What does real self-care actually look like?
- Sherri M. Herman
- Nov 13
- 3 min read
Real self-care isn’t just about bubble baths or spa days, it’s about building a loving and caring relationship with yourself so that your well-being becomes a natural priority.
Why do people misunderstand self-care?
Self-care has been marketed as something glamorous and indulgent, when in truth, it’s often quiet, unglamorous, and deeply personal. While there’s nothing wrong with massages or candles, those things alone don’t create the kind of restoration that prevents burnout or emotional exhaustion. Real self-care is about tending to your relationship with yourself, not just taking a break from stress.
Feeling disappointed or skeptical about self-care is normal when you're used to self-neglect. Stepping into a more caring relationship with yourself can move you outside of your comfort zone. Feeling cared for can actually feel weird, uncomfortable, or even wrong at first.
What does real self-care look like in everyday life?
Real self-care looks like consistency, not escape. It’s the daily commitment to listen to yourself, honor what you need, and respond with care. It might mean getting to bed earlier, saying no to one more obligation, or choosing a quiet walk instead of scrolling through your phone.
Here are some examples:
Taking a five-minute pause before saying yes to something new
Keeping your morning coffee quiet and screen-free
Allowing yourself to rest instead of pushing through exhaustion
Setting boundaries with people who drain you
Speaking to yourself with kindness when things don’t go as planned
These small actions build self-trust and deepen your emotional connection with yourself.
How can I make self-care more sustainable?
The secret to sustainable self-care is simplicity. When it’s too complicated, it becomes another thing to check off a list. Focus on habits that come from self-respect, not obligation.
Ask yourself: What do I need right now to feel grounded and cared for?
Try this approach:
Start small. Choose one action that genuinely feels supportive.
Be consistent. Repetition builds safety and stability.
Pair it with awareness. As you go through your day, notice how your body and emotions respond to what you do.
Adjust with compassion. Self-care changes as you do. There’s no one-size-fits-all formula.
What is emotional self-care and why does it matter?
Emotional self-care is about building an inner relationship based on curiosity and compassion. It’s noticing how you feel and offering yourself care instead of criticism. Ignoring or minimizing your feelings only disconnects you further from yourself.
You can practice emotional self-care by:
Naming what you feel without judgment
Validating your emotions instead of dismissing them
Asking yourself, What am I needing right now?
Letting rest or stillness be enough
When you tend to your emotions with gentleness, you create safety within yourself. That safety becomes the foundation for peace and confidence.
How can the HEART framework guide real self-care?
The HEART of Inner-Connection framework (developed by Sherri M. Herman, MA, LPCC) helps you create self-care that comes from within, not from external expectations. It’s not about doing more, it’s about being more attuned to yourself.
H = Higher Guidance: Pause to connect with something greater—God, nature, intuition, or your deepest wisdom. Let that connection guide your choices.
E = Embodiment: Tune into your body’s signals. Notice how tension, fatigue, or calm show up. Respond with what supports you, not what drains you.
A = Aspiration: Remember what you truly care about. When your actions align with your values, your energy flows more freely.
R = Relationship with Self: Speak kindly to yourself. Build trust by keeping small promises and honoring your needs.
T = Trust: Trust that caring for yourself deeply will ripple out into every area of your life. You don’t have to earn rest, compassion, or love.
When you live a HEART centered life, self-care stops being a task and becomes an act of self-connection.
How do I stop treating self-care like another checklist?
When self-care feels like a list of things to accomplish, it loses its meaning. Instead of striving to do more, focus on being present with yourself. Ask: What would it look like to be on my own side right now?
This mindset shift moves self-care from performance to presence. It’s not about perfect routines or productivity, it’s about reorienting toward yourself with care, honesty, and love.
Final thought
Real self-care isn’t a trend or a task, it’s a relationship. It’s how you speak to yourself, how you honor your needs, and how you offer yourself patience when life feels heavy. When you start relating to yourself as someone worthy of care, everything else begins to flow more easily.
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