often, it eventually it takes its toll on the body, showing up later in life as metabolic illness (e.g. diabetes, heart disease, dementia, etc.) or mental illness like anxiety or depression. Trying to live a selfless life is a fast track to physical and emotional illness — and often to strained or broken relationships. Living a selfless life leads to emotional isolation and loneliness, the kind research equates to smoking 15 cigarettes a day. That level of loneliness breaks people down. And that’s the connection most people miss: burnout and loneliness go hand in hand. Burnout leaves you drained because you are denying your own feelings and needs. And when you’re drained, you withdraw even more which can lead to chronic loneliness. Don’t wait for a painful wake-up call like a medical scare. Your life is too precious. Get quiet and still. Listen for your inner-voice. What's it saying to you about what you desperately need? Where do you need to set a boundary or slow down? Self-care isn’t selfish. It’s how you stay connected — to yourself, your values, and the people who matter most. It’s how you support yourself to truly thrive and support your community in a way that is sustainable and mutually beneficial. Want more support like this? Join my free newsletter, Points of Connection , and receive stories, insights, and practical strategies sent straight to your inbox every Tuesday. 👉 Click here to receive your weekly letter and join a growing community! Disclaimer: This blog is intended for informational and inspirational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional mental health care, diagnosis, or treatment. If you or someone you know is struggling or in crisis, help is available. Call the NAMI HelpLine: 1-800-950-6264 available Monday through Friday, 10a - 10p, ET OR text "HelpLine" to 62640 or email NAMI at helpline@nami.org . Learn More.  You can also call or text HELP to 988 or chat at 988lifeline.org ​

Do you ever feel a low-level dissatisfaction with your life? That unsettled, restless hum beneath the surface?Of course you do! I’ve spent decades chasing after more  and better.  And you know what? That rat race always leaves me feeling burned out, disconnected, and lonely. Then I blame my circumstances—or the people around me. Pretty spiritual, right? Sound familiar?C’mon… I know I’m not the only one. You won’t get any judgment from me. But I’ve learned how to approach that discontent in a way that opens up peace—and sometimes even a deep, quiet bliss. And I want to share it with you. Sometimes an outward change is necessary to find peace. In my life, I’ve often followed the nudge of restlessness toward new jobs, relationships, spiritual paths, and personal growth. I don’t think it’s wrong to act on that kind of inner unrest. In fact, I believe it’s often a call from within—a signal from your Higher Guidance—inviting you to grow into a truer version of yourself. Sometimes that inner nagging voice is legit. It’s time to go back to school. Or end the relationship. Or finally make that move you’ve been dreaming about. But… not always. But sometimes you're simply caught in restless angst. You know the feeling: ungrounded, irritable, unsatisfied—and unsure why. It’s like an internal itch you keep trying to scratch with external changes. A new project. A new snack. A new spiritual practice. But the itch never goes away. I know, without a doubt, that there will be times when we simply can’t change the outer circumstances. And when that happens, we’re left with two choices: Resist the limits and suffer more , or Meet the discomfort with compassion and presence. (I suppose there’s a third option involving a drunken stupor… but that’s not really my style. And I’m guessing it’s not yours either.) This is exactly why I need silent meditation retreats.  