Why Self-Care isn't Selfish

Last Thursday I led a two-hour workshop for preschool teachers. It had been scheduled weeks in advance.

None of us could have predicted that just one day earlier, and only a few miles away, there would be yet another school shooting — this one at Annunciation Catholic School in Minneapolis.

The timing made everything feel much heavier and quite frankly, much more urgent.

I know self-care can seem like a lofty ideal. It’s promoted everywhere, like cutting down on screen time — but knowing doesn’t make it any easier to follow through.

You might think, “How can I do this for myself when so many people need me? Or when there are so many people in the world who are suffering? Who am I?”

You might simply think, “I can’t.”

I get that kind of thinking — really, I do. It actually took a cancer diagnosis in 2023 for me to finally wake up to my own need for self-care.

Most helping professionals (teachers, nurses, doctors, pastors, caregivers — both paid and unpaid) don’t begin their work thinking, “Wow, my needs are really important. I should take care of myself and then care for others.”

In various ways, different spiritual traditions and cultural values often send the message of “deny the self” and serve, and that that is considered the highest calling.

We think we’re living a value-centered life of service life by perpetually putting the needs of others before our own. It’s a nice ideal on paper, but when it comes to health and well-being, it’s not a winning strategy.

When your health begins to deteriorate because of long-term neglect, you simply can't serve others how you really want to and in a way that is sustainable.

Is it selfish to want your newborn baby to thrive? I don’t think so. In fact, if your infant is tagged as “failure to thrive,” social services may be forced to step in and intervene.

Why aren’t we concerned when adults “fail to thrive”? Why aren't we concerned when our most needed professionals like medical professionals and teachers are failing to thrive?

You cannot stop being a human with human needs, no matter how hard you try.

And after age 18, it's on you to notice and prioritize those needs. Social services won't step in unless you're a significant danger to yourself or others.

Part of the problem is that our culture rewards self-sacrifice with accolades or monetary reward, exploiting and capitalizing on the psychological wounds of those who grew up in family systems where love and approval were earned through performance.

How many times have you heard someone praised and rewarded for:

• always going above and beyond

• always stepping in

• putting in long hours

• always being available

• never getting upset

• outstanding commitment

• always putting others first

• never shows their pain or struggle

Folks who excel at these performances were often trained to earn the love of their caregivers when they were growing up.

Our culture rewards this kind of self-neglect.

These accolades and rewards meet our ego needs for a while but all too often, it eventually it takes its toll on the body, showing up later in life as metabolic illness (e.g. diabetes, heart disease, dementia, etc.) or mental illness like anxiety or depression.

Trying to live a selfless life is a fast track to physical and emotional illness — and often to strained or broken relationships. Living a selfless life leads to emotional isolation and loneliness, the kind research equates to smoking 15 cigarettes a day. That level of loneliness breaks people down.

And that’s the connection most people miss: burnout and loneliness go hand in hand.

Burnout leaves you drained because you are denying your own feelings and needs. And when you’re drained, you withdraw even more which can lead to chronic loneliness.

Don’t wait for a painful wake-up call like a medical scare. Your life is too precious.

Get quiet and still. Listen for your inner-voice. What's it saying to you about what you desperately need? Where do you need to set a boundary or slow down?

Self-care isn’t selfish. It’s how you stay connected — to yourself, your values, and the people who matter most.

It’s how you support yourself to truly thrive and support your community in a way that is sustainable and mutually beneficial.

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Disclaimer: This blog is intended for informational and inspirational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional mental health care, diagnosis, or treatment.

If you or someone you know is struggling or in crisis, help is available. Call the NAMI HelpLine: 1-800-950-6264 available Monday through Friday, 10a - 10p, ET OR text "HelpLine" to 62640 or email NAMI at helpline@nami.org. Learn More. You can also call or text HELP to 988 or chat at 988lifeline.org​