Why do I keep sabotaging my relationships?
- Sherri M. Herman
- Oct 7
- 3 min read
If you keep sabotaging your relationships, it doesn’t mean you're broken. But there is likely some healing that's needed and some patterns that need interrupting.
What does it mean to sabotage a relationship?
Relationship self-sabotage happens when you unconsciously create distance or conflict, even when you want closeness. This can look like picking fights, shutting down emotionally, overanalyzing every text, or convincing yourself the other person doesn’t really care. These behaviors often push people away, which reinforces the very fear you’re carrying inside.
Feeling stuck in this cycle doesn’t mean you’re doomed in love. I was stuck in this cycle for years but was able to heal out of it and marry the love of my life. These are likely patterns that you learned in your family of origin. It's how you learned to connect. And, it’s your inner self waving a flag, telling you that old patterns and unhealed wounds are running the show.
Why do I sabotage my relationships?
There are several reasons people fall into emotional sabotage:
Fear of intimacy. Getting close feels risky, so you protect yourself by pulling back before someone else can hurt you.
Low self-worth. You might not believe you deserve a healthy, steady relationship, so you act in ways that match that belief.
Unresolved childhood patterns. If you grew up in a home where love felt inconsistent or unsafe, your nervous system may still be wired for chaos or withdrawal.
Control. Sometimes self-sabotage feels like control—ending things before the other person does.
Each of these reasons is a clue, not a life sentence. Once you spot the patterns, you can begin to shift them.
How do I know if I’m sabotaging instead of just protecting myself?
It can be tricky to tell the difference. Protection is healthy when someone disrespects you, crosses your boundaries, or mistreats you. Sabotage, on the other hand, shows up when you feel anxious, overthink, or push someone away even though the relationship is safe.
A good litmus test is this: are you reacting to the person in front of you or to fears and memories from the past? If your response feels bigger than the moment, it’s likely sabotage, not protection.
Can relationship self-sabotage be unlearned?
Absolutely. Just as you learned to protect yourself in unhealthy ways, you can learn healthier ones. The first step is awareness—noticing when you’re about to shut down, lash out, or retreat into silence. Then, you can pause and choose a different action, even something small like taking a breath or asking yourself, What do I really need right now?
What practical steps help stop breaking relationship patterns?
Here are a few clear steps you can try:
Notice your triggers. Keep track of situations that spark your fear or anxiety in relationships. Awareness builds choice.
Name what’s underneath. Instead of lashing out or shutting down, quietly name your feeling: scared, vulnerable, rejected, unsure. Naming takes power away from the spiral.
Share honestly (even a little). If you feel safe, let the other person know what’s happening. Example: “I’m noticing I want to shut down right now, but I care about this conversation.”
Strengthen your relationship with yourself. The steadier you feel inside, the less likely you are to sabotage outside.
Seek support. Therapy, coaching, or trusted friends can help you see what you can’t spot on your own.
What if I already pushed someone away?
Take heart. I've done this many, many times and I actually have more rewarding relationships in my life than ever before. Recognizing the pattern is progress. If the relationship is over, focus on learning so you don’t repeat it next time. If it’s not, consider reaching out with honesty: “I realize I may have acted from fear. I’m working on this, and I care about you.”
Vulnerability can rebuild trust—but even if it doesn’t, you’ve practiced a healthier step.
Final thought
Relationship self-sabotage is not proof that you’re unlovable. It’s a signal that part of you is trying to stay safe. Once you start recognizing and responding differently, you open the door to connection that lasts.
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