Have you ever been on one? When I was more formally practicing Zen Buddhism at the Minnesota Zen Meditation Center , I regularly attended silent, group retreats. These days, I find myself drawn to solo, silent retreats. They help me reset and get re-centered. They help me stop chasing more, and return to what’s already here. If I’m not careful, I can get way too focused on other people—on doing, fixing, proving. And not in a helpful way. Silent meditation retreats create space for inward connection. Several years ago, I attended a Rohatsu retreat in early December—the annual Zen observance of Buddha’s enlightenment. I stayed for four days (the longest I could do without interfering with my custody schedule). It was cold. The lake was beginning to freeze. Christmas lights twinkled on the neighborhood homes. Inside the retreat center, everything was stripped down to silence. No eye contact. No talking. Just sitting. Breathing. Staring at the wall. It’s a bit like stepping into a sensory deprivation chamber… on purpose. For this retreat, I stayed indoors the entire time—wanting to limit outside stimulation and go “all in.” (Yes, I’m that Type A.) The first two days can be hard. Boredom. Restlessness. A lot of discontent.And then… hysterical laughter. That’s right. My biggest challenge was trying not to laugh uncontrollably during evening zazen. I had no idea why it hit me—I just knew I couldn’t stop it and I didn’t want to disturb anyone else. If you sit and stare at a wall long enough, you will feel everything. And if you stay with it… something shifts. By the third night, I felt still. More rooted. More present. Like I had settled underneath the noise of my mind. That’s when I felt the call to step outside. And I was awestruck. I had completely forgotten it was Christmastime. As I stepped into the cold air and saw the lights, it was as if I was seeing civilization for the first time. I smiled like a 5-year-old getting exactly what they wanted from the real Santa Claus. I felt profoundly connected  to everything around me. Not a single trace of discontent. You can’t live in a state of bliss forever. (I know—bummer.) The truth is, even the most profound spiritual experiences fade. You can’t live in that mountaintop moment. And if you try to chase it? You’re back in the cycle of wanting more. Back in the cycle of discontent. But here’s the good news: You can  train yourself to access more presence—right in the middle of daily life. Start with one moment of stillness. Try this: choose a single object. A mug. A tree. A wall. Look at it for 2–3 minutes.Breathe.Every time your mind drifts (which it will), return your attention to that object.Not with force—just with kindness. That’s the practice. And when the ache returns—pray, connect, turn inward. For me, prayer isn’t about fixing pain. It’s about embracing it with compassion. It’s a way of inviting my Higher Guidance to hold me when I feel empty or unsatisfied. "Please meet me where I’m at. Help me bring love to this part of me that feels restless and empty. Help me find meaning in what’s already here. Help me feel connected again. Thank you for holding me.” And you know what? That kind of loving, inner dialogue literally changes your brain. When you practice internally guided prayer using kind, compassionate language, your brain releases natural feel-good chemicals like dopamine, serotonin, and oxytocin. You already  have what you need to feel more soothed and at ease. Isn’t that incredible? Then, take action based on what matters most to you Is there a prayer or practice that helps you become more present or soothed amidst your own discontentedness or unrest? I’d love to know.  Connect with me. Here's a wallpaper for your phone, to get you started: Click to download this image for your phone or tablet wallpaper! Want more support like this?  Join my free newsletter, Points of Connection , and get stories, insights, and practical strategies sent straight to your inbox every Tuesday.  Click here to receive your weekly letter and join a growing community! Disclaimer: This blog is intended for informational and inspirational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional mental health care, diagnosis, or treatment. Reading this does not create a therapeutic relationship with Sherri M. Herman. If you are struggling with your mental health, please reach out to a licensed therapist or medical provider in your area.

