Is setting boundaries selfish?
- Sherri M. Herman
- 2 days ago
- 4 min read
Setting boundaries is not selfish—it’s a healthy way to protect your energy, honor your needs, and create more genuine relationships.
Why does setting boundaries feel selfish?
If you grew up in a family where saying No wasn’t allowed or where your worth was tied to pleasing others, boundaries might feel like rejection or selfishness. In reality, boundaries are about honesty and respect. They let people know what you can give and what you can’t. Without them, you risk resentment, burnout, and inauthentic connection.
No thank you.
Feeling guilty about boundaries doesn’t mean you’re being selfish. That's what we call misplaced guilt. It’s actually a signal from your inner self that you’re stretching beyond what feels natural, often because old programming is being challenged.
What are healthy boundaries in relationships?
Healthy boundaries are clear, respectful lines you draw to protect your emotional, physical, and mental well-being (and sometimes safety!). They’re not walls; they’re guardrails. Boundaries in relationships help you stay connected without losing yourself.
Examples include:
Saying no when your plate is already full.
Asking for space when you feel overwhelmed.
Expecting honesty instead of tolerating half-truths.
Protecting your time so you can rest or focus on what matters most to you.
Boundaries show others how to love and respect you while helping you stay grounded in your own values.
Is setting boundaries selfish in close relationships?
It can feel harder to set boundaries with the people you love most—partners, parents, kids, or close friends. You may worry that limits will push them away. In truth, clear boundaries often strengthen closeness. Why? Because resentment and exhaustion destroy connection far more than honesty does.
Think of it this way: when you respect your own limits, you can show up with more presence and care.
That’s not selfish—it’s sustainable love.
Why do I feel so guilty about boundaries?
Guilt about boundaries is common. And if you aren't practiced in setting boundaries, feeling guilt is part of the deal. There's no getting around it.
Many people feel torn between meeting their own needs and keeping everyone else happy. That guilt doesn’t mean you’re doing something wrong, it's simply your nervous system adjusting to a new way of relating. Over time, practicing boundaries consistently teaches your brain and body that it’s safe to honor yourself. It becomes the new norm.
Try reframing guilt as evidence of growth: I’m learning a healthier way, and this discomfort means I’m moving in the right direction.
How to set healthy boundaries without pushing people away?
Boundaries can feel intimidating, but they don’t have to be harsh. Here are some practical steps:
Get clear on your limits. Ask yourself: What drains me? What restores me? This helps you know where to draw the line.
Use simple language. Boundaries don’t need long explanations. Example: “I can’t stay late tonight” or “I need to take a break from this conversation.”
Stay calm and kind. Boundaries aren’t about punishing others—they’re about caring for yourself.
Be consistent. The more steady you are, the more others learn to respect your needs.
Expect mixed reactions. Not everyone will applaud your boundaries, especially if they benefited from you having none. That doesn’t mean you’re wrong.
--> Let me repeat that: just because someone is upset with you doesn't mean you're wrong.
What if someone doesn’t respect my boundaries?
When someone repeatedly ignores your limits, it’s information about the relationship. It may mean you need to restate the boundary more clearly, reinforce it with action, or reconsider how much access this person gets to your time and energy. Respectful people will adjust, even if it takes time. Disrespectful people may push back—and that’s useful to notice.
Is that the kind of relationship you want in your life?
How do emotional boundaries protect me?
Emotional boundaries keep you from carrying what isn’t yours. Without them, you might take on other people’s moods, problems, or expectations as if they were your responsibility.
Emotional boundaries sound like:
“I care about you and your feelings, but your feelings are not mine to fix.”
“I’m here to listen, but I can’t solve this for you.”
Protecting your emotional space allows you to show empathy without drowning in someone else’s storm.
Final thought
Setting boundaries isn’t selfish—it’s honest. Boundaries create space for healthier relationships, less resentment, and more energy for what matters most. The discomfort of guilt or pushback is simply part of rewiring old habits. With practice, boundaries stop feeling like rejection and start feeling like respect.
Ready to practice honoring your limits without guilt?
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