Don’t you love going out to eat by yourself? No, of course you don’t. Almost nobody does. Because you know what happens? Your mind bombards you with thoughts about being a loser, a loner, a weirdo, and the list so goes. You are consumed with ideas of how other people must be judging you negatively. If your thoughts weren’t such a problem, how do you imagine your solo experiences would be different? Learning how to deeply enjoy your time alone does not mean you’ll end up doing everything alone forever. Furthermore, enjoying your alone time doesn’t mean you’ll never again enjoy being with other people. I know you want to spend time with other people and you want to enjoy it... and I want you to. That's why I'm here to help. I've developed a genuine appreciation for solo activities, leading to greater enjoyment and fulfillment in my interactions with others. I’ve come to appreciate both my alone time and my social time. But it didn’t always come easy. For much of my life, doing things with other people felt just as uncomfortable as doing things alone. Living that way felt like living in a torture chamber that I didn’t know I was in. I felt terribly alone and lonely at every corner. What truly worked for me was changing my relationship with  my thoughts. I learned how to stop taking every thought literally. I learned how to let my thoughts roll across my mind like clouds floating across the sky, particularly the unhelpful ones. I didn’t try to get rid of the clouds or try to turn them into roses, but I learned to just let them float on by. Once I learned how to do that, everything changed. Am I perfect at it? Definitely not. Do I still get hung up by an occasional cloud? Absolutely. But my experience is about a thousand times better than it used to be.  When I stopped giving so much of my attention to all of those clouds and believing that they're all factual and permanent, it created space for real enjoyment. Now, when I go out by myself, I enjoy the opportunity to observe my surroundings, allowing my curiosity to guide me as I take in the sights and sounds around me. It gives me an opportunity to be more present and connected with myself and my direct experience of the moment. As a result of these practices, I have become more present and connected when I do spend time with other people. As you reflect on your journey towards embracing solo experiences, consider this: just like a cloud floating across the sky, your thoughts may drift in and out, but they do not define you and they certainly don’t hold the truth. By learning to let these thoughts float on by, you create space for genuine enjoyment and fulfillment in your alone time. While the path to embracing solitude may not always be easy, it offers the opportunity for profound freedom and connection with yourself.  As you continue on this journey, remember that each moment spent alone is an opportunity to cultivate a deeper sense of presence and connection, both with yourself and with the world around you. So, embrace your alone time with curiosity and openness, and allow it to enrich your experiences, both solo and with others. I'd love to hear your thoughts! Share in the comments below. Want more support like this?  Join my free newsletter, Points of Connection , and get stories, insights, and practical strategies sent straight to your inbox every Tuesday.  Click here to receive your weekly letter and join a growing community! Disclaimer: This blog is intended for informational and inspirational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional mental health care, diagnosis, or treatment. Reading this does not create a therapeutic relationship with Sherri M. Herman. If you are struggling with your mental health, please reach out to a licensed therapist or medical provider in your area.

Are you struggling with feeling alone this Feb 14th? Valentine's Day can be a tough time for many people, whether you’re single or not.  It's easy to get caught up in the romanticized version of the holiday portrayed in movies and on social media, where love is depicted as grand gestures and fairy-tale romance. But the reality for many of us is quite different. I, too, have grappled with this day since I first understood its significance. Whether I'm single or partnered, my mind always floods with unrealistic expectations about what my Valentine's Day "should" look like (thank you, Hollywood). However, there’s one spiritual practice that makes all the difference for me when I have been or have felt alone on Valentine's Day. Instead of dwelling on unrealistic expectations and feeling even more isolated, let me share with you how you can shift your perspective and find love and fulfillment within yourself this Valentine's Day. One thing I've learned that makes Valentine’s Day more tolerable and even enjoyable for me is recognizing that most of my thoughts and expectations have nothing to do with reality. And in order for me to recognize this, there’s one spiritual practice I come back to over and over: mindfulness . Before you roll your eyes at another mention of mindfulness practice, hang in there with me. There's a reason I will always reinforce mindfulness practice: because it works. It really, really does. I've been practicing mindfulness for over 10 years, and I can no longer live without it. But unfortunately, it doesn’t work if you only read about it or think about it. The scientific studies on mindfulness are impossible to ignore. Not only can mindfulness practice lower blood pressure, improve sleep, decrease depression and anxiety, but when practiced regularly, mindfulness has been shown to reduce our reactivity to our thoughts and emotions. I personally practice mindfulness in the American Zen Buddhist tradition. This means that I sit in silence, usually staring at a blank wall or the floor, and I just let my thoughts and feelings come and go without trying to change anything. It’s like sitting in a river and just letting everything float on by. Sitting meditation is not the only form of mindfulness practice. You can practice mindfulness while walking, cleaning, eating, or really doing anything; it’s all about how you engage with the moment. Will mindfulness solve all of your problems? No. Will mindfulness make you feel perfectly calm and peaceful all of the time? No. What does this have to do with Valentine’s Day and loneliness, you ask? Truthfully, mindfulness can help you face reality with greater clarity which gives you more space to respond to yourself with acceptance and compassion, and then take action based on what truly matters most to you. Mindfulness can help you respond to the moment with intention and care rather than being purely reactive to every little thought that floats across your mind, including those pesky unrealistic expectations about Valentine’s Day. Above all, mindfulness practice can really help you stay connected to your true self, beneath your fluttering ego.  When you are connected to your true self, you can feel more connected to your loving Higher Power and the loving energy that is within you always. As you navigate through this Valentine's Day, remember that the greatest love you can ever experience is the love you cultivate within yourself. Mindfulness practice offers a pathway to deepen this love by allowing you to experience some freedom from your thoughts and emotions. Through mindfulness, you can develop a profound connection with your true self, free from the constraints of external expectations and judgments. So, as you sit in stillness or engage mindfully in your daily activities, embrace the opportunity to nurture a relationship of unconditional love and kindness with yourself. This Valentine's Day, let mindfulness be your guide as you embark on a journey of self-discovery, self-compassion, and profound self-love. If you’re interested in beginning a mindfulness practice, here are 5 tips to help you get started: Decide on an activity that will become the cornerstone of your mindfulness practice. This could be sitting, walking, doing dishes, sweeping, etc. Start small. Begin with any length of time that feels comfortable, such as 5 or 10 minutes, and increase your time incrementally as you feel more comfortable. Be specific about when you will practice. Decide when in your day you will do your practice each day. Be consistent in your practice. Life happens and sometimes you miss a day, but try to not miss two or more days in a row. Be kind to yourself and keep coming back. Mindfulness is a skill and like learning any new skill, it takes practice, patience, and persistence. I'd love to hear your thoughts! Share in the comments below. Want more support like this?  Join my free newsletter, Points of Connection , and get stories, insights, and practical strategies sent straight to your inbox every Tuesday.  Click here to receive your weekly letter and join a growing community! Disclaimer: This blog is intended for informational and inspirational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional mental health care, diagnosis, or treatment. Reading this does not create a therapeutic relationship with Sherri M. Herman. If you are struggling with your mental health, please reach out to a licensed therapist or medical provider in your area.

Before the pandemic, I filled nearly all of my free time with social activity. Between seeing 5-8 clients a day and caring for my son as a single mom, I made sure that my free time was anything but free. Whether it was leading my meetup group, attending my meditation center, or just getting together with friends, my schedule was packed. Can you guess why?  I was lonely as hell, but I had no idea. No matter how many social activities I had planned, sometimes three separate events in a single day, it was never enough to fill me up. I always needed more, I needed to make sure the calendar was full, and I would feel so mad or hurt if something was canceled. So when the pandemic hit and my social calendar came to a screeching halt, I crashed and burned.  Here’s the thing: as a social mammal, you really do need relationships to survive and thrive. You need relationships like you need oxygen. Mother nature has so skillfully designed you to experience a particular cue for when you need connection. You can think of this cue as like a hunger cue. And that cue is the feeling of loneliness. Loneliness is your hunger cue for connection.  But here’s the thing: if you solely focus on getting your need for connection met from other people, you’re never going to feel satisfied and fulfilled. You will always need more. In fact, you can really end up straining or hurting your relationships because you can become overly dependent on them or wear them out. The truth is, you need a balance of healthy connection with yourself and  with others.  If you struggle with loneliness, whether you’re surrounded by people or not, one thing that needs to happen is the development of a loving and fulfilling connection with yourself. This means being aware of what you’re thinking or feeling and responding to yourself with kindness. It means becoming your own kind and supportive best friend. It also means connecting with your loving Higher Power who is always there for you, no matter what.  When you get really good at cultivating a loving and meaningful connection with yourself, I can just about guarantee that you will not only crave your alone time but you will also experience more joy when you’re with others. There is a reason that ancient spiritual traditions involve social and solitude elements. We need both. To effectively deal with loneliness, you really need to balance connection with others with meaningful connection with yourself. And if you haven’t already noticed, I’m here to help you cultivate that connection with yourself. Becoming your own best friend and loving partner is the most secure relationship you can ever have and will surely reduce your feelings of loneliness and amplify feelings of peace. I'd love to hear your thoughts! Share in the comments below. Want more support like this?  Join my free newsletter, Points of Connection , and get stories, insights, and practical strategies sent straight to your inbox every Tuesday.  Click here to receive your weekly letter and join a growing community! Disclaimer: This blog is intended for informational and inspirational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional mental health care, diagnosis, or treatment. Reading this does not create a therapeutic relationship with Sherri M. Herman. If you are struggling with your mental health, please reach out to a licensed therapist or medical provider in your area.

The vast majority of people that I've worked with in my psychotherapy practice for more than a decade want to feel more peace. In fact, I've known very few people in general who don't wish to have more peace in their life (myself included!). So I've been paying close attention to what actually makes a difference. And I've discovered 5 habits that you don't want to ignore. I've explored what the research has to say about it, what science can contribute, and where spirituality has an impact. While I do personally practice these strategies, I will never claim to have them down perfectly. But I honestly don't think you need to practice them perfectly in order to experience significant benefit. Just getting started makes all the difference. 1) Feeling connected to a loving Higher Guidance. According to research, you don’t need to believe in God or belong to a religion in order to feel at peace. So if God or formal religion doesn’t work for you, that’s a-okay. What does promote peace is feeling connected to something greater than yourself, an energy or concept of love, compassion, and wisdom that is an ever present, guiding, and reliable force in your life. 2):   Practicing embodiment. Embodiment means being in and consciously connected to your body. You’re aware of the sensations in your body, you’re aware of your breathing, and you’re aware of your emotions. When you are consciously connected and present to your body, then you are able to regulate or manage your thoughts and feelings with greater ease.  3) : Defining what matters most to you. Having clarity on your aspirations, the kind of person you want to be, the kind of life you want to live, and the kind of impact you want to have in the world helps with decision making and gives you a deeper sense of meaning and purpose. When you know who you are and what you are about, you no longer need to turn to other people for every little thing. Yes, sometimes it’s still helpful to seek wise counsel. However, you will experience more inner peace when you know who you are, what you stand for, and what you want, and then act accordingly. 4) : Developing a healthy relationship with yourself. In order to cultivate healthy relationships with other people, you need to cultivate a healthy relationship with yourself. Your relationship with yourself is the foundation of all other relationships. Your external relationships actually mirror your internal relationship with yourself. So if your external relationships cause you a lot of stress, it’s time to go inward and get in right relationship with yourself. 5): Building trust. Peace is an absolute impossibility without trust. Without trust, we remain in a state of fear. For example, if I don’t trust that the chair I’m sitting on is going to hold me up, I’m going to spend a lot of emotional and mental energy fearing the chair falling out from under me. If I'm talking with a friend, I won't even be paying attention to what they're saying because I'll be too busy thinking about the chair. But when I trust that the chair going to hold me, I feel safe, secure, and free to just be myself. This is the kind of relationship we want to have with ourselves and our Higher Power. Solid trust creates freedom and peace. While none of these practices require perfection, simply taking the first steps toward implementing them can have a huge impact on your life satisfaction and sense of well-being. Remember, peace isn't found in the absence of challenges but how we respond to them. It's in our capacity to navigate them with grace, resilience, and trust. Want more support like this?  Join my free newsletter, Points of Connection , and get stories, insights, and practical strategies sent straight to your inbox every Tuesday.  Click here to receive your weekly letter and join a growing community! Disclaimer: This blog is intended for informational and inspirational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional mental health care, diagnosis, or treatment. Reading this does not create a therapeutic relationship with Sherri M. Herman. If you are struggling with your mental health, please reach out to a licensed therapist or medical provider in your